Sam as in me? Me who's sleeping? I'm tired... I don't want to wake up right now. It's gotta be at least three in the morning, and if she's waking me up because she sobered up too fast, I swear... I'll do... something.
I opened one eye and looked at the clock, since my back was to her. Oh. It's ten. The night moved sorta fast didn't it? And now that I have one eye opened, my entire process is ruined. Shot to hell. All of it gone.
"Hm...?" I managed to get out, and yawned. "Yeah Car, what is it..." I'm too tired. Sleeping is better. I don't have work, I can sleep for a bit and hang out with Julia when I get up.
Good thinking, except it's not going to work. Even if Carly leaves, I'm going to somehow guilt trip myself into getting up and finding out what the hell it was she wanted.
Damn.
I looked over at her. Yeah, she's hung over, and the apology's already there.
... I don't want to deal with this right now. I'm not awake. "It's fine Carly, you were drunk." I yawned again and managed to get myself to sit up. "I've probably done worse or something." Or something. If I have, I don't remember it.
Come on, Sam. I'm trying here. I have a really bad headache, and the sooner that I get this done, the sooner I can concentrate on getting rid of my hangover and going about my day. It's very important that I make things better. I don't like how I acted, and Sam deserves to know that. He put up with me and make sure that I didn't injure myself. Now that I'm not drunk, I appreciate that.
A few days ago I was telling him that Jake takes care of me. I didn't stop to think about everything that Sam has to go through daily. I mean, I knew that Sam had him beat, I just didn't think about it much. I think I take it foregranted because he's always here for me, in the same way that he's always been there for me (minus those four years). He's a constant good influence on me, but I never think about it unless I'm apologizing for something.
"It's fine Carly, you were drunk. I've probably done worse or something."
I don't want to know what the 'worse' was, because he didn't do it around me and I can only imagine how much 'worse' it turned out to be. So no, I'm not going to think of that. And I'm not going to let him let me get off easy. I do that too often.
So he doesn't feel like hearing it, big deal. We both know he's going to listen to me anyway.
"Sam, just let me get this out, okay? I won't be dramatic."
Well, I'll try not to be. I didn't promise anything.
"Sam, just let me get this out, okay? I won't be dramatic."
Small consolation.
Alright, fine. If I know she's not going to leave me alone about it, then obviously, I might as well hear her out. Then I can move on with my life... and maybe get another hour of sleep if I'm lucky.
"Okay." I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "Go for it."
Hopefully Julia will cut in somewhere around the middle, sounding the alarm. She's done it before, I could get lucky and skip all this.
Maybe I should have waited until after breakfast. Should I have waited until after breakfast? No. I decided to get it done quick so that I wouldn't have to feel bad about it for an extended period of time. I shouldn't have waited because I would have been annoyed at myself for too long if I would have tried that.
He's awake enough to listen to me anyway, Sam just doesn't like waking up before noon if he can help it. It's his day off, so I was supposed to let him sleep in a little.
He can sleep after I talk.
"I'm sorry that I ruined your party, insulted your shirt, and said I that I hated you." I think that covers most of the stupid things that I said and did, doesn't it? "Oh, and for the thing with Jake. And the car hatred." Can't forget me insulting his SUV. That was pretty low, all things considered.
"I didn't mean any of it." But he knows that, right? He has to know that. I could never really hate him, no matter how many times I might have said that I did. "I just..." Oh here I go, admitting stupid things. I should try to stop myself before I do that. Or Sam should have been nice and stopped me.
"I'm sorry that I ruined your party, insulted your shirt, and said I that I hated you."
"Good, because I really liked that shirt." I smirked a little. I'm allowed to get away with joking, she's the one stuck apologizing. If it was reversed, she would be the one making sarcastic comments at my expense.
"I think that covers most of the stupid things that I said and did, doesn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, and for the thing with Jake. And the car hatred."
"The thing with Jake was bound to happen." I should be used to it, but I'm not. And what's worse, I actually feel bad about hating Jake. Which, for all intensive purposes, is freakin' retarded. I'm well justified in not liking the guy damn it.
