We're going to talk longer than I thought we were. I'm scared of what he might have to say, but I'll listen. I'll put Julia in her bedroom and listen. I want to listen. If he's talking to me, he's not with her. It doesn't matter that the talking is really going to be fighting, at least it'll be fighting with me. Natasha can wait. Outside. She's getting in the way of my life, so she can wait.
"It's just--"
"Take her out of the room, and then explain it to me again, because I'm not getting it. And I'm pretty sure you've just lost your mind, but maybe I'm wrong. So please take Jules into the other room, put her in the crib, and come back out here."
I hate it when Sam acts like that. It's almost as though he thinks I'm trying to upset him. I mean, I know that I do sometimes. I'm aware that what I'm saying isn't going to make him happy with me, but if I just agree to let them talk for a little while without telling him that..that I want him to be sure about this, then maybe in the long run, he'd see that I was saying it to make sure that he never felt trapped.
I wish I really thought it was all in my head. This one of those rare times where crazy would be a title I'd accept, but when I think about everything he's said about this woman, and how his first instinct is to say that he'll stay with me without having any real reason for it...I don't think it is.
I nodded before bringing Julia into her bedroom and putting her in her crib, exactly the way Sam told me to. I turned on the monitor, putting it in my pocket. Just as I was about to walk out, I stopped.
If she was old enough to understand, I swear, my daughter would hate me for the things I'm saying to Sam.
"I love you, sweetheart." I gave her a kiss on the forehead and walked out, leaving the door open a crack just because. With her tendency to start fires, I don't like leaving her by herself for long, monitor or not.
I headed back into the living room, bracing myself for whatever was going to happen next.
"Okay." I crossed my arms and looked at him, seeing just as much anger in his eyes as I did before. He may know me better than I know myself, but I don't think either of us are ever going to understand me. That's what all the trouble stems from.
I waited while she brought Jules in, trying to ignore that old familiar tingle that was starting up in my hands. I'm going to keep calm here. She's not going to make me lose it just because she's being crazy.
"Okay."
"Okay." I forced my voice to stay as close to normal as I could get. She doesn't look any different. In fact, she looks upset. And I want to make it better, but she doesn't want that. She wants me to get the hell out, apparently.
Unless I'm wrong.
I'm going to give her a chance to be told differently, because this is one of those times where I really want to be wrong.
"What...what do you want me to say here?"
"I want you to explain to me what the hell you just said," I told her, and forced the feeling in my hands to stop and the heat to go down. That'll last me until the end of the conversation we're having here, unless this turns out to be more insane than I thought.
"Because I don't think I'm getting it. And if I'm getting it, if I understand what you just said, then it's fucking insane."
"I want you to explain to me what the hell you just said."
There's nothing to explain. Really, there's not. I said what I did because this all came out of nowhere, and now I don't know what to do about it other than to give him a chance to figure out how he wants his life to be like. I forced him into a lot of things. Some of it was good, some of it was better in the end, and other times I was just wrong. I always thought I knew exactly what should have happened and how to get to that point, but it seems like I just kept pushing until I had things my way. I guess I always thought we wanted the same things. I never stopped to think that maybe my demands were asking too much. I bet Natasha never expected anything of him at all. She acts like she makes things easy. I know I wouldn't have walked out that fast in her place. Maybe she's confident. She thinks she has him. After all, he probably would have never come back if he hadn't thought she was dead.
"Because I don't think I'm getting it. And if I'm getting it, if I understand what you just said, then it's fucking insane."
"No, it's not."
What if Sam was in my place? He's always had a problem with Jake, and I told him time and time again that we were just friends. He got pissed anyway. When he heard I asked Jake to stay with us for the week, he was practically ready to cancel his photoshoot. And it's not the same thing as Natasha. Sam knows exactly how I felt about Jake, abd regardless of how Jake felt about me, he would have never tried anything. I don't Natasha works that way.
