"Alright." I sighed, ducking as Julia spit her spaghetti back in my direction. Technically, this should be the other way around. I'm the one who knows how to cook, Sam's great at getting Julia to eat.
But I offered, because I was so busy trying to avoid Alex and Madsen that it seemed like a good idea. Feeding a kid isn't supposed to be this difficult. I know she likes it, she eats it all the time for Sam.
She just likes me to wear it sometimes. That's all.
I looked up when I heard the door, and stood, ready to go and answer so that I could get away from my thirteen month old terror, when Sam spoke up first.
"I'll get it."
Damn you.
Stop giggling Julia, my personal hell isn't funny.
"Okay."
I kneeled down in front of the high chair again, grabbing a fabric napkin off of the table to use as a shield. Now that Daddy is home, Julia knows she doesn't have to be good for Mommy anymore. And she's taking advantage, damn it.
"No no!"
Julia covered her mouth with her right hand and pushed the bowl away with her left, and I knew there was no chance of me getting her to eat anymore. She almost finished, and most of what she didnt ended up down my shirt, so I think we're good for now. I wiped off her face and picked her up, heading into the living room to see who was at the door.
...
Excuse me?
Why does the trampy blonde have her tongue down my boyfriend's throat?
I pulled Julia closer, hoping she was too young to understand what was going on, and I think I would have said something...if there were...words for what I was seeing.
Which was basically my boyfriend kissing, and looking really goddamn awed, by someone else.
Is this a leftover slut from the Bahamas or something?
Can I kill her?
"What... What're you... How're you here?"
Why isn't he telling her that was bad?
"That's funny, I'd settle for knowing who the fuck she is."
I glared at Sam, got up the courage to move closer to the two of them, and looked over at the slut.
"That's funny, I'd settle for knowing who the fuck she is."
Shit. Great.
I looked over at Carly, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to explain all this. I really didn't know how, I didn't even know how she was here yet. And naturally, she looks pissed. Even though Natasha kissed me, and it's not like I kissed back, I'm going to be owning this for weeks. Because that's how it works.
Great. Freakin' wonderful.
"Carly, this is..."
"Natasha. Natasha Saunders."
I almost wish she didn't have the accent that I liked so much before, because I know that's going to piss Carly off twice as much. And I wish, sort of, that I hadn't told Carly about her in the first place.
Because the look on her face means I'm dead.
And I really don't like having to own something that's not my freakin' fault in the first place. Especially since this is all going down with my daughter in the room.
I should make sure she gets out of here soon, I don't want Julia hearing all of this.
Natasha? The dead one? I must have misheard her, it can't be the dead one. The dead one wouldn't be alive. That's why she's the dead one. And also why Sam always acted guilty whenever he talked about certain parts of his trip; when I could get him to talk about it at all. I never wanted to push, he seemed too hurt by everything that went down. Since I couldn't make it better for him, I resolved not to make it worse, and let it go.
"Oh. You're supposed to be dead."
Did that come out a little rude? I couldn't care less at the moment. My boyfriend's looking at her like she's some kind of attractive ghost, and her voice alone is pissing me off.
She's a blonde. Sam never told me she was a blonde. Or that she had an accent. He just...he made it sound like he really missed her. And everytime he refers to coming back here, he says it's because the part had to end.
In a way, she's the party, and I'm the end of it, but it's not as over as he thought it was. As a matter of fact, it looks like the party is going pretty damn strong. Sounds like I don't count anymore. Because if it never ended he wouldn't have...and she's here for...
She's a blunt one. The infamous Carly. The one Sam was so broken over for so long, that I used to listen to stories about all the time when we met.
He always got this smile whenever he talked about her, it used to drive me insane until I realized I should just deal with it and not compete. But still, that's a bloody killer to a girl's ego.
"Yes, I'm aware of that." I said with a sigh, and then noticed the child in her arms. Oh no, there's a child? I just kissed a father? ... Maybe I'm lucky and... No, that's Sam's eyes. Forget it.
"I'm really very sorry, I had no idea, and I guess I got a little ahead of myself." I don't know what it is between the two of them currently, but it might be a good idea to find out.
"It's no problem."
