(no subject)
I think I should actually start keeping a journal again. I used to keep one religiously. I had a UJournal, then I transfered to Xanga, and now I have a Livejournal. La dee da.
So, life has been pretty alright so far. Actually, scratch that. Life is pretty shit. My grades are slipping. Have a shitload of C's and 2 D's. My mom and dad are getting a divorce. My dad's moving out in about two weeks. I barely talk to KC anymore, and I have no idea why. Is it because we have nothing to talk about, or is it because we never had anything to talk about in the first place? Almost everything is crap. But have you noticed that whenever everything falls apart, something good happens and it makes you sane again. Well, that's what happened =P I'm happy, now. It's a good thing.