I know I'm not being crazy. Sam never wanted to talk about her. Ever. And he misses at least part of the whole party thing. I'm guessing he missed her part. Too bad he had to grow up and be with me, isn't it?
This isn't insane. And if he thinks it is, maybe he should clear it up for me. I could use that right about now.
"Don't you always say that youre with me because you had to grow up? That isn't what I would call a compliment, Sam. It hurts--a lot, to think that you decided your good times were over so you fell in line and went back to being in a relationship with me. If I'm not the one who makes you happy, and she is, then I don't know what the hell is going to keep you here now."
I admit defeat, whether I want to or not, because I don't really have a choice. I was lucky for a long time, and I had it better than I deserved. Maybe knowing that had me a little more insecure than I could have been. If I had my act together a little more maybe I could be as confident as Natasha is, but I'm not and I don't, and I think that the only thing left to do is admit that and hope Sam already has what he wants.
"Don't you always say that you're with me because you had to grow up?"
I said that? I never said that. What the hell is she talking about? She really has just flat out lost it, hasn't she?
"That isn't what I would call a compliment, Sam. It hurts--a lot, to think that you decided your good times were over so you fell in line and went back to being in a relationship with me."
"Carly, that's--"
"If I'm not the one who makes you happy, and she is, then I don't know what the hell is going to keep you here now."
I stared at her, trying to figure out what to say to that. She thinks she doesn't make me happy? What the hell made her think that? Ever? I just... I love her. I know it. I wouldn't be here if I didn't love her.
"I give up."
"I can't..." I sighed. "I can't believe you." I really can't. She's just absolutely fucking insane, and I have no idea what the hell to say that would make her think otherwise. I don't actually feel angry anymore. I just don't get it.
"This is bullshit, you know that?"
I shook my head, and then looked at the door, and back to Carly. I don't see the fucking choice here. There isn't one. I want to be here. With my girlfriend and my daughter. And all this crap that she's thinking that isn't even true... I don't even know what to say to that. That's just bullshit.
"So what do you want me to do, since you've obviously got everything all figured out?"
I can't believe me either. I was so happy to have Sam home again. A week away from him was almost too much for me. Without Jake, I know it would have been. The last thing I want is for us to not be together. But he didn't know the whole truth before, he does now.
I can understand why Sam thinks I don't know what I'm talking about. I never saw them together. He didn't give me any opportunities to figure out how deep it went with them. He just shut it out the way he does when he talks about his father. Sam would never intentionally hurt someone, but he feels responsible for what happened to her. Natasha. A person he loved. And maybe by letting him think she was dead, Natasha reached him on some level I'll never be at. One I'd never want to be at, because it would mean I was dead, or presumed dead, and just...away from him and Jules.
She's still there though, and the fact that she survived makes her just...I can't compete with that.
"This is bullshit, you know that?"
"I don't know much of anything right now." I admitted, looking down so that I wouldn't have to make eye contact. Maybe if I thought about this more I'd change my mind, focus on trying to fight for Sam instead of cutting him loose so soon. I'll probably really regret this soon, especially if things go the other way and I end up alone.
It still feels like this conversation has to happen. That's all I can work with right now.
"So what do you want me to do, since you've obviously got everything all figured out?"
"I do not have...do you think I'm looking for an excuse to get rid of you or something? I'm trying really hard to do the right thing here."
"I do not have...do you think I'm looking for an excuse to get rid of you or something?"
"I don't know, are you?" That's what it looks like to me.
"I'm trying really hard to do the right thing here."
"And this is the right thing?" She's telling me to leave. To go find out if Natasha's the one I want. I know which one I fucking want, damn it. This is such crap. I don't see how this could ever be the right thing.
"You know how much I love you."
"Then why the hell are you doing this?" It's a valid damned question. I deserve an actual answer that doesn't sound fucking crazy. At least, that's what I think.
"What do you want to do about this?"