"The car hatred is fine." I waved it off. "It's fine Car. Seriously it's fine." It is, god damn it. Now let me go back to sleep, and stop looking at me like that.
"I didn't mean any of it. I just..."
"You're still pissed over me leaving. I know Car." I sighed and rubbed my face with both hands, trying to wake up a little bit more. "I'll call every day. I'll have a shitty time. And I'll even see if I can speed up the week, okay?"
That last part? Really doubtful, the girls will probably be alternating between drunk and hungover and stoned out of their minds. At least, most of them. So the time in between is when I'm supposed to get the shoots done, and that's not much.
It's a shirt. Whatever. He shouldn't be cracking jokes when I'm hungover and trying to apologize, it's not cool. I'm trying to do something that I'm very not used to having to do, and Sam's being sarcastic. He better enjoy it while it lasts. Next time he'll be the one who did something wrong, and then we'll see how he likes my jokes.
"The thing with Jake was bound to happen."
"Excuse me, why was the thing with Jake bound to happen?"
Okay, exactly what is he getting at there? The thing with Jake was not bound to happen. It happened because I was drunk and he was there. As a general rule I don't compare the two of them unless it's absolutely necessary. They're two totally different animals. And that statement makes a lot of sens the more I'm...not going to think about it. Although I have to admit, it's damn true.
"The car hatred is fine. It's fine Car. Seriously it's fine."
I don't get why he's being so good about this. I screwed up; he could be throwing it in my face right now. Sam could remind me that he's spending a week with a bunch of gorgeous models who are probably a hell of a lot easier to deal with than I am.
And damnit, now I'm thinking of them as models and human beings. I want them to go back to being skinny whores.
"You're still pissed over me leaving. I know Car. I'll call every day. I'll have a shitty time. And I'll even see if I can speed up the week, okay?"
I resent that. Personally, I think we're past the initial reaction of anger. We've moved on to a whole mess of feelings that I don't want to deal with, and that was why drinking seemed like a very good option. Alcohol is nothing more than escapism at its finest, and thats what I wanted when I was downing apple jacks.
Well, I wanted to escape, and I wanted more booze. Same difference.
"I'm not used to you leaving. The last time you did, it took me four years for you to come back.--And I know, it's different."
"Excuse me, why was the thing with Jake bound to happen?"
Because I can't stand the guy, and you probably used it. I don't know, how the hell am I supposed to know what was going on in a drunk Carly's head? I can't.
"Because he was there, and you had too much to drink, and since it was Jake something was going to happen. Don't take offense to that. Please." I sighed.
"I am not pissed. I'm upset."
Well it had to be one of the two. Does she not remember I'm freakin' tired? Am I going to know what I'm doing? No. I'll know more than I would drunk, but still.
"I'm not used to you leaving. The last time you did, it took me four years for you to come back.--And I know, it's different."
"Yeah, it is." I said with a sigh. "Because I am coming back, because we're still together, and because I'm not leaving you ever again."
"Yeah, it is. Because I am coming back, because we're still together, and because I'm not leaving you ever again."
That's sweet. It's very sweet, and a little comforting but...how can he be sure of that? He didn't seem to think that he'd leave me before, but then there was college for me, and my dad being an absolute jackass about me not compromising my goals to be with anyone. And I don't think I ever really wanted to go to Europe, but I did consider it. I never really though he meant it when he said I could go, but if I thought he meant it and I hadn't worked so hard to get a good education, maybe things would have been different.
Maybe we would have had four years of fighting like hell. Who knows. But the point is, I didn't think Sam wanted to leave me in the first place, and he left. It's not that I don't trust him, I do. But...here I go again.
"I know, Sam. But isn't it possible that....well...I keep thinking that maybe you miss the life that you had in Europe."
He wouldn't leave me if he wanted to, it doesn't mean that he'll never want to. Especially when I pull stupid stuff like this.
"Maybe you don't remember that you miss it, but once you get back out on your own again..."
Why am I saying this to him? Do I want to get dumped again?
"I know, Sam. But isn't it possible that....well...I keep thinking that maybe you miss the life that you had in Europe."
I was waiting for that.
"No, it's not possible." I said, feeling tired all over again. Actually, maybe I'm lying a little about that. Just a bit. I do miss it every now and again. But certain things sort of forced me to grow past that.
