lust often love always
I need an outlet. The past week has probably been one of the best weeks of my life. So, what happened was, Nick and Bill decided to go camping for a week, then me, Theresa, Jessica, and Marco were going to follow them. They ended up not staying in Yosemite because it was too goddam hot. We met them up in Santa Cruz last Friday. We stayed in Santa Cruz for the night, and we made our way up to Russian River. I found a campsite there, and this is where the fun begins. We get up there, and of course we're smoking the entire way up there. We finally settle camp, and smoke some more and pop a few. The rest of it was a blur. There was a lot of swimming. A lot of relaxing. A lot of sleeping. But the one most unforgettable night was the night before I left. You see, we were under the impression that four ounces of weed would be enough. Oh how wrong we were. So, on Tuesday, we went up to the city and bought six eighths of weed, a gram of coke, and ten pills of e. Marco and I popped two on the ride there, and we were reallllyy feeling it. All we could do was say "thizz is really what it is". And of course by the time we got back to the Russian River, we were almost out of pot. This was also the night I tried coke for the first time. After an enormous amount of drugs, me Marco and Nick sat around talking for god knows how long. We just couldn't move. It was sort of like we were under water. Then we all "went to bed" [going to bed on coke.. haha right!] At like four in the morning, Nick wakes me up and says come on lets go. So, we walk up the road, and we lay down in the middle of the payment. There are trees everywhere, and you can see a little patch of sky, which was illuminated with the brightest stars ever. As long as I live, I will never forget those stars. You know the kind you see when there are no streetlights an it's just straight up sky? It was amazing. I don't really remember what was said, just that we smoked some more pot. Then we layed down and for about an hour I looked up at the stars. This all sounds so trivial when written down, but it's the feeling, not the memory. The next day, Britney, Andrew, Lionel and Nyki came up, and I spent some time with those kids. I had not seen them in so long. I missed them a lot. Then I went back to camp and we just sat around and talked. We all fell asleep at like 9 due to lack of sleep the previous night. The next day Bill and I packed up and left. We were riding in the car, listening to the Ataris [which always reminds me of El Paso, and St Louis]. I just got this feeling that nothing will ever be that good again. I know I'll probably never be able to spend quality time with Theresa, Nick, Bill, Marco and Jessica like that ever again. It was all so depressing that this great thing had to come to an end. I got this infinite feeling of happiness, and I never wanted it to end. I almost wanted to go home and kill myself because I know things could probably never be that good again. That night, I went to Danny's goodbye dinner. It was so nice to be around people who love me, and who have seen me grow up from kindergarten to now. The gang was all there. It was Jessica, Alyssa, Britney, Andrew, Anjew, Joey, Shaun, Ryan Kelly, and Donn and all of their families. I will never forget how Ken and Kathy greeted me. I will also never forget how after Nana's funeral, Kathy came up to me and started to cry and told us how much it meant to her to have me and Jess there. Nana's funeral was the only funeral I cried at. Nan had seen me grow up. She was the sweetest woman alive. I love her to death.
I digress.
The dinner went fabulously. We spent the entire time reminscing on past mission trips, and the OLM days. Then the fun came. We had a roast. You know, one of those Comedy Central roasts where we all make fun of the guest of honor. So everyone EXCEPT JESS came up and said a little bit about Danny, and how he had touched our lives. I honestly cannot believe he is leaving for San Diego on Monday. Danny is leaving on Monday. It's unfathomable. I've known Danny since I was in 6th grade. He's seen me grow up. He's seen me change. He's not only been there for me when I was going through hard times, but every single person that was in Joey's house on Thursday. I know it won't be the last time I ever see Danny, but it just makes it that much hard to see him leave. He was like the male figure in our lives, even if we already had one. I obviously didn't. Danny gave me advice, he was there for me. I love Danny with my entire being. As I said at the roast, Danny is our Feenie. If our life was Boy Meets World, Danny would be our Feenie. If I could have it my way, Danny, Nick, Chris and Ben would never move away. But alas, they are. I don't really know if any of those guys knows how much they mean to me. I've never had a father figure in my life. I've had a father, but not the kind that protects you, or even cares about you. I've had to find my own sort of father figures. Danny is my father figure in the sense that he gives me advice. He cares about me and all of the OLM youth group. He goes out on limbs for us, he covers for us. He just flat out loves us. I don't really know what it's going to be like when he's gone. But I know he'll "do good". [not well!] And Nick. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time coping with Nick going away. I geniunely care about Nick. I know he's going to do great things. Honestly, when I first met Nick, I was intimidated as fuck. He stood up to speak at JSA, and I was like "wow, this guy must be the cockiest asshole on the face of the planet". But he's one of the best guys in the world. I don't really spend much time with him, or talk to him as much as I used to, but I will miss that kid. A lot. And Christian leaving. Well that.. I don't even know what to say about that. I never ever wanted my brother to move to Boston. Never ever ever. But he is. He's going to Boston, and he's going to kick ass and take names. I just am going to miss hanging out with him. I'm going to miss watching tv on seperate couches and fighting over which one gets the big couch. I'm going to miss how he got my jokes when I was teasing mom. That's one of the hardest things for me I guess. It's a big change, Chris going to college. Huge, actually. And Benhameeen going to college. Even if it's just in Berkeley. Maaaaan, who's going to drive me and lindsey everywhere?! hahah. Who's going to introduce me to Patrick Neihmyer because I'm convinced I'm going to marry that motherfucker.
