so here i am...
So here I am. Back from the dead. Or so it seems.
It has been close on five months since I last updated here. So much has changed, but at the same time, nothing much has changed. I am still the same old me. I kidded myself into thinking that some of the drama I had experienced over the summer may have caused me to mature and learn some significant lessons in life. But no. They didn't. I'm still fucking up the same as always - I just think I'm finally doing it in a way that I can derive some form of enjoyment from [however fucked up and twisted a form that enjoyment may take].
I have missed livejournal. Alot. But certain circumstances prevented me from feeling able to post on here. Until now. I've missed the ranting, the reading up on other people's lives and thoughts, the communities - everything. So here I am. Back again.
I wouldn't be me if I didn't update with a rant, so here goes [nothing]:
Period. I haven't fully participated in it so far this year because up until last Friday I was working fulltime in addition to going to lectures etc. The whole place just seems so disorganised, everyone seems lazy and I see no incentive to work.
But what pisses me off more than the University itself is my behaviour. I am absolutely pathetic. I sit in seminar after seminar, lecture after lecture, without saying a word. Deep down inside I know that I am retarded, but I never feel that my opinion is good enough to be said outloud. So I keep quiet, and despair at the retardedness of some of my peers. But who am I to judge? I just sit there in complete silence. At least they make the effort.
Some people describe me asbeing the strong silent type. But now I've finally realised that most people infact think that I am dumb because I am so silent. Which is driving me crazy because I have all these opinions and points to make, but I don't have the confidence/self-esteem to voice them. So basically I am wasting my time here at University.
I give my peers and seminar tutors the impression that I am a dumbass by never contributing anything, then I go away and write supposedly brilliant essays that get me the top grade. And 9 times out of 10 these essays include explicit sexual content - sado/masochism, fucking a woman with a rake, drinking water that has had a bloodied tampon soaked in it, whippings and debasement etc etc....
So now one of my tutors is asking questions - and I guess this is what is pissing me off so much right now. She marked my essays on Bunuel's 'Belle de Jour' and Breillat's 'Anatomy of Hell' last year and she now takes my tutorials on Freud. She's been asking my friend A about me - saying how it doesn't make sense that I never speak in seminars and seem really shy and then go away and write this really sexually explicity essays. So now I'm paranoid that the department might start thinking that I am guilty of plagiarism and I feel under pressure to talk in seminars... which is perhaps a good thing.
But what does she expect me to talk about?!? Does she want me to talk about the content of my essays in tutorials? Because I'm not sure anybody wants to hear about that stuff.
When I tell people what I write my essays about - and what I wish to continue basing my essays upon - they almost always warn me that it will make people think that I am perverted or something. They said it that doing an essay on 'Anatomy of Hell' - a film banned in a dozen countries - was taking things too far. I always laughed at this. But now I see they were right all along. But on the other hand, why does this bother me? Surely the fact that I can approach such films from an academic and critical angle means that I am mature? Or just perverted?
I had planned to do as many essays as possible on the topics of female sexuality/sadomasochism in modern french cinema - and my dissertation too - but now I'm having doubts. I've started an essay doing a Freudian reading of Isabelle Huppert's character in Haneke's 'La Pianiste' for my Freud seminar - but I'm having doubts about it now. It would be the same person marking it who has been asking the questions about me.
I know that I am just being my usual paranoid self - driving myself crazy over nothing - and that it is pointless and pathetic. But I feel as though I need to speak to this woman - to defend/explain myself to her... Argh
It has been close on five months since I last updated here. So much has changed, but at the same time, nothing much has changed. I am still the same old me. I kidded myself into thinking that some of the drama I had experienced over the summer may have caused me to mature and learn some significant lessons in life. But no. They didn't. I'm still fucking up the same as always - I just think I'm finally doing it in a way that I can derive some form of enjoyment from [however fucked up and twisted a form that enjoyment may take].
I have missed livejournal. Alot. But certain circumstances prevented me from feeling able to post on here. Until now. I've missed the ranting, the reading up on other people's lives and thoughts, the communities - everything. So here I am. Back again.
I wouldn't be me if I didn't update with a rant, so here goes [nothing]:
Period. I haven't fully participated in it so far this year because up until last Friday I was working fulltime in addition to going to lectures etc. The whole place just seems so disorganised, everyone seems lazy and I see no incentive to work.
But what pisses me off more than the University itself is my behaviour. I am absolutely pathetic. I sit in seminar after seminar, lecture after lecture, without saying a word. Deep down inside I know that I am retarded, but I never feel that my opinion is good enough to be said outloud. So I keep quiet, and despair at the retardedness of some of my peers. But who am I to judge? I just sit there in complete silence. At least they make the effort.
Some people describe me asbeing the strong silent type. But now I've finally realised that most people infact think that I am dumb because I am so silent. Which is driving me crazy because I have all these opinions and points to make, but I don't have the confidence/self-esteem to voice them. So basically I am wasting my time here at University.
I give my peers and seminar tutors the impression that I am a dumbass by never contributing anything, then I go away and write supposedly brilliant essays that get me the top grade. And 9 times out of 10 these essays include explicit sexual content - sado/masochism, fucking a woman with a rake, drinking water that has had a bloodied tampon soaked in it, whippings and debasement etc etc....
So now one of my tutors is asking questions - and I guess this is what is pissing me off so much right now. She marked my essays on Bunuel's 'Belle de Jour' and Breillat's 'Anatomy of Hell' last year and she now takes my tutorials on Freud. She's been asking my friend A about me - saying how it doesn't make sense that I never speak in seminars and seem really shy and then go away and write this really sexually explicity essays. So now I'm paranoid that the department might start thinking that I am guilty of plagiarism and I feel under pressure to talk in seminars... which is perhaps a good thing.
But what does she expect me to talk about?!? Does she want me to talk about the content of my essays in tutorials? Because I'm not sure anybody wants to hear about that stuff.
When I tell people what I write my essays about - and what I wish to continue basing my essays upon - they almost always warn me that it will make people think that I am perverted or something. They said it that doing an essay on 'Anatomy of Hell' - a film banned in a dozen countries - was taking things too far. I always laughed at this. But now I see they were right all along. But on the other hand, why does this bother me? Surely the fact that I can approach such films from an academic and critical angle means that I am mature? Or just perverted?
I had planned to do as many essays as possible on the topics of female sexuality/sadomasochism in modern french cinema - and my dissertation too - but now I'm having doubts. I've started an essay doing a Freudian reading of Isabelle Huppert's character in Haneke's 'La Pianiste' for my Freud seminar - but I'm having doubts about it now. It would be the same person marking it who has been asking the questions about me.
I know that I am just being my usual paranoid self - driving myself crazy over nothing - and that it is pointless and pathetic. But I feel as though I need to speak to this woman - to defend/explain myself to her... Argh