"Maybe you don't remember that you miss it, but once you get back out on your own again..."
"Once I get back out on my own again, for all of one week, I'm going to be way freakin' bored, have a horrible time because you're not there, and be happy to come back." I said simply, rolling my eyes. "Car, I don't miss it. And even if I did, I had to grow up sometime, know what I mean?"
I shrugged. "The party had to end sometime."
I just never thought it'd end the way it did. "You've got nothing to worry about it, I swear it, okay?"
He can't be sure about that. There's no way he could possibly be sure about that. Sam's just saying it so that I don't worry. He thinks I'll get crazy and do stupid things. I know what he thinks I'm like, but I'm going to give myself a little more credit than that. There's nothing I can do about this mess. Attempting to make myself feel better backfired, so even alcoholic comfort isn't going to do me any favors.
"Once I get back out on my own again, for all of one week, I'm going to be way freakin' bored, have a horrible time because you're not there, and be happy to come back. Car, I don't miss it. And even if I did, I had to grow up sometime, know what I mean? The party had to end sometime."
That does not, in any way, shape or form, sound good for me. That sounds like one morning he woke up and decided to be an adult. Then I came back into the picture, and he went with it. Before Sam knew it, he had to be responsible for a daughter, a girlfriend, a house; the whole nine. It doesn't sound like he wanted any of it, it sounds like it happened, Sam dealt, and he just happened to not mind the results.
It could be true, and you know what? It probably is. But I absolutely hate looking at our life like that.
"Right. What was I thinking."
"You've got nothing to worry about it, I swear it, okay?"
He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, now I don't want to talk about it. I should have known that being honest would come back to bite me.
I have to love how she never seems to buy total honesty. Either that, or gets offended by it. I can see it in her eyes, something struck the wrong way.
I can also tell she's close to dropping it.
"I'll let you go back to sleep now."
And there it is.
"I think I'll do that. I'll be up in an hour." I laid back down and tried to get comfortable, and realized three seconds after that this wasn't going to work. "... Or not."
Damn it. She killed it!
"Maybe I'll just get up now." I pulled myself out of bed. "Julia should be awake soon anyway..." There. That's consolation.
"I think I'll do that. I'll be up in an hour... Or not."
"Whatever, Sam. You were the one who wanted to sleep."
I got up and went over to rip apart my dresser drawers for a nail file. I knew I had one in there somewhere. It was a decent two second distraction from Sam and his attitude about life. And that whole thing aside, I must have been pretty damn clumsy last night if I did this much damage to my nails. Even slaying rarely messes them up enough to merit special attention.
"Maybe I'll just get up now. Julia should be awake soon anyway..."
"I can handle her when she does."
I know that he gets to see her more than I do, but I know how to take care of my own child. Sam's usually the first one to go running when she wants something, and after tomorrow, that won't be the case for a little while. I should be doing some things differently now so that it's easier on her while he's away. And I never intentionally let Sam take care of her more, but most days I'm the first one up for work, I go to the gym after that, come home for a while, and then I have to go slaying. A lot of times she's asleep before I get home, and when she isn't, she's cranky because she should be. I'm probably dead for not calling myself out today, but it's an opportunity to be a more active parent.
I stopped, since I was headed out to go check on her, and looked back. Oh yeah... she won't be seeing me for a week, will she. That'll be fun.
I hope she doesn't give Carly too much hell, otherwise I'll get crap for it later. But the cool part is, if she does give Carly hell, it's because she misses me.
I think I could handle getting crap for that.
"You sure?"
"It might be good for her, you know?"
"Yeah." I nodded a little. "Good point." I sighed, and remembered the thing that had been sort of bugging me earlier. Crap, that whole feeling bad for Jake thing.
"I'm going to take care of something, okay?" I pulled on a shirt over my head, and changed into jeans. If I tell her what I'm going to do, I'll probably never hear the end of it. Either that, or the look on her face is going to drive me nuts.
And then, it'll spread, and I'll get crap from Madsen and Alex and Arianna. What the hell, Dan'll probably join in too.
