: Day
The joke would probably be: "Why was the story untold?" "Because it was so stupid that it would ruin Dracula's reputation if told."
Basically, the story is about Fake Orlando Bloom - Luke Evans - making a deal with a vamperic Tywin Lannister creature in order to save his land from a Turkish invasion, led by Tony Stark's Dad - Dominic Cooper - who is obviously so very Turkish because he has dark hair! The actual backstory isn't terrible. Probably from watching these ancient Chinese dramas recently, the idea of hostage princes to keep weaker countries around you in line is interesting. What's not interesting is people being idiots.
Vampire Tywin Lannister gives Fake Orlando Bloom 3 days of vamperic power, which includes:
* Speed of a falling star
* Strength of X number of men (I forgot exactly how many, but X = a lot)
It obviously comes with the drawback of not being able to do stuff in daytime and a thirst for blood, which Fake Orlando Bloom must never satisfy or else he would become eternally damned instead of just damned for 3 days. So very easy to repel a Turkish invasion with those stipulations, right? Fake Orlando Bloom would just need to go into the Turkish army camp while they're sleeping and slaughter everyone with his speed of a falling star and/or strength of X number of men. Failing that, he could also just go and kill Tony Stark's Dad, who is the prince and leader of the Turkish army. Without their leader, the army would at least be in disarray, right?
But Fake Orlando Bloom can't figure out strategy. He wastes his 3 days ushering his people to safety when any of his lackys could have done it for him while he goes to kill the Turkish army at night. I don't know how he was the most fearsome fighter to begin with if he doesn't even know how to strike fear into his enemy's hearts.
So it ends predictably where everyone Fake Orlando Bloom loves dies and he has to become eternally damned and kill everyone/everything. Then of course, the ending sets up a sequel/cinematic universe. Geeze, writers. It's not that hard to make a fall-from-grace kind of story without making everyone in the story idiots.
I was so very excited for this movie since I love Money Making Thor! We saw this at the first showing last night and I'm a fan of this movie. It's funny, stylish, and has a good villain. That said, probably a few things I'm picky about are:
* Why would Loki be so helpless against Dr. Strange? Maybe Dr. Strange is more powerful in magic than Loki, but making Loki totally unable to do anything against Dr. Strange kind of negates any of Loki's previous powerful abilities in past Marvel movies.
* Thor and Loki seem to forgive each other/Odin so easily. Given past history, Loki seem like he should be so much more bitter about Thor/Odin than what was shown. And Thor could really be more broken up about Loki pretending to be Odin and stashing Real Odin in an old folks' home. It seems like they just instantly made up and are all cool with each other now. Weird, given past characterizations.
* And finally, Loki's hair.
At no point should the front of anyone's hair, given how long it is, stick up vertically from their fivehead like that. Thor's hair is fine, because his hair is short. But Loki's hair, man. It's like a bad drama wig which shouldn't be the case given the money Marvel has.
RIP his Thor 1 hair (back before he had an obvious fivehead):
See how his hair lies somewhat flat against his head? Because that's how natural hair behaves.
But everyone else looks great, including Hella (her hair is great), the other kid that Odin screwed over:
