Comments | a_mighty_oak: THAT MEME

halfcocked April 19 2009, 11:01:14 UTC

FINE, HERE

halfcocked April 20 2009, 10:55:10 UTC

OKAY HAVE A SURPRAISE ESSAY, DEVIT ON SHURI, UFUFU

It's kind of horrible because I don't even know how to put this in ESSAY form, much less dot form. I think Devit's feelings on Shuri are tied with his feelings on the Earl for "most complicated" and "widest range of emotion," where he swings back and forth between love and hate and whatever is inbetween.

Okay so. Devit knows that Shuri thinks he's gross and evil and an abomination and so on. And HE HATES THAT and when Shuri says it to his face it makes him murderous and so on. BUT at this point, he also understands and expects it. Like I essayed once about how in camp, Devit HAS LEARNED SOMETHING, which is that humans don't understand what they are and the way the Noahs see them! Once upon a time, he thought it was a self-delusion or a willful wrong, but now he really does get that humans . . . can't see it because they don't have the Noah, and that if he were in the same position he would feel the same way. I mean. He knows humans are WRONG about how they see themselves and the Noah. But he understands that there is NO PHYSICAL WAY for them to not be wrong because they don't have Noah's genes. And he knows now that he can never talk a human into realizing that they're evil and inferior and disgusting and deserve to be destroyed. EVEN THOUGH IT'S TRUE. He still "knows" that it's true. But he's less angry that humans DON'T. They can't help being inferior and misinformed.

IN SOME WAYS Shuri to Devit is like the epitome of humanity and everything he hates about it. He's cowardly and self-centered and deluded and xenophobic. These are all traits Devit ALSO HAS, but he excuses them in himself, and he can't excuse them in humans, because in Noah's eyes this is what has led to 7000 years of humans abusing one another and Noah and God and the world. So when Devit thinks of humans, Shuri is the kind of human he thinks of. ALSO Devit was bullied in the past by humans who were . . . like Shuri! Who call him "monster" and look down on him and so on. And so he just really, really hates that kind of guy. And it kills him because he knows Shuri isn't better than he is, he KNOWS Shuri is a cowardly weak little pussy who is a useless soldier and people hate him and so on. But Shuri THINKS OTHERWISE! and it pisses Devit off SO MUCH.

So like back in the day, Devit would just say that stuff to Shuri to make him feel bad and torment him, and that would make Devit feel better! Yay! :D But--it didn't feel that good, in some ways? Because Shuri got really freaked out and EW about Devit and omg monster and you don't deserve to live you abomination! and so on. And the point of Devit tormenting Shuri had been to make Shuri realize he was INFERIOR to Devit, not to make him realize Devit was . . . a disgusting abomination. Devit really hates it, REALLY hates it, when people think that about him. So he started feeling bad, because it backfired! Shuri was scared of him and cried and realized he was weak and pathetic and all but he ALSO basically thought of Devit as an animal and it made Devit really, really mad and kind of sick-feeling inside, that this horrible, worthless, typical human should cringe away from him that way.

Also uh now Devit is dating Shuri's cousin and yeah. And Jasdero is gone! And in general there's just nothing he can do against Shuri anymore, and he knows it. He's taken him as low as he can go without hurting or breaking him, neither of which he can do without risking everything for no actual gain. The only thing left to do is . . . bicker and be bitches at one another. WHICH IS WHERE PART TWO COMES IN. IN THE NEXT COMMENT.

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halfcocked April 20 2009, 11:35:48 UTC

SO ALL THEY HAVE LEFT IS BITCHING AND SNARKING. WHOO. And Shuri suggested the whole peace treaty thing, and in Devit's eyes it's a good idea, because he doesn't have to hear "YOU DISGUSTING MONSTER" anymore. Devit knows Shuri still thinks that, because he knows all humans think it. It's programmed into him. The only humans he DOESN'T think think that are Teito and Hakuren, and it took months of development and Camp's truth posts to allow him to even begin to believe that he doesn't make Hakuren want to throw up. XD HE KNOWS SHURI THINKS IT. But he can still function around him as long as Shuri doesn't BRING IT UP, which is what the peace treaty is all about--"You stop calling me a monster and I stop wanting to stab you in the throat every time we talk." \o/ SO he likes it. He's glad Shuri thought of it and suggested it, because Devit's pride would never have allowed him to do so.

So like, what you have left are a couple of . . . bitchy gay teenage guys who are a lot alike in a lot of ways and hate each and bicker back and forth. And the thing is. Devit likes this! He ENJOYS THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP. They're on equal footing, and Shuri doesn't make him feel stupid, and Devit doesn't have to pretend to like him, and Shuri doesn't pretend to like him or pull any punches. It's like, they've already been as horrible to each other as possible. There's no pretext of "Oh we're totally friends!" or Devit lying about what he is or either of them pretending to like the other or having the slightest desire to impress the other or look "cool." So all that's left is total brutal honesty. And Devit likes that! It's EXTREMELY REFRESHING. He doesn't get that much if at all in his relationships. He doesn't like Shuri, Shuri doesn't like him, that's all there is to it.