I kissed Carly's cheek, and started out. "I love you. I'll be back in an hour." Or less.
Sam.
Sam as in me? Me who's sleeping? I'm tired... I don't want to wake up right now. It's gotta be at least three in the morning, and if she's waking me up because she sobered up too fast, I swear... I'll do... something.
I opened one eye and looked at the clock, since my back was to her. Oh. It's ten. The night moved sorta fast didn't it? And now that I have one eye opened, my entire process is ruined. Shot to hell. All of it gone.
"Hm...?" I managed to get out, and yawned. "Yeah Car, what is it..." I'm too tired. Sleeping is better. I don't have work, I can sleep for a bit and hang out with Julia when I get up.
Good thinking, except it's not going to work. Even if Carly leaves, I'm going to somehow guilt trip myself into getting up and finding out what the hell it was she wanted.
Damn.
I looked over at her. Yeah, she's hung over, and the apology's already there.
... I don't want to deal with this right now. I'm not awake. "It's fine Carly, you were drunk." I yawned again and managed to get myself to sit up. "I've probably done worse or something." Or something. If I have, I don't remember it.
Whatever.
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"I want to talk to you."
Come on, Sam. I'm trying here. I have a really bad headache, and the sooner that I get this done, the sooner I can concentrate on getting rid of my hangover and going about my day. It's very important that I make things better. I don't like how I acted, and Sam deserves to know that. He put up with me and make sure that I didn't injure myself. Now that I'm not drunk, I appreciate that.
A few days ago I was telling him that Jake takes care of me. I didn't stop to think about everything that Sam has to go through daily. I mean, I knew that Sam had him beat, I just didn't think about it much. I think I take it foregranted because he's always here for me, in the same way that he's always been there for me (minus those four years). He's a constant good influence on me, but I never think about it unless I'm apologizing for something.
"It's fine Carly, you were drunk. I've probably done worse or something."
I don't want to know what the 'worse' was, because he didn't do it around me and I can only imagine how much 'worse' it turned out to be. So no, I'm not going to think of that. And I'm not going to let him let me get off easy. I do that too often.
So he doesn't feel like hearing it, big deal. We both know he's going to listen to me anyway.
"Sam, just let me get this out, okay? I won't be dramatic."
Well, I'll try not to be. I didn't promise anything.
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I don't want to listen damn it.
"Sam, just let me get this out, okay? I won't be dramatic."
Small consolation.
Alright, fine. If I know she's not going to leave me alone about it, then obviously, I might as well hear her out. Then I can move on with my life... and maybe get another hour of sleep if I'm lucky.
"Okay." I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "Go for it."
Hopefully Julia will cut in somewhere around the middle, sounding the alarm. She's done it before, I could get lucky and skip all this.
... Then again...
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Maybe I should have waited until after breakfast. Should I have waited until after breakfast? No. I decided to get it done quick so that I wouldn't have to feel bad about it for an extended period of time. I shouldn't have waited because I would have been annoyed at myself for too long if I would have tried that.
He's awake enough to listen to me anyway, Sam just doesn't like waking up before noon if he can help it. It's his day off, so I was supposed to let him sleep in a little.
He can sleep after I talk.
"I'm sorry that I ruined your party, insulted your shirt, and said I that I hated you." I think that covers most of the stupid things that I said and did, doesn't it? "Oh, and for the thing with Jake. And the car hatred." Can't forget me insulting his SUV. That was pretty low, all things considered.
"I didn't mean any of it." But he knows that, right? He has to know that. I could never really hate him, no matter how many times I might have said that I did. "I just..." Oh here I go, admitting stupid things. I should try to stop myself before I do that. Or Sam should have been nice and stopped me.
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"Good, because I really liked that shirt." I smirked a little. I'm allowed to get away with joking, she's the one stuck apologizing. If it was reversed, she would be the one making sarcastic comments at my expense.
"I think that covers most of the stupid things that I said and did, doesn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, and for the thing with Jake. And the car hatred."
"The thing with Jake was bound to happen." I should be used to it, but I'm not. And what's worse, I actually feel bad about hating Jake. Which, for all intensive purposes, is freakin' retarded. I'm well justified in not liking the guy damn it.