"I want to go talk with Natasha for an hour, find out what happened, send her on her merry fucking way, and then move on with my life." I said, glaring at her. "I don't want you to keep thinking that somehow I don't want to be here. That's what I want done."
... I think I'm going to fucking strangle her.
"Carly, come on." I sighed. "You can't possibly fucking believe this bullshit is the right way to do it."
For him, mostly. But in a way, it's for me too. If Sam can take time away from me, have his chance with the one he thought he lost, and still wants to come back home after that, then nothing is going to be able to touch us again. I think. And I hope to God that I'm right about this, and that we somehow manage to come out stronger for it. Closer for it.
I could really end up alone this time. He could realize what a mess I am and just...he could say I pushed him away. I know that's what it looks like I'm doing. I also know that there's no other way to do this than to give him some space and wait. I'm always the first to doubt our relationship. For once, I need to believe that he's going to come back to me instead of picking Natasha.
I don't think I'll be able to get past my fears unless I know he's had time to reconsider. It's sick, and wrong, and it goes against everything that I want for my life, but that's never stopped me before.
I have everything I want. Everything. I should tell Sam I'm sorry for starting trouble and go to bed.
"I want to go talk with Natasha for an hour, find out what happened, send her on her merry fucking way, and then move on with my life. I don't want you to keep thinking that somehow I don't want to be here. That's what I want done."
"What if this is the only way to get me over it?"
"Carly, come on. You can't possibly fucking believe this bullshit is the right way to do it."
I wasn't sure if there were tears, but I rubbed my eyes anyway. Once that dam breaks, he's going to think I really have lost it,that I don't know what I'm doing, and that I'm just insecure and afraid and have no clue as to what I'm talking about.
Sam would probably be right.
"I..."
I can't do this. These aren't words I want to say. And I won't. I can't. I didn't mean to take it this far.
"I think we should take a break for a while. It might be good for us."
Here it comes. I can see it. She's going to cry any second and drop the whole thing, or she's going to tell me to get the fuck out. I don't like either one, because I can't fix it.
I know I can't. I think I want to kill her over it. Even though I'd never hurt her, that doesn't mean I don't want to over this insanity.
Forget that, I want to blow something up. I want to torch something. And I still don't think I'd feel better. But it'd help.
"I think we should take a break for a while. It might be good for us."
She's dumping me. It's offical. 'Taking a break' is bullshit, anyone who's ever done a remotely serious realtionship knows that. This is dumping me at it's fucking finest too, considering we have a God damn daughter.
I stared at her, letting what she just said set in. "Take a break." I think I sound as pissed as I am. At least I'm not yelling. But the room is heating up, and I need to leave. That works, considering that's what she wants. She's dumping me.
I looked at the ground since I didn't want her in my line of fire, and took a slow breath, making things around me normal again. Just like I was taught. Or some kind of normal. I can't believe this bullshit. I just can't.
Finally looking back at her, I nodded. "Fine. If that's what you want." I want to scream at her. I really want to hurt her. And I think now's the time to go.
"I'll be back for my stuff later." I grabbed my cellphone and my keys, dropping them in my pockets. I know when she won't be around, that's when I'll be in. "You let me know if you suddenly happen to change your mind and stop being so fucking insane."
I walked out the door, and slammed it behind me. It didn't help at all, but it's the usual thing I do when I leave here pissed. And I'm definitely pissed. "Damn it." I said under my breath, and finally looked back to Natasha.
"Oh God Sam, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen."
I tried forcing a smile, and it didn't work. "It's fine." It really isn't, but it's not exactly her fault. It's my girlfriend's fault. The one I'm 'on a break' with.
"Let's get out of here love."
"Yeah."
I walked down the stairs, keeping myself in check as we took her car, driving away.
"It's going to be alright."
"Not now, okay?"
"Sure, alright."
I stared out the window, trying to figure out how I was going to fix this. Or maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it should be up to her. Because this sure as hell isn't my mistake. It's hers.