So ironically that . . . makes him like Shuri. He's very comfortable around Shuri because there is no reason not to be, like, DEVIT LOEV TEITO because Teito is tsunjesus and genuinely likes him and he's Hakuren's BFF, but Devit also has to rein it in around Teito, because he wants to hold on to that friendship and not make things rocky with Hakuren. With Shuri, other than not killing him, Devit doesn't have to rein it in. And at the same time he's burned through his PHASE of extreme mental torment, because it didn't get him anywhere. So Devit is like . . . at this weird point where what's left is to actually talk and listen and be honest with him. I mean, THEY'VE BOTH BROKEN DOWN IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER, LOL. At this point they've made each other cry and cried about other things and revealed horrible secrets and so on. Devit is probably more comfortable around Shuri than anyone else besides like Hakuren and Michael. In a way it's like, there's no way things can get worse between them.

Soooo when Shuri whines about Konatsu and Devit gives him advice and such, IT'S REAL ADVICE. HE REALLY IS TRYING TO HELP. Because it's like "Well if he doesn't take it whatever, and if he does and it doesn't work whatever, and if he does and it works then that means I gave good advice, that's kind of cool." There is no "bad" outcome anymore because it's not like Shuri's going to START HATING DEVIT IF HIS ADVICE IS BAD, OH NO! He already hates him. XD So WHATEVER, might as well try to help the guy out.

And Devit is sort of weirdly fascinated by him. It's like the PLANTED NOAH SEEDS OF CARING. If he walks by Shuri and Shuri is crying or distraught, Devit doesn't "care" in the sense that he is "bothered," which is something he feels only for Hakuren and a bit for Michael (he doesn't even "care" about Teito yet). But he will want to know why and talk to him about it and so on. He has a sort of Shuri-curiosity which is what drives him to always be like "Who do you like, why are you upset, what are you doing now!" Any conversation they have about it is going to be blunt and honest and free of social pressures and so Devit likes having them, it's like LEARNING STUFF about people who are real and easy to read and on par with Devit's emotional and mental level.

ONE MORE 8D

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halfcocked April 20 2009, 11:56:54 UTC

So all in all, Devit is in this weird place where . . . I DON'T EVEN KNOW. He likes Shuri a lot. But he also hates Shuri a lot. He hates Shuri because Shuri is human and an asshole and they've put a lot of time and effort into making one another miserable, and Shuri HATES DEVIT and thinks he is gross. But he likes Shuri because Shuri is accessible and similar to Devit and honest (or at least, dishonest in an obvious way) and interesting and easy to talk to. Devit bothers Shuri so much because he actually does like talking to him. He likes finding out about him and trying to give him advice, and bickering with him, and whatever other stupid thing comes out of it. He likes having someone who is his equal in emotional maturity. XD In a weird, budding way, he actually does care for Shuri. Their relationship was rock-bottom and the only way is up, and Devit finds that he doesn't mind the up-ness, that it actually is kind of neat to just talk to someone without tormenting them or making them hurt. He's done all the hurting he can of Shuri already and it holds little interest for him now, and he stands to gain nothing from it.

BUT YOU HATE ME, SO I HATE YOU! And when Shuri gets all YOU EVIL NOAH~ I'M SO SUPERIOR~ then Devit DOES want to like, rip him to shreds, or at least bring him down emotionally and make him cry.

So Devit like vacillates on Shuri. Sometimes Shuri is in the yellow. If Shuri didn't hate Devit and make that totally clear, he'd be in the yellow, yeah. Sometimes Shuri is like ROCK BOTTOM RED, when he's being a bastard--not the "You suck Devit let me insult you rar!" kind of bastard, which Devit enjoys, but the "YOU'RE A MISTAKE WHO DOESN'T DESERVE TO LIVE AND YOU MAKE ME SICK" kind of bastard. Then he's red. Once in a great while he is even in the pink, not in the sense of Devit "loving" or "caring for" him but in the sense of Devit wanting to shut up him with violent hatesex or something. Not so much, because Devit is VERY MONOGAMOUS WITH HAKUREN. That was really more before they got together. BUT IT HAS HAPPENED IN THE PAST. lol. And objectively, Devit does think he's attractive, because . . . Oak. Stupid sexy Oaks. But Hakuren is prettier.

