(no subject)
Tonite i realized something, or more so came to the realization of what i already knew.
I have never been treated like that in my entire life.
I didn't think that something so horrible could happen to someone like me....i guess no one ever really expects that from someone, or rather the thought of anyone you love being capable of causing you that much pain.
Pain.....I guess that's more of an experience than a feeling really.
Time passes so quickly.....and the more the time continues to fly.....the more the days seem to drag by. Sounds more of a hyprocritical statement, but in my semi-dellusional mind it makes sense.
I miss his smile, and comfort....and those blue blue eyes that seemed to console every question and every doubt, the comfort of his arms....and the ignorant stupidity of his voice. I guess loving him was the easiest part, it is safe to assume he knew that. I knew all along it was never meant to be, and i constantly asked myself why it lasted as long as it did....or more so why i let it.
God, i wish i could explain in words how much i loved him, and how much i still do. I didn't know it was possible to continue caring or "loving" someone so much after that much......A part of me loathes him, but there is still that 4% in the very back of my head that loves him, and i guess that's what keeps me hanging on.
By hanging on I by no means, for lack of a better word, insinutate that i want to be with him now or EVER again. because I don't. But I can't stop myself from loving him, and continuing to wonder each day if his life is as miserable as i know it should be....or atleast comparative to how miserable he has made me.
Not long after him...there was someone else....someone who could understand me, better in my opinion, than i understand myself. I didn't have to show him, or tell him, not even a word had to be said...he just knew. Kind of like, i just knew....people like that, most never get the joy to meet....or engage in conversation.
I know he is special....I think about him often also. The memory of his brillance echo's in my mind.....kind of like a tunnel....but this one with sunlight gazing all the way through.
We can never be together.....or atleast to my beliefs...so many determining factors that back my assumption. But i needed him, and as crazy as it sounds....he needed me too. and we both knew it, and we both said it...exactly at the same time....eventhough it didn't need to be said aloud....it was said and reiderated quite a few times. He is the one i will tell my children (God willing) about. I know that no matter how far we travel down our different paths in life, my memory will be with him, as well as him with me. amazing person. I wish everyone would have a chance to feel way.
I can't say that it was love...because it wasn't....it was something deeper, something that i can't really describe in a word...something that is unlimited. A soul mate.....my soulmate, if there is such.
O man, The days following his move....well that's a blur.....filled with alcohol and sleep deprivation, and endless amounts of faceless names....and nameless faces.
I suppose Dylan isn't the only reason I treat guys like i do now....I suppose I have lost that faith....you know that there is something out there that is pure....something that can work, something that will work. Seems a bit far fetched I will agree.....but alas that is life.
So many questions go unanswered and so many answers go unquestioned. The meaning to the universe lies in every individual....there is no competing with destiny....
Choices and the people....help mold your fate.....yet i still believe that there is some kind of predetermined coarse out there....something you were born to do.
I would search a lifetime for a piece of what is so easily granted to those in favor.
I know it's wrong, the way i treat people....but i guess that's what makes it so addictive.
I see no reason to use people for material things....because they are no good to me anymore.....life is somehow losing it's meaning and the trees don't look as appealing as they once did.....i'm begining to forget what it was like to look at one and see life.....living and everstruggling hope.
Maybe that is a part of growing up, maybe I think to much, hell maybe i don't think enough.
over thinking everything seems to be a problem with me.
christ. he hurt me so bad, so very bad.....I never gave myself time to greive over the wasted year relationship with him....I'm not sure i want to waste anymore time on him.
But i still think about him......atleast once a day. Espically when things are going wrong.
I can't remember the last time i cried....but i can remember the last time a tear strolled down my chin....and it wasn't because i was losing my boyfriend of a year...it was that i was losing a best friend of a lifetime...and i knew that....and i still do.
I dream about him on occasion.....i guess that's normal....it's always so hard waking up to the reality.
Waking up at all is hard.....I hardly sleep....so i often wonder what it would be like to sleep for days...or months even.
But life can be so easily construded and distorted into making one's mind roam into something compelling enough to catch one's attention, but to hard to greet.
I know I will be fine, there is no doubt that the days will continue to pass like they always do and i will be there until he has decided my time here has ended.
Maybe i think to much when i haven't had any sleep and have a serious cold.
maybe it's that i don't think at all.
or maybe my brian is oding on cough surap and nose drops....