That's the Sam I know, always trying to be nice to everyone involved. Which is going to piss Carly off a great deal more. "Yes it is." I looked back to Carly. "I really am sorry. That's a beautiful daughter you have. What's her name?" Is it wrong to be the tiniest bit jealous this girl got to have a baby with Sam, and I didn't?
Well, I guess not, considering everything. And I'm willing to bet you anything that he still hates himself for running. I can't blame him nescecarily, I would have too, and I have magic on my side, nevermind being a trained watcher.
"Julia."
"Pretty name." I smiled to Sam. "Listen, I was hoping we could talk." Just talk. Even with how much Carly's glaring at me. I'm here to figure things out with him, this only concerns her so far.
I hate to be a wanker about it, but that's the way. If there's nothing, I'll let him go, no trouble. But if there's something, I don't really intend to just walk away.
"I'm really very sorry, I had no idea, and I guess I got a little ahead of myself."
"It's no problem."
"Yes it is. I really am sorry. That's a beautiful daughter you have. What's her name?"
"Julia."
...What's going on here? Sam's acting like...like she has every right to be here saying these things and talking about my daughter and...why isn't it a problem for him? He has a girlfriend.
Me.
Only, it's not really me right now. Not really. If she was his girlfriend before she died, and then he came back to me, it works like a marriage. The current one is null and void, and the old one matters. So he's saying these things because she's here now, and that makes me...not really his girlfriend. I think. In some way.
My head hurts. A lot.
"Ma ma mama ma ma ma..."
"It's okay, Jules."
This woman needs to get out, right now. I don't care how she somehow managed to survive, or come back from the dead, or do whatever it is that she did to get where she is, but I want her gone. She shouldn't have just shown up expecting that Sam had waited for her after all of those years. He didn't. That's not how he is.
He moved on and he has a life with me. Like how he moved on after me with her, but in a more extreme, permanent way.
We're a family. The three of us. Sam wouldn't just forget about all of this because some dead girlfriend who happened to be his reason for coming back suddenly showed up alive. That's not him. He'd never risk hurting his family over someone else. Not even her.
"Listen, I was hoping we could talk."
"Sam."
Tell her to leave. For me. No, not just for me. For Julia too. Politely explain that you don't want what she's here to give you, and that it's over. Do it, and do it fast. Before you start to think about how your wonderful little tramp came back to you.
He's not saying anything.
Doesn't he understand how important this is? That I absolutely need him to do this for me? And how if he doesn't, this could change everything?
Come on, Sam.
I bit my lip to take my concentration off of the lump in my throat, and nodded to him, silently.
Great. Now what am I going to do? I want to go talk to her, find out what the hell happened at the very freakin' least, but... yeah. The look on Carly's face really does say it all.
I looked from one to the other, and then looked at Julia. I'm not going to kill all this for Natasha. I mean, I was pretty sure I loved her, but that was in the past. I just want to know what the hell happened. And, of course, what she's here for. That's important too. And just... I can't tell her to leave.
"Fine then. Have a party."
"Natasha, could you wait outside?" I looked back over to her, trying to make her get it. It didn't take too much, thankfully.
"Yes, of course, no trouble."
I waited until she was out in the hallway before I looked back to Carly. "It's just to talk. It doesn't mean anything." Or it shouldn't. I don't think it means nothing to her, but it shouldn't. I don't want to leave her. I just want to figure things out, especially since I was such a God damn coward then.
"I'll be back in an hour, tops." I sighed at the look on her face. "Carly, I'm serious. It doesn't mean anything. I'm not walking away from you just because she's here."
Why am I so surprised? I should have expected that, I mean, he always seemed to feel guilty about what happened, not to mention...what I'm not going to mention. If I start, I won't be able to stop. If I don't stop, I'm only making her look better. She's already being too good about this. Let them see that I can't take it, and Sam will regret his life even more. Assuming that blonde and understanding's reappearance means that he's regretting now.
"It's just to talk. It doesn't mean anything."
Bullshit. And he knows it too. Natasha didn't come here to talk to him. She could have done that on the phone. I think she stated her intentions pretty damn clearly when she walked in the door and shoved her tongue down his throat. This isn't about talking. At all.
"I'll be back in an hour, tops."