"The car hatred is fine." I waved it off. "It's fine Car. Seriously it's fine." It is, god damn it. Now let me go back to sleep, and stop looking at me like that.
"I didn't mean any of it. I just..."
"You're still pissed over me leaving. I know Car." I sighed and rubbed my face with both hands, trying to wake up a little bit more. "I'll call every day. I'll have a shitty time. And I'll even see if I can speed up the week, okay?"
That last part? Really doubtful, the girls will probably be alternating between drunk and hungover and stoned out of their minds. At least, most of them. So the time in between is when I'm supposed to get the shoots done, and that's not much.
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It's a shirt. Whatever. He shouldn't be cracking jokes when I'm hungover and trying to apologize, it's not cool. I'm trying to do something that I'm very not used to having to do, and Sam's being sarcastic. He better enjoy it while it lasts. Next time he'll be the one who did something wrong, and then we'll see how he likes my jokes.
"The thing with Jake was bound to happen."
"Excuse me, why was the thing with Jake bound to happen?"
Okay, exactly what is he getting at there? The thing with Jake was not bound to happen. It happened because I was drunk and he was there. As a general rule I don't compare the two of them unless it's absolutely necessary. They're two totally different animals. And that statement makes a lot of sens the more I'm...not going to think about it. Although I have to admit, it's damn true.
"The car hatred is fine. It's fine Car. Seriously it's fine."
I don't get why he's being so good about this. I screwed up; he could be throwing it in my face right now. Sam could remind me that he's spending a week with a bunch of gorgeous models who are probably a hell of a lot easier to deal with than I am.
And damnit, now I'm thinking of them as models and human beings. I want them to go back to being skinny whores.
"You're still pissed over me leaving. I know Car. I'll call every day. I'll have a shitty time. And I'll even see if I can speed up the week, okay?"
I resent that. Personally, I think we're past the initial reaction of anger. We've moved on to a whole mess of feelings that I don't want to deal with, and that was why drinking seemed like a very good option. Alcohol is nothing more than escapism at its finest, and thats what I wanted when I was downing apple jacks.
Well, I wanted to escape, and I wanted more booze. Same difference.
"I'm not used to you leaving. The last time you did, it took me four years for you to come back.--And I know, it's different."
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Because I can't stand the guy, and you probably used it. I don't know, how the hell am I supposed to know what was going on in a drunk Carly's head? I can't.
"Because he was there, and you had too much to drink, and since it was Jake something was going to happen. Don't take offense to that. Please." I sighed.
"I am not pissed. I'm upset."
Well it had to be one of the two. Does she not remember I'm freakin' tired? Am I going to know what I'm doing? No. I'll know more than I would drunk, but still.
"I'm not used to you leaving. The last time you did, it took me four years for you to come back.--And I know, it's different."
"Yeah, it is." I said with a sigh. "Because I am coming back, because we're still together, and because I'm not leaving you ever again."
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That's sweet. It's very sweet, and a little comforting but...how can he be sure of that? He didn't seem to think that he'd leave me before, but then there was college for me, and my dad being an absolute jackass about me not compromising my goals to be with anyone. And I don't think I ever really wanted to go to Europe, but I did consider it. I never really though he meant it when he said I could go, but if I thought he meant it and I hadn't worked so hard to get a good education, maybe things would have been different.
Maybe we would have had four years of fighting like hell. Who knows. But the point is, I didn't think Sam wanted to leave me in the first place, and he left. It's not that I don't trust him, I do. But...here I go again.
"I know, Sam. But isn't it possible that....well...I keep thinking that maybe you miss the life that you had in Europe."
He wouldn't leave me if he wanted to, it doesn't mean that he'll never want to. Especially when I pull stupid stuff like this.
"Maybe you don't remember that you miss it, but once you get back out on your own again..."
Why am I saying this to him? Do I want to get dumped again?
No, I'm just hungover.
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I was waiting for that.
"No, it's not possible." I said, feeling tired all over again. Actually, maybe I'm lying a little about that. Just a bit. I do miss it every now and again. But certain things sort of forced me to grow past that.
"Maybe you don't remember that you miss it, but once you get back out on your own again..."