We're going to talk longer than I thought we were. I'm scared of what he might have to say, but I'll listen. I'll put Julia in her bedroom and listen. I want to listen. If he's talking to me, he's not with her. It doesn't matter that the talking is really going to be fighting, at least it'll be fighting with me. Natasha can wait. Outside. She's getting in the way of my life, so she can wait.
"It's just--"
"Take her out of the room, and then explain it to me again, because I'm not getting it. And I'm pretty sure you've just lost your mind, but maybe I'm wrong. So please take Jules into the other room, put her in the crib, and come back out here."
I hate it when Sam acts like that. It's almost as though he thinks I'm trying to upset him. I mean, I know that I do sometimes. I'm aware that what I'm saying isn't going to make him happy with me, but if I just agree to let them talk for a little while without telling him that..that I want him to be sure about this, then maybe in the long run, he'd see that I was saying it to make sure that he never felt trapped.
I wish I really thought it was all in my head. This one of those rare times where crazy would be a title I'd accept, but when I think about everything he's said about this woman, and how his first instinct is to say that he'll stay with me without having any real reason for it...I don't think it is.
I nodded before bringing Julia into her bedroom and putting her in her crib, exactly the way Sam told me to. I turned on the monitor, putting it in my pocket. Just as I was about to walk out, I stopped.
If she was old enough to understand, I swear, my daughter would hate me for the things I'm saying to Sam.
"I love you, sweetheart." I gave her a kiss on the forehead and walked out, leaving the door open a crack just because. With her tendency to start fires, I don't like leaving her by herself for long, monitor or not.
I headed back into the living room, bracing myself for whatever was going to happen next.
"Okay." I crossed my arms and looked at him, seeing just as much anger in his eyes as I did before. He may know me better than I know myself, but I don't think either of us are ever going to understand me. That's what all the trouble stems from.
"What...what do you want me to say here?"
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"Okay."
"Okay." I forced my voice to stay as close to normal as I could get. She doesn't look any different. In fact, she looks upset. And I want to make it better, but she doesn't want that. She wants me to get the hell out, apparently.
Unless I'm wrong.
I'm going to give her a chance to be told differently, because this is one of those times where I really want to be wrong.
"What...what do you want me to say here?"
"I want you to explain to me what the hell you just said," I told her, and forced the feeling in my hands to stop and the heat to go down. That'll last me until the end of the conversation we're having here, unless this turns out to be more insane than I thought.
"Because I don't think I'm getting it. And if I'm getting it, if I understand what you just said, then it's fucking insane."
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There's nothing to explain. Really, there's not. I said what I did because this all came out of nowhere, and now I don't know what to do about it other than to give him a chance to figure out how he wants his life to be like. I forced him into a lot of things. Some of it was good, some of it was better in the end, and other times I was just wrong. I always thought I knew exactly what should have happened and how to get to that point, but it seems like I just kept pushing until I had things my way. I guess I always thought we wanted the same things. I never stopped to think that maybe my demands were asking too much. I bet Natasha never expected anything of him at all. She acts like she makes things easy. I know I wouldn't have walked out that fast in her place. Maybe she's confident. She thinks she has him. After all, he probably would have never come back if he hadn't thought she was dead.
"Because I don't think I'm getting it. And if I'm getting it, if I understand what you just said, then it's fucking insane."
"No, it's not."
What if Sam was in my place? He's always had a problem with Jake, and I told him time and time again that we were just friends. He got pissed anyway. When he heard I asked Jake to stay with us for the week, he was practically ready to cancel his photoshoot. And it's not the same thing as Natasha. Sam knows exactly how I felt about Jake, abd regardless of how Jake felt about me, he would have never tried anything. I don't Natasha works that way.
I know I'm not being crazy. Sam never wanted to talk about her. Ever. And he misses at least part of the whole party thing. I'm guessing he missed her part. Too bad he had to grow up and be with me, isn't it?
