I have not posted for a while...
The wheels in my head have been spinning lately and I finally feel like I'm getting on track. My last post was, well, quite existential (read: whiney) and I've found a newfound passion for life. Maybe it's just that for the first time in my life, I finally have direction. I think the reason I used to be so unsatisfied was because I wanted everything NOW, and had no patience to actually work to achieve my goals. I now a firmly employ the "one-day-at-a-time" motto, and am slowly realizing that setting smaller goals will eventually pave the way to reaching the bigger picture. I've been reading this book for my Philosophy class called the Life of B and in it, B describes his attempt to alter human consciousness as a mosaic, with each lesson being a piece of glass pertaining to a certain part of the bigger picture. At first, the mosaic is an ambiguous mess with no clear end in sight, but as you begin to put the pieces together, the picture eventually becomes a beautiful masterpiece. This explanation spoke loudly to me because all the situations in my life that I had deemed "unfair" or "unnecessary" I now realize are actually just shaping me as a person. I need to stop playing the victim, because while life is hard, it's also extremely fulfilling. Arguably one of the most fulfilling things you can do, other than perhaps dying. I feel as if I've reached this level of transcendence, where I can just take things as they come and not have to spend my life in a constant state of panic. I let fear and anger dictate my life for a very, very long time and I am happy to say that I am ready to let go. I was never able to let anyone in because I always thought that I needed to be fixed. I now realize that I was never really broken. This idea has been pivotal to my newfound joy, because I am no longer hung up on what's wrong with me and have shifted that focus to just being a better person.
I think this change is different because I am not hung up on how long it will last. I am changing as a person, I am becoming more mature and I'm learning not to sweat the small stuff. A year ago, I could barely drive myself to school because I was constantly paralyzed with fear. I couldn't function because I wasn't acting like a person, and I wasn't acting like a person because I couldn't function. I am now ready to take responsibility for myself and deal with all the consequences. I want to be unforgivingly me. I have learned to embrace my quirks and faults, even if I'm the only one doing so. I think most importantly, I'm learning how to live WITH my anxiety, as opposed to letting it govern me. I used to think anxiety was a curse, and allowed it to take a huge toll on my life. My anxiety used to dictate my actions and relationships, which consequently made me feel absolutely miserable. I used my anxiety as an excuse to not pursue things I love, be happy with the people I care about or just live in general. I am learning what it means to be happy. I am learning what it's like to not be sad all. the. time. I am learning how to love myself even if I'm not be the best all the time. I am sure retrospectively this post will likely be the cheesiest one in all history, but I am also determined not to leave things on a bad note. I think the biggest indicator that I have taken a step in the right direction is how I say goodbye to people. The old me, the one who allowed her vices, namely anxiety, to dictate her actions, would always bid farewell with a very melancholy "Don't die!", until a really good friend of mine pointed out how fatalistic that was. If tragedy were to strike, would I really want the last words I say to a person I truly care about to be so intensely despondent? Obviously, the answer is no. It was at that exact moment that I gained perspective. I had spent so much time dwelling on the past and worrying about the future that I couldn't just enjoy the things I had right in front of me. I now leave things on a more positive note by telling them that I love them, which serves as a reminder of how much they mean to me and hopefully how much I mean to them. I know I am doing better because I am taking proactive measures to BE better. And while I know it will take a long time to unweave the web I spun myself into, I am wholly determined to make every step in the right direction count.
I think this change is different because I am not hung up on how long it will last. I am changing as a person, I am becoming more mature and I'm learning not to sweat the small stuff. A year ago, I could barely drive myself to school because I was constantly paralyzed with fear. I couldn't function because I wasn't acting like a person, and I wasn't acting like a person because I couldn't function. I am now ready to take responsibility for myself and deal with all the consequences. I want to be unforgivingly me. I have learned to embrace my quirks and faults, even if I'm the only one doing so. I think most importantly, I'm learning how to live WITH my anxiety, as opposed to letting it govern me. I used to think anxiety was a curse, and allowed it to take a huge toll on my life. My anxiety used to dictate my actions and relationships, which consequently made me feel absolutely miserable. I used my anxiety as an excuse to not pursue things I love, be happy with the people I care about or just live in general. I am learning what it means to be happy. I am learning what it's like to not be sad all. the. time. I am learning how to love myself even if I'm not be the best all the time. I am sure retrospectively this post will likely be the cheesiest one in all history, but I am also determined not to leave things on a bad note. I think the biggest indicator that I have taken a step in the right direction is how I say goodbye to people. The old me, the one who allowed her vices, namely anxiety, to dictate her actions, would always bid farewell with a very melancholy "Don't die!", until a really good friend of mine pointed out how fatalistic that was. If tragedy were to strike, would I really want the last words I say to a person I truly care about to be so intensely despondent? Obviously, the answer is no. It was at that exact moment that I gained perspective. I had spent so much time dwelling on the past and worrying about the future that I couldn't just enjoy the things I had right in front of me. I now leave things on a more positive note by telling them that I love them, which serves as a reminder of how much they mean to me and hopefully how much I mean to them. I know I am doing better because I am taking proactive measures to BE better. And while I know it will take a long time to unweave the web I spun myself into, I am wholly determined to make every step in the right direction count.