"Don't bother." I snapped, faster than I could think. Why the hell did I say that? I don't mean that. I don't want him to go at all, so of course I want him to come back. He knows that, doesn't he? Shouldn't he? I mean, if he doesn't know me by now...
Maybe he does. Maybe the problem is that he knows me too well.
"Carly, I'm serious. It doesn't mean anything. I'm not walking away from you just because she's here."
There's my answer. I need to stop jumping to conclusions.
"Look, I know you probably want to get this straightened out, but it's really hard for me because..."
She makes me feel like the winner by default. I could always block her out before, feel like I was still first. It never bothered me whether it was true or not, I knew she wouldn't be back to defend her title. And now that she's here, that's gone. Natasha considers Sam her boyfriend as much as I consider him mine, the kiss proved it all.
Oh god, I think I need to have some faith in him. It's now or never on that one. The damn trust thing is going to be mandatory for the next hour. While I sit and wait so that Sam can talk to his presumed dead ex girlfriend who he probably still loves, I have to believe him and leave it at that. He wants to be with me. He said that. He wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. He wants me, not her.
Okay...I think I have to try that.
But, wait.
Sam didn't say that, did he? He said he's not going to walk away from me and that it doesn't mean anything, when he knows it does. The word "want" hasn't been said at all. I can't just make assumptions with that word at the moment, when it could carry so much weight. All the weight. This should be about what he wants, not what he promised when he didn't know the whole deal.
Sam had a life with her that he chose, and a life with me that he stumbled onto. I don't blame him for saying he wouldn't walk away. Sam knows I'm not the only one who would be effected by that. He thinks he'd hurt Julia too. Maybe that somehow makes him feel obligated.
I don't know. I guess I just don't.
"Because it is." I finished, starting to get a little better at keeping it together.
"We both know that everything you have with me was accidental, starting from the night we ran into each other and leading up to...everthing."
I used to think it was destiny, like the slayer thing--only better. We found each other again because we were supposed to be together. We needed time to grow apart, and then when the time was right things fell back into place.
But maybe they didn't, or they're doing it again by giving him another reason to break up with me. Or none of it's planned, and it's all just happening as we go along, which would be okay if I didn't think Sam might not want to be with me as much as he thinks he does.
"I love you. There was never anyone else for me." I sighed, rubbed my eyes, and lifted Julia up a little higher so that she wouldn't keep fidgeting. "It didn't work that way for you, and now that you have the chance to-to explore that, maybe you should."
And then I can go find a nice cliff to jump off of. What the fuck do I think I'm doing here? It's not noble to push away the guy I love when he's saying he'll stay with me. It's stupid.
Really stupid.
But I think, after all of this time, I might owe it to him.
"Look, I know you probably want to get this straightened out, but it's really hard for me because..."
Because what?
I don't like where this is going. Not by the look on her face. She thinks there's more wrong here happening than there actually is, and I don't like that.
"Carly..."
"Because it is."
I watched her, trying to figure out where this was going. It can only go one way or the other, but I'm attempting to not think about the bad way.
"We both know that everything you have with me was accidental, starting from the night we ran into each other and leading up to... everthing."
You've got to be kidding me. Yeah, me running into her was an accident, but... I mean, I wanted to find her when I came back anyway. I figured destiny stepping in and bringing me to her no matter how freakin' petrified I was meant it was supposed to happen.
"I love you. There was never anyone else for me."
"You--"
"It didn't work that way for you, and now that you have the chance to-to explore that, maybe you should."
This is a joke, right? She's not actually doing what I think she's doing. Right? Not after I just told her I'm not walking away from her. She's not doing this. Especially with our freakin' daughter right here in the room.
This just...
"Are you telling me to leave?"
I don't get it. At all. Maybe I'm just not understanding the whole thing correctly. I really hope that's the case, it wouldn't be the first time.
I'm telling him to stay. I know I am. I mean, I can't even imagine what things would be like right now if he didn't come back to Los Angeles and find me, accident or not. I don't know where I'd be without him. I don't want Sam going anywhere. I would never tell him to do that. Ever.
So what I guess I'm really saying, is that I want him to stay with me for the right reasons. For his reasons. Not because he said he'd be with me. Or because he's afraid it would hurt Julia. Or out of habit or fear or whatever the hell else could be keeping him here besides how he feels about me.