This isn't insane. And if he thinks it is, maybe he should clear it up for me. I could use that right about now.
"Don't you always say that youre with me because you had to grow up? That isn't what I would call a compliment, Sam. It hurts--a lot, to think that you decided your good times were over so you fell in line and went back to being in a relationship with me. If I'm not the one who makes you happy, and she is, then I don't know what the hell is going to keep you here now."
I admit defeat, whether I want to or not, because I don't really have a choice. I was lucky for a long time, and I had it better than I deserved. Maybe knowing that had me a little more insecure than I could have been. If I had my act together a little more maybe I could be as confident as Natasha is, but I'm not and I don't, and I think that the only thing left to do is admit that and hope Sam already has what he wants.
"I give up."
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"It isn't?"
"Don't you always say that you're with me because you had to grow up?"
I said that? I never said that. What the hell is she talking about? She really has just flat out lost it, hasn't she?
"That isn't what I would call a compliment, Sam. It hurts--a lot, to think that you decided your good times were over so you fell in line and went back to being in a relationship with me."
"Carly, that's--"
"If I'm not the one who makes you happy, and she is, then I don't know what the hell is going to keep you here now."
I stared at her, trying to figure out what to say to that. She thinks she doesn't make me happy? What the hell made her think that? Ever? I just... I love her. I know it. I wouldn't be here if I didn't love her.
"I give up."
"I can't..." I sighed. "I can't believe you." I really can't. She's just absolutely fucking insane, and I have no idea what the hell to say that would make her think otherwise. I don't actually feel angry anymore. I just don't get it.
"This is bullshit, you know that?"
I shook my head, and then looked at the door, and back to Carly. I don't see the fucking choice here. There isn't one. I want to be here. With my girlfriend and my daughter. And all this crap that she's thinking that isn't even true... I don't even know what to say to that. That's just bullshit.
"So what do you want me to do, since you've obviously got everything all figured out?"
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I can't believe me either. I was so happy to have Sam home again. A week away from him was almost too much for me. Without Jake, I know it would have been. The last thing I want is for us to not be together. But he didn't know the whole truth before, he does now.
I can understand why Sam thinks I don't know what I'm talking about. I never saw them together. He didn't give me any opportunities to figure out how deep it went with them. He just shut it out the way he does when he talks about his father. Sam would never intentionally hurt someone, but he feels responsible for what happened to her. Natasha. A person he loved. And maybe by letting him think she was dead, Natasha reached him on some level I'll never be at. One I'd never want to be at, because it would mean I was dead, or presumed dead, and just...away from him and Jules.
She's still there though, and the fact that she survived makes her just...I can't compete with that.
"This is bullshit, you know that?"
"I don't know much of anything right now." I admitted, looking down so that I wouldn't have to make eye contact. Maybe if I thought about this more I'd change my mind, focus on trying to fight for Sam instead of cutting him loose so soon. I'll probably really regret this soon, especially if things go the other way and I end up alone.
It still feels like this conversation has to happen. That's all I can work with right now.
"So what do you want me to do, since you've obviously got everything all figured out?"
"I do not have...do you think I'm looking for an excuse to get rid of you or something? I'm trying really hard to do the right thing here."
He really doesn't get it.
"You know how much I love you."
And if he doesn't, he should.
"What do you want to do about this?"
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"I don't know, are you?" That's what it looks like to me.
"I'm trying really hard to do the right thing here."
"And this is the right thing?" She's telling me to leave. To go find out if Natasha's the one I want. I know which one I fucking want, damn it. This is such crap. I don't see how this could ever be the right thing.
"You know how much I love you."
"Then why the hell are you doing this?" It's a valid damned question. I deserve an actual answer that doesn't sound fucking crazy. At least, that's what I think.
"What do you want to do about this?"
"I want to go talk with Natasha for an hour, find out what happened, send her on her merry fucking way, and then move on with my life." I said, glaring at her. "I don't want you to keep thinking that somehow I don't want to be here. That's what I want done."
