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today was a horrible day kathy was screaming at me all day.... mom came home in a pissy mood and besides taht sean and i are still at it...i want to work this out but it's like he wont take respinsibility for what he's done wrong ... i know that i shouldn't have ever told him that when i was ready to date i would date him and leave him waiting like that.... and i feel horrible about that... but i havn't done anything else ... he says taht im not telling him my feelings about him but...why would i when both of us are hostile i know i care for him a tremendous amount and it hurts me to see him hurt and i wouldn't ever intentionaly hurt him ...but i just can't be like ooh yeah i love him.. it doesn't work taht way... it takes alot for me now to even tell someone i love them because of allen i dont trust anyone anymore... and i honestly dont think im ready to love again...i dont feel healed enough... sean is pretty much like im through with you... nad i wonder if he ever acctualy vaulued our freindship from the beggining... im not willing to give up b/c i do care... you dont just give up on things when they get difficult or you can't get your way ...i learned taht along time ago... about life... iwant us to be able t ohang out again but it's really gonna be hard for me to forgive him for the stuff he's done while he's been mad at me... he doesn't know it but i almost left for good.. this place.. when i got in the car that afternoon after he told my mom all those things and then told me this "I hope u have fun when you get home." and also left this in a message "yeah i enjoyed taht little disscussion your mom and i had!" she smacked me across the face...it was like verything came crashing down at once i dind't even want to be here on earth anymore... you never know how it feels when some one hits u until someone u love tries to choke u as discipline.. it scares u anytime anyone ever goes to hit u ...i thought to myself im deffinatly not staying with my mom tonight or for a while but it was like i had no one... at first i thought i'll just call sean but then ishook to my scenses and realized that we were fighting too... well mom and i worked everything out and needless to say im in trouble for a while.. but i guess i deserve it.. but sean didn't get off scotch free with mom she's perty pissed at him too... this is too much drama...arggg all over something stupid like a guy...freinds shouldn't be able to be torn apart so easy........it was hard to even look at him today i was hurt soo bad. he thinks taht im going to date ryan like right away ..but im not.. all i want to do is get to know him better.. and maybe then we might date... but not anytime soon...and he's fine with that and i am too. i just feel so hurt by sean .. how could some one who "loves" you do such things..i cried for hours yesterday... thinking why? i know he's hurt too but like i said before that was never my intention...i would never intentionaly hurt someone i care for...it takes so much out of you .. fighting... it's like i havn't been able to sleep well at all.. im really sick of all this...i just want it to go away but i know i wont ever trust sean the same...things are different i've found out how he can be when he's mad ... but istill consider him my bestfreind even though he did those thigs to hurt me and it will take a while... but i will eventualy forgive him...eventualy