I'd never try to take Julia out of his life, if that's what he's worried about...he wouldn't have to.
I just want to know if he loves me because he loves me, or if he loves me because I love him.
"Car, what the hell are you saying?"
He's mad at me for trying to be fair to him? I don't get how this is supposed to work. If I just demanded that he be back in forty five minutes and never gave him the opportunity to figure out what he wants, he'd end up angry at me for that in the long run. It would probably be the kind of angry thing that you don't talk about; where he'd just resent me and wish he'd picked the blonde, but sooner or later, I know it would happen. At least by doing this I'm choosing to give him some breathing room.
I don't think he ever wanted this much committment. I'm just trying to set things right for him.
"I'm saying that this might be the last chance you get to figure out which one of us you want to have a life with."
I must be really screwing things up now because Julia is quiet too. She can't know what's going on, she's too young to pick up any of this. But the way she's looking over at Sam and patting her hand against my hair makes me believe she knows we're not just having a normal talk.
I should put her in the other room, but I have a feeling this conversation won't last much longer.
Sam's hurt. I'm hurt. There's a woman waiting to steal my boyfriend and I'm ready to stand back and let her do it. No one needs to tell me that I shouldn't be doing this, I already know that.
I just...I want to know the truth this time. Me or the woman who ruined all the "fun" he was having in Europe. The one who drove him back to me.
Who knows what I'll do if he picks her. I didn't imagine it getting this far in a matter of minutes, but I don't want to continue a relationship with him if this is just going to shadow over us for the rest of our lives.
I want Sam to be with me. I'm not telling him to leave. I'm not saying he should pick Natasha.
But if he does, then I'll just...I'll feel like I never held him back. Not when we were younger, and not this time. And if it turns out that he does love me enough to pick me over her, then I swear, I'll stop.
Once and for all. I'll just let it all go. If it's me.
Sam thinks I don't know how to let go of anything. I don't. But I'm not eighteen years old anymore, and there's more at stake than my happiness. This time will be different.
"Alright." I sighed, ducking as Julia spit her spaghetti back in my direction. Technically, this should be the other way around. I'm the one who knows how to cook, Sam's great at getting Julia to eat.
But I offered, because I was so busy trying to avoid Alex and Madsen that it seemed like a good idea. Feeding a kid isn't supposed to be this difficult. I know she likes it, she eats it all the time for Sam.
She just likes me to wear it sometimes. That's all.
I looked up when I heard the door, and stood, ready to go and answer so that I could get away from my thirteen month old terror, when Sam spoke up first.
"I'll get it."
Damn you.
Stop giggling Julia, my personal hell isn't funny.
"Okay."
I kneeled down in front of the high chair again, grabbing a fabric napkin off of the table to use as a shield. Now that Daddy is home, Julia knows she doesn't have to be good for Mommy anymore. And she's taking advantage, damn it.
"No no!"
Julia covered her mouth with her right hand and pushed the bowl away with her left, and I knew there was no chance of me getting her to eat anymore. She almost finished, and most of what she didnt ended up down my shirt, so I think we're good for now. I wiped off her face and picked her up, heading into the living room to see who was at the door.
...
Excuse me?
Why does the trampy blonde have her tongue down my boyfriend's throat?
I pulled Julia closer, hoping she was too young to understand what was going on, and I think I would have said something...if there were...words for what I was seeing.
Which was basically my boyfriend kissing, and looking really goddamn awed, by someone else.
Is this a leftover slut from the Bahamas or something?
Can I kill her?
"What... What're you... How're you here?"
Why isn't he telling her that was bad?
"That's funny, I'd settle for knowing who the fuck she is."
I glared at Sam, got up the courage to move closer to the two of them, and looked over at the slut.
I'd like an explanation, right now.
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Shit. Great.
I looked over at Carly, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to explain all this. I really didn't know how, I didn't even know how she was here yet. And naturally, she looks pissed. Even though Natasha kissed me, and it's not like I kissed back, I'm going to be owning this for weeks. Because that's how it works.
Great. Freakin' wonderful.
"Carly, this is..."
"Natasha. Natasha Saunders."