SO IF I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO AVERAGE EVERYTHING TOGETHER INTO ONE AVERAGE AVERAGE:

But that's not so much his real feelings as it is like,

+

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a_mighty_oak April 20 2009, 15:26:55 UTC

hahaha omgggg YAY ESSAYS I LOVE ESSAYS ♥ SPONTANEOUS ESSAY BACK

Because I find it interesting that Shuri is kind of on this wavelength and KIND OF NOT. He's totally on board (UNCONSCIOUSLY OF COURSE) with the whole 'we already hate each other so we can only go up' thing. He (unconsciously) gets 'I hate you but I still want to talk to you as long as it's mostly civil.' He is (unconsciously) down with being able to take out all of his bitchiness on someone with no real consequences. But his conscious mind refuses to acknowledge these feelings even when he's acting on them, because they are not Pure Hatred. The red+2 I gave for Shuri's conscious estimation of Devit is the MAXIMUM amount of affection Shuri will let himself have. He thinks he is being very generous by allowing him two dots, because by all means, in his mind, he SHOULD be hating Devit PERFECTLY.

For mainly two reasons. One of course being that he is still afraid of Devit. He is more conscious of this reason. All of the casual threats do not stand out as separate memories in his mind, but he remembers them as something like an aura of fear surrounding Devit. The only event he specifically remembers is the stabbing incident, and even that he remembers as dreamlike, as if it were just a nightmare. He has flashes of Devit draping all over him and laughing at how pathetic he is and blood and the bloodied sword, and an overwhelming nauseating fear, and in his memory it's really not even clear just who got stabbed, but that is what runs through his mind when he hears the word 'Noah', and how he continues to think of him as a monster on some level. I know in the essay I wrote shortly after this happened I mentioned that it would be almost impossible for Shuri to trust Devit again, and that. Still holds true months later. :( Shuri is constantly constantly constantly waiting for something like that to happen again in the paranoid corners of his mind. He made the peace treaty to at least put it off as long as possible if it will ever happen, but he still feels a marked uncomfortable vulnerability in Devit's presence, because he's just never sure what he will do.

oh mine went over the limit too

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a_mighty_oak April 20 2009, 15:31:06 UTC

The other reason Shuri's being stubborn is less morbid but for some reason the one he doesn't really consciously recognize, and that is that Shuri comes from a very different background. Hatred was never really real to him. In his world, nobody has ever, to his face, said the things Devit says to him. People pretend to like him, or they pretend to at least tolerate him, or even if they don't pretend at all, like Teito and Mikage, they just ignore him most of the time. He finds the ignoring REALLY ANNOYING yeah but at least they aren't repeatedly telling him how worthless he is so--? Shuri walks through life in his world knowing that people must hate him, but he never has to acknowledge it. It's never his problem. In camp, and with Devit, it suddenly is, because Devit lays everything out clearly and bluntly. He just does not know how to deal with someone openly hating him. There's no way he can pretend it's something other than what it is. And so the only way he knows how to deal with someone hating him is to hate them more. He feels bad about it, sometimes, when he obviously crosses lines and sets Devit off on one of his rants, but even so he feels like he has to stay one step ahead of Devit in their mutual hatred. That way, if Devit sinks lower again, Shuri is already there. He already hates Devit for what he might POTENTIALLY do in the future. So he won't be disappointed by forgiving him and then getting burned again. ._. (But Shuri fails hard at forgiveness in general. The concept is sort of weird to him. Hakuren had to explicitly remind him that people aren't going to hate him forever if he messes up ONCE, and Devit is just so far beyond that it's ridiculous. But that's a separate essay... ha ha ha...) He does everything warily--I mean it's not like he doesn't tell Devit things. He tells Devit all this stupid stuff he won't tell other people. But Devit has to shake it out of him a bit, and whenever he admits anything it's always with the self-assurance "and now he will ridicule me and call me worthless, and afterwards I bet he will tell all of his stupid friends and they'll laugh at me, but at least I'll know whose fault it is when suddenly everyone knows! I hate him!" That one time when Shuri PREEMPTIVELY CALLED HIMSELF STUPID AND WORTHLESS AND UNABLE TO BE LOVED just so Devit couldn't get to it first and then it turned out Devit wasn't even going to say that was just. kinda sad really, but demonstrative. So obviously it's not that he's desensitized to it. It still hurts him every time. But at least with Devit he's on his guard and expecting it whereas with people he lets himself like, it comes as more of an unpleasant shock.

And man, I think Shuri and Devit sort of ARE each other's issues. If Shuri to Devit is every worthless human that deserves to die and ignores their own flaws and yet calls Devit a monster, thennnn Devit to Shuri is the crushing voice of reality that Shuri has obsessively locked out of his own mind, reminding him of his weaknesses and his flaws and his ignorance and his fear of violence and death and the pointlessness and hypocrisy of his life and EVERYTHING. THIS IS WHY WE HATE EACH OTHER SO MUCH DUDE. BUT IT'S SORT OF LIKE WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR YEARS...

ilu, never stop threading with me or I would be sad.

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