A lot of changes have been happening lately. After going out for a year, Casey and I broke up. At first I was devastated. Now, I'm transcending. I knew it wouldn't last forever. I just thought we could always work it out because we were so madly in love. But life doesn't work like that. If there is one thing I learned from Casey and my relationship, it is that love does not conquer all. No matter how much Casey loved me, he just could not be with me. He wanted me to get better. But he thought getting better was me taking medication and going to therapists and psychiatrists. But that is not the case at all. My getting better is based on me learning how to cope with my problems. I need to learn how to cope before I can be in any sort of relationship. I also have to learn how to be less emotional and more objective. I know I'm on the right path, but I also know it's going to take a lot of work. For a long time I was ashamed of my suicide attempt. But I now know that is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone hits their low points. Everyone hates life. But I've learned not to take living for granted. Not to let that black wave of depression come over me and take control. I also know that being heavily medicated to the point where you are completely and totally indifferent to everything is not the right way to go. I need to feel the highs of life. I also need to feel the lows. Being sad is a part of living. But you have to work to be happy. The one thing I want to do with my life is not just to be happy, because happiness is relative. I want to spread joy. I am just human being and I am constantly learning. I'm glad I now have an outlet.
pfn
claire
I digress.
The dinner went fabulously. We spent the entire time reminscing on past mission trips, and the OLM days. Then the fun came. We had a roast. You know, one of those Comedy Central roasts where we all make fun of the guest of honor. So everyone EXCEPT JESS came up and said a little bit about Danny, and how he had touched our lives. I honestly cannot believe he is leaving for San Diego on Monday. Danny is leaving on Monday. It's unfathomable. I've known Danny since I was in 6th grade. He's seen me grow up. He's seen me change. He's not only been there for me when I was going through hard times, but every single person that was in Joey's house on Thursday. I know it won't be the last time I ever see Danny, but it just makes it that much hard to see him leave. He was like the male figure in our lives, even if we already had one. I obviously didn't. Danny gave me advice, he was there for me. I love Danny with my entire being. As I said at the roast, Danny is our Feenie. If our life was Boy Meets World, Danny would be our Feenie. If I could have it my way, Danny, Nick, Chris and Ben would never move away. But alas, they are. I don't really know if any of those guys knows how much they mean to me. I've never had a father figure in my life. I've had a father, but not the kind that protects you, or even cares about you. I've had to find my own sort of father figures. Danny is my father figure in the sense that he gives me advice. He cares about me and all of the OLM youth group. He goes out on limbs for us, he covers for us. He just flat out loves us. I don't really know what it's going to be like when he's gone. But I know he'll "do good". [not well!] And Nick. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time coping with Nick going away. I geniunely care about Nick. I know he's going to do great things. Honestly, when I first met Nick, I was intimidated as fuck. He stood up to speak at JSA, and I was like "wow, this guy must be the cockiest asshole on the face of the planet". But he's one of the best guys in the world. I don't really spend much time with him, or talk to him as much as I used to, but I will miss that kid. A lot. And Christian leaving. Well that.. I don't even know what to say about that. I never ever wanted my brother to move to Boston. Never ever ever. But he is. He's going to Boston, and he's going to kick ass and take names. I just am going to miss hanging out with him. I'm going to miss watching tv on seperate couches and fighting over which one gets the big couch. I'm going to miss how he got my jokes when I was teasing mom. That's one of the hardest things for me I guess. It's a big change, Chris going to college. Huge, actually. And Benhameeen going to college. Even if it's just in Berkeley. Maaaaan, who's going to drive me and lindsey everywhere?! hahah. Who's going to introduce me to Patrick Neihmyer because I'm convinced I'm going to marry that motherfucker.
A lot of changes have been happening lately. After going out for a year, Casey and I broke up. At first I was devastated. Now, I'm transcending. I knew it wouldn't last forever. I just thought we could always work it out because we were so madly in love. But life doesn't work like that. If there is one thing I learned from Casey and my relationship, it is that love does not conquer all. No matter how much Casey loved me, he just could not be with me. He wanted me to get better. But he thought getting better was me taking medication and going to therapists and psychiatrists. But that is not the case at all. My getting better is based on me learning how to cope with my problems. I need to learn how to cope before I can be in any sort of relationship. I also have to learn how to be less emotional and more objective. I know I'm on the right path, but I also know it's going to take a lot of work. For a long time I was ashamed of my suicide attempt. But I now know that is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone hits their low points. Everyone hates life. But I've learned not to take living for granted. Not to let that black wave of depression come over me and take control. I also know that being heavily medicated to the point where you are completely and totally indifferent to everything is not the right way to go. I need to feel the highs of life. I also need to feel the lows. Being sad is a part of living. But you have to work to be happy. The one thing I want to do with my life is not just to be happy, because happiness is relative. I want to spread joy. I am just human being and I am constantly learning. I'm glad I now have an outlet.
pfn
claire