I almost wish she didn't have the accent that I liked so much before, because I know that's going to piss Carly off twice as much. And I wish, sort of, that I hadn't told Carly about her in the first place.
Because the look on her face means I'm dead.
And I really don't like having to own something that's not my freakin' fault in the first place. Especially since this is all going down with my daughter in the room.
I should make sure she gets out of here soon, I don't want Julia hearing all of this.
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"Natasha. Natasha Saunders."
Natasha? The dead one? I must have misheard her, it can't be the dead one. The dead one wouldn't be alive. That's why she's the dead one. And also why Sam always acted guilty whenever he talked about certain parts of his trip; when I could get him to talk about it at all. I never wanted to push, he seemed too hurt by everything that went down. Since I couldn't make it better for him, I resolved not to make it worse, and let it go.
"Oh. You're supposed to be dead."
Did that come out a little rude? I couldn't care less at the moment. My boyfriend's looking at her like she's some kind of attractive ghost, and her voice alone is pissing me off.
She's a blonde. Sam never told me she was a blonde. Or that she had an accent. He just...he made it sound like he really missed her. And everytime he refers to coming back here, he says it's because the part had to end.
In a way, she's the party, and I'm the end of it, but it's not as over as he thought it was. As a matter of fact, it looks like the party is going pretty damn strong. Sounds like I don't count anymore. Because if it never ended he wouldn't have...and she's here for...
...Where does that leave us?
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She's a blunt one. The infamous Carly. The one Sam was so broken over for so long, that I used to listen to stories about all the time when we met.
He always got this smile whenever he talked about her, it used to drive me insane until I realized I should just deal with it and not compete. But still, that's a bloody killer to a girl's ego.
"Yes, I'm aware of that." I said with a sigh, and then noticed the child in her arms. Oh no, there's a child? I just kissed a father? ... Maybe I'm lucky and... No, that's Sam's eyes. Forget it.
"I'm really very sorry, I had no idea, and I guess I got a little ahead of myself." I don't know what it is between the two of them currently, but it might be a good idea to find out.
"It's no problem."
That's the Sam I know, always trying to be nice to everyone involved. Which is going to piss Carly off a great deal more. "Yes it is." I looked back to Carly. "I really am sorry. That's a beautiful daughter you have. What's her name?" Is it wrong to be the tiniest bit jealous this girl got to have a baby with Sam, and I didn't?
Well, I guess not, considering everything. And I'm willing to bet you anything that he still hates himself for running. I can't blame him nescecarily, I would have too, and I have magic on my side, nevermind being a trained watcher.
"Julia."
"Pretty name." I smiled to Sam. "Listen, I was hoping we could talk." Just talk. Even with how much Carly's glaring at me. I'm here to figure things out with him, this only concerns her so far.
I hate to be a wanker about it, but that's the way. If there's nothing, I'll let him go, no trouble. But if there's something, I don't really intend to just walk away.
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"I'm really very sorry, I had no idea, and I guess I got a little ahead of myself."
"It's no problem."
"Yes it is. I really am sorry. That's a beautiful daughter you have. What's her name?"
"Julia."
...What's going on here? Sam's acting like...like she has every right to be here saying these things and talking about my daughter and...why isn't it a problem for him? He has a girlfriend.
Me.
Only, it's not really me right now. Not really. If she was his girlfriend before she died, and then he came back to me, it works like a marriage. The current one is null and void, and the old one matters. So he's saying these things because she's here now, and that makes me...not really his girlfriend. I think. In some way.
My head hurts. A lot.
"Ma ma mama ma ma ma..."
"It's okay, Jules."
This woman needs to get out, right now. I don't care how she somehow managed to survive, or come back from the dead, or do whatever it is that she did to get where she is, but I want her gone. She shouldn't have just shown up expecting that Sam had waited for her after all of those years. He didn't. That's not how he is.
He moved on and he has a life with me. Like how he moved on after me with her, but in a more extreme, permanent way.
We're a family. The three of us. Sam wouldn't just forget about all of this because some dead girlfriend who happened to be his reason for coming back suddenly showed up alive. That's not him. He'd never risk hurting his family over someone else. Not even her.
"Listen, I was hoping we could talk."
"Sam."