I have never been treated like that in my entire life.
I didn't think that something so horrible could happen to someone like me....i guess no one ever really expects that from someone, or rather the thought of anyone you love being capable of causing you that much pain.
Pain.....I guess that's more of an experience than a feeling really.
Time passes so quickly.....and the more the time continues to fly.....the more the days seem to drag by. Sounds more of a hyprocritical statement, but in my semi-dellusional mind it makes sense.
I miss his smile, and comfort....and those blue blue eyes that seemed to console every question and every doubt, the comfort of his arms....and the ignorant stupidity of his voice. I guess loving him was the easiest part, it is safe to assume he knew that. I knew all along it was never meant to be, and i constantly asked myself why it lasted as long as it did....or more so why i let it.
God, i wish i could explain in words how much i loved him, and how much i still do. I didn't know it was possible to continue caring or "loving" someone so much after that much......A part of me loathes him, but there is still that 4% in the very back of my head that loves him, and i guess that's what keeps me hanging on.
By hanging on I by no means, for lack of a better word, insinutate that i want to be with him now or EVER again. because I don't. But I can't stop myself from loving him, and continuing to wonder each day if his life is as miserable as i know it should be....or atleast comparative to how miserable he has made me.
Not long after him...there was someone else....someone who could understand me, better in my opinion, than i understand myself. I didn't have to show him, or tell him, not even a word had to be said...he just knew. Kind of like, i just knew....people like that, most never get the joy to meet....or engage in conversation.
I know he is special....I think about him often also. The memory of his brillance echo's in my mind.....kind of like a tunnel....but this one with sunlight gazing all the way through.
We can never be together.....or atleast to my beliefs...so many determining factors that back my assumption. But i needed him, and as crazy as it sounds....he needed me too. and we both knew it, and we both said it...exactly at the same time....eventhough it didn't need to be said aloud....it was said and reiderated quite a few times. He is the one i will tell my children (God willing) about. I know that no matter how far we travel down our different paths in life, my memory will be with him, as well as him with me. amazing person. I wish everyone would have a chance to feel way.
I can't say that it was love...because it wasn't....it was something deeper, something that i can't really describe in a word...something that is unlimited. A soul mate.....my soulmate, if there is such.
O man, The days following his move....well that's a blur.....filled with alcohol and sleep deprivation, and endless amounts of faceless names....and nameless faces.
I suppose Dylan isn't the only reason I treat guys like i do now....I suppose I have lost that faith....you know that there is something out there that is pure....something that can work, something that will work. Seems a bit far fetched I will agree.....but alas that is life.
So many questions go unanswered and so many answers go unquestioned. The meaning to the universe lies in every individual....there is no competing with destiny....
Choices and the people....help mold your fate.....yet i still believe that there is some kind of predetermined coarse out there....something you were born to do.
I would search a lifetime for a piece of what is so easily granted to those in favor.
I know it's wrong, the way i treat people....but i guess that's what makes it so addictive.
I see no reason to use people for material things....because they are no good to me anymore.....life is somehow losing it's meaning and the trees don't look as appealing as they once did.....i'm begining to forget what it was like to look at one and see life.....living and everstruggling hope.
Maybe that is a part of growing up, maybe I think to much, hell maybe i don't think enough.
over thinking everything seems to be a problem with me.
christ. he hurt me so bad, so very bad.....I never gave myself time to greive over the wasted year relationship with him....I'm not sure i want to waste anymore time on him.
But i still think about him......atleast once a day. Espically when things are going wrong.
I can't remember the last time i cried....but i can remember the last time a tear strolled down my chin....and it wasn't because i was losing my boyfriend of a year...it was that i was losing a best friend of a lifetime...and i knew that....and i still do.
I dream about him on occasion.....i guess that's normal....it's always so hard waking up to the reality.
Waking up at all is hard.....I hardly sleep....so i often wonder what it would be like to sleep for days...or months even.
But life can be so easily construded and distorted into making one's mind roam into something compelling enough to catch one's attention, but to hard to greet.
I know I will be fine, there is no doubt that the days will continue to pass like they always do and i will be there until he has decided my time here has ended.
Maybe i think to much when i haven't had any sleep and have a serious cold.
maybe it's that i don't think at all.
or maybe my brian is oding on cough surap and nose drops....