"Once I get back out on my own again, for all of one week, I'm going to be way freakin' bored, have a horrible time because you're not there, and be happy to come back." I said simply, rolling my eyes. "Car, I don't miss it. And even if I did, I had to grow up sometime, know what I mean?"
I shrugged. "The party had to end sometime."
I just never thought it'd end the way it did. "You've got nothing to worry about it, I swear it, okay?"
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He can't be sure about that. There's no way he could possibly be sure about that. Sam's just saying it so that I don't worry. He thinks I'll get crazy and do stupid things. I know what he thinks I'm like, but I'm going to give myself a little more credit than that. There's nothing I can do about this mess. Attempting to make myself feel better backfired, so even alcoholic comfort isn't going to do me any favors.
"Once I get back out on my own again, for all of one week, I'm going to be way freakin' bored, have a horrible time because you're not there, and be happy to come back. Car, I don't miss it. And even if I did, I had to grow up sometime, know what I mean? The party had to end sometime."
That does not, in any way, shape or form, sound good for me. That sounds like one morning he woke up and decided to be an adult. Then I came back into the picture, and he went with it. Before Sam knew it, he had to be responsible for a daughter, a girlfriend, a house; the whole nine. It doesn't sound like he wanted any of it, it sounds like it happened, Sam dealt, and he just happened to not mind the results.
It could be true, and you know what? It probably is. But I absolutely hate looking at our life like that.
"Right. What was I thinking."
"You've got nothing to worry about it, I swear it, okay?"
He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, now I don't want to talk about it. I should have known that being honest would come back to bite me.
Yeah, I'm not doing that again.
"I'll let you go back to sleep now."
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I have to love how she never seems to buy total honesty. Either that, or gets offended by it. I can see it in her eyes, something struck the wrong way.
I can also tell she's close to dropping it.
"I'll let you go back to sleep now."
And there it is.
"I think I'll do that. I'll be up in an hour." I laid back down and tried to get comfortable, and realized three seconds after that this wasn't going to work. "... Or not."
Damn it. She killed it!
"Maybe I'll just get up now." I pulled myself out of bed. "Julia should be awake soon anyway..." There. That's consolation.
God damn it.
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"Whatever, Sam. You were the one who wanted to sleep."
I got up and went over to rip apart my dresser drawers for a nail file. I knew I had one in there somewhere. It was a decent two second distraction from Sam and his attitude about life. And that whole thing aside, I must have been pretty damn clumsy last night if I did this much damage to my nails. Even slaying rarely messes them up enough to merit special attention.
"Maybe I'll just get up now. Julia should be awake soon anyway..."
"I can handle her when she does."
I know that he gets to see her more than I do, but I know how to take care of my own child. Sam's usually the first one to go running when she wants something, and after tomorrow, that won't be the case for a little while. I should be doing some things differently now so that it's easier on her while he's away. And I never intentionally let Sam take care of her more, but most days I'm the first one up for work, I go to the gym after that, come home for a while, and then I have to go slaying. A lot of times she's asleep before I get home, and when she isn't, she's cranky because she should be. I'm probably dead for not calling myself out today, but it's an opportunity to be a more active parent.
"It might be good for her, you know?"
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I stopped, since I was headed out to go check on her, and looked back. Oh yeah... she won't be seeing me for a week, will she. That'll be fun.
I hope she doesn't give Carly too much hell, otherwise I'll get crap for it later. But the cool part is, if she does give Carly hell, it's because she misses me.
I think I could handle getting crap for that.
"You sure?"
"It might be good for her, you know?"
"Yeah." I nodded a little. "Good point." I sighed, and remembered the thing that had been sort of bugging me earlier. Crap, that whole feeling bad for Jake thing.
"I'm going to take care of something, okay?" I pulled on a shirt over my head, and changed into jeans. If I tell her what I'm going to do, I'll probably never hear the end of it. Either that, or the look on her face is going to drive me nuts.
And then, it'll spread, and I'll get crap from Madsen and Alex and Arianna. What the hell, Dan'll probably join in too.
I kissed Carly's cheek, and started out. "I love you. I'll be back in an hour." Or less.
Let's get this crap over with.
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