... I think I'm going to fucking strangle her.
"Carly, come on." I sighed. "You can't possibly fucking believe this bullshit is the right way to do it."
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"I'm doing it for us."
For him, mostly. But in a way, it's for me too. If Sam can take time away from me, have his chance with the one he thought he lost, and still wants to come back home after that, then nothing is going to be able to touch us again. I think. And I hope to God that I'm right about this, and that we somehow manage to come out stronger for it. Closer for it.
I could really end up alone this time. He could realize what a mess I am and just...he could say I pushed him away. I know that's what it looks like I'm doing. I also know that there's no other way to do this than to give him some space and wait. I'm always the first to doubt our relationship. For once, I need to believe that he's going to come back to me instead of picking Natasha.
I don't think I'll be able to get past my fears unless I know he's had time to reconsider. It's sick, and wrong, and it goes against everything that I want for my life, but that's never stopped me before.
I have everything I want. Everything. I should tell Sam I'm sorry for starting trouble and go to bed.
"I want to go talk with Natasha for an hour, find out what happened, send her on her merry fucking way, and then move on with my life. I don't want you to keep thinking that somehow I don't want to be here. That's what I want done."
"What if this is the only way to get me over it?"
"Carly, come on. You can't possibly fucking believe this bullshit is the right way to do it."
I wasn't sure if there were tears, but I rubbed my eyes anyway. Once that dam breaks, he's going to think I really have lost it,that I don't know what I'm doing, and that I'm just insecure and afraid and have no clue as to what I'm talking about.
Sam would probably be right.
"I..."
I can't do this. These aren't words I want to say. And I won't. I can't. I didn't mean to take it this far.
"I think we should take a break for a while. It might be good for us."
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Here it comes. I can see it. She's going to cry any second and drop the whole thing, or she's going to tell me to get the fuck out. I don't like either one, because I can't fix it.
I know I can't. I think I want to kill her over it. Even though I'd never hurt her, that doesn't mean I don't want to over this insanity.
Forget that, I want to blow something up. I want to torch something. And I still don't think I'd feel better. But it'd help.
"I think we should take a break for a while. It might be good for us."
She's dumping me. It's offical. 'Taking a break' is bullshit, anyone who's ever done a remotely serious realtionship knows that. This is dumping me at it's fucking finest too, considering we have a God damn daughter.
I stared at her, letting what she just said set in. "Take a break." I think I sound as pissed as I am. At least I'm not yelling. But the room is heating up, and I need to leave. That works, considering that's what she wants. She's dumping me.
I looked at the ground since I didn't want her in my line of fire, and took a slow breath, making things around me normal again. Just like I was taught. Or some kind of normal. I can't believe this bullshit. I just can't.
Finally looking back at her, I nodded. "Fine. If that's what you want." I want to scream at her. I really want to hurt her. And I think now's the time to go.
"I'll be back for my stuff later." I grabbed my cellphone and my keys, dropping them in my pockets. I know when she won't be around, that's when I'll be in. "You let me know if you suddenly happen to change your mind and stop being so fucking insane."
I walked out the door, and slammed it behind me. It didn't help at all, but it's the usual thing I do when I leave here pissed. And I'm definitely pissed. "Damn it." I said under my breath, and finally looked back to Natasha.
"Oh God Sam, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen."
I tried forcing a smile, and it didn't work. "It's fine." It really isn't, but it's not exactly her fault. It's my girlfriend's fault. The one I'm 'on a break' with.
"Let's get out of here love."
"Yeah."
I walked down the stairs, keeping myself in check as we took her car, driving away.
"It's going to be alright."
"Not now, okay?"
"Sure, alright."
I stared out the window, trying to figure out how I was going to fix this. Or maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it should be up to her. Because this sure as hell isn't my mistake. It's hers.
She'll get that. Eventually.
I hope.
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