Tell her to leave. For me. No, not just for me. For Julia too. Politely explain that you don't want what she's here to give you, and that it's over. Do it, and do it fast. Before you start to think about how your wonderful little tramp came back to you.
He's not saying anything.
Doesn't he understand how important this is? That I absolutely need him to do this for me? And how if he doesn't, this could change everything?
Come on, Sam.
I bit my lip to take my concentration off of the lump in my throat, and nodded to him, silently.
"Fine then. Have a party."
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"Sam."
Great. Now what am I going to do? I want to go talk to her, find out what the hell happened at the very freakin' least, but... yeah. The look on Carly's face really does say it all.
I looked from one to the other, and then looked at Julia. I'm not going to kill all this for Natasha. I mean, I was pretty sure I loved her, but that was in the past. I just want to know what the hell happened. And, of course, what she's here for. That's important too. And just... I can't tell her to leave.
"Fine then. Have a party."
"Natasha, could you wait outside?" I looked back over to her, trying to make her get it. It didn't take too much, thankfully.
"Yes, of course, no trouble."
I waited until she was out in the hallway before I looked back to Carly. "It's just to talk. It doesn't mean anything." Or it shouldn't. I don't think it means nothing to her, but it shouldn't. I don't want to leave her. I just want to figure things out, especially since I was such a God damn coward then.
"I'll be back in an hour, tops." I sighed at the look on her face. "Carly, I'm serious. It doesn't mean anything. I'm not walking away from you just because she's here."
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"Yes, of course, no trouble."
Why am I so surprised? I should have expected that, I mean, he always seemed to feel guilty about what happened, not to mention...what I'm not going to mention. If I start, I won't be able to stop. If I don't stop, I'm only making her look better. She's already being too good about this. Let them see that I can't take it, and Sam will regret his life even more. Assuming that blonde and understanding's reappearance means that he's regretting now.
"It's just to talk. It doesn't mean anything."
Bullshit. And he knows it too. Natasha didn't come here to talk to him. She could have done that on the phone. I think she stated her intentions pretty damn clearly when she walked in the door and shoved her tongue down his throat. This isn't about talking. At all.
"I'll be back in an hour, tops."
"Don't bother." I snapped, faster than I could think. Why the hell did I say that? I don't mean that. I don't want him to go at all, so of course I want him to come back. He knows that, doesn't he? Shouldn't he? I mean, if he doesn't know me by now...
Maybe he does. Maybe the problem is that he knows me too well.
"Carly, I'm serious. It doesn't mean anything. I'm not walking away from you just because she's here."
There's my answer. I need to stop jumping to conclusions.
"Look, I know you probably want to get this straightened out, but it's really hard for me because..."
She makes me feel like the winner by default. I could always block her out before, feel like I was still first. It never bothered me whether it was true or not, I knew she wouldn't be back to defend her title. And now that she's here, that's gone. Natasha considers Sam her boyfriend as much as I consider him mine, the kiss proved it all.
Oh god, I think I need to have some faith in him. It's now or never on that one. The damn trust thing is going to be mandatory for the next hour. While I sit and wait so that Sam can talk to his presumed dead ex girlfriend who he probably still loves, I have to believe him and leave it at that. He wants to be with me. He said that. He wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. He wants me, not her.
Okay...I think I have to try that.
But, wait.
Sam didn't say that, did he? He said he's not going to walk away from me and that it doesn't mean anything, when he knows it does. The word "want" hasn't been said at all. I can't just make assumptions with that word at the moment, when it could carry so much weight. All the weight. This should be about what he wants, not what he promised when he didn't know the whole deal.
Sam had a life with her that he chose, and a life with me that he stumbled onto. I don't blame him for saying he wouldn't walk away. Sam knows I'm not the only one who would be effected by that. He thinks he'd hurt Julia too. Maybe that somehow makes him feel obligated.
I don't know. I guess I just don't.
"Because it is." I finished, starting to get a little better at keeping it together.
"We both know that everything you have with me was accidental, starting from the night we ran into each other and leading up to...everthing."
I used to think it was destiny, like the slayer thing--only better. We found each other again because we were supposed to be together. We needed time to grow apart, and then when the time was right things fell back into place.
But maybe they didn't, or they're doing it again by giving him another reason to break up with me. Or none of it's planned, and it's all just happening as we go along, which would be okay if I didn't think Sam might not want to be with me as much as he thinks he does.
"I love you. There was never anyone else for me." I sighed, rubbed my eyes, and lifted Julia up a little higher so that she wouldn't keep fidgeting. "It didn't work that way for you, and now that you have the chance to-to explore that, maybe you should."
And then I can go find a nice cliff to jump off of. What the fuck do I think I'm doing here? It's not noble to push away the guy I love when he's saying he'll stay with me. It's stupid.
Really stupid.
But I think, after all of this time, I might owe it to him.
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Because what?
I don't like where this is going. Not by the look on her face. She thinks there's more wrong here happening than there actually is, and I don't like that.
"Carly..."
"Because it is."
I watched her, trying to figure out where this was going. It can only go one way or the other, but I'm attempting to not think about the bad way.
"We both know that everything you have with me was accidental, starting from the night we ran into each other and leading up to... everthing."
You've got to be kidding me. Yeah, me running into her was an accident, but... I mean, I wanted to find her when I came back anyway. I figured destiny stepping in and bringing me to her no matter how freakin' petrified I was meant it was supposed to happen.
"I love you. There was never anyone else for me."
"You--"
"It didn't work that way for you, and now that you have the chance to-to explore that, maybe you should."
This is a joke, right? She's not actually doing what I think she's doing. Right? Not after I just told her I'm not walking away from her. She's not doing this. Especially with our freakin' daughter right here in the room.
This just...
"Are you telling me to leave?"
I don't get it. At all. Maybe I'm just not understanding the whole thing correctly. I really hope that's the case, it wouldn't be the first time.
So maybe it's just one of those times.
"Car, what the hell are you saying?"
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"Sam, no."
I'm telling him to stay. I know I am. I mean, I can't even imagine what things would be like right now if he didn't come back to Los Angeles and find me, accident or not. I don't know where I'd be without him. I don't want Sam going anywhere. I would never tell him to do that. Ever.
So what I guess I'm really saying, is that I want him to stay with me for the right reasons. For his reasons. Not because he said he'd be with me. Or because he's afraid it would hurt Julia. Or out of habit or fear or whatever the hell else could be keeping him here besides how he feels about me.
I'd never try to take Julia out of his life, if that's what he's worried about...he wouldn't have to.
I just want to know if he loves me because he loves me, or if he loves me because I love him.
"Car, what the hell are you saying?"
He's mad at me for trying to be fair to him? I don't get how this is supposed to work. If I just demanded that he be back in forty five minutes and never gave him the opportunity to figure out what he wants, he'd end up angry at me for that in the long run. It would probably be the kind of angry thing that you don't talk about; where he'd just resent me and wish he'd picked the blonde, but sooner or later, I know it would happen. At least by doing this I'm choosing to give him some breathing room.
I don't think he ever wanted this much committment. I'm just trying to set things right for him.
"I'm saying that this might be the last chance you get to figure out which one of us you want to have a life with."
I must be really screwing things up now because Julia is quiet too. She can't know what's going on, she's too young to pick up any of this. But the way she's looking over at Sam and patting her hand against my hair makes me believe she knows we're not just having a normal talk.
I should put her in the other room, but I have a feeling this conversation won't last much longer.
Sam's hurt. I'm hurt. There's a woman waiting to steal my boyfriend and I'm ready to stand back and let her do it. No one needs to tell me that I shouldn't be doing this, I already know that.
I just...I want to know the truth this time. Me or the woman who ruined all the "fun" he was having in Europe. The one who drove him back to me.
Who knows what I'll do if he picks her. I didn't imagine it getting this far in a matter of minutes, but I don't want to continue a relationship with him if this is just going to shadow over us for the rest of our lives.
I want Sam to be with me. I'm not telling him to leave. I'm not saying he should pick Natasha.
But if he does, then I'll just...I'll feel like I never held him back. Not when we were younger, and not this time. And if it turns out that he does love me enough to pick me over her, then I swear, I'll stop.
Once and for all. I'll just let it all go. If it's me.
Sam thinks I don't know how to let go of anything. I don't. But I'm not eighteen years old anymore, and there's more at stake than my happiness. This time will be different.
But I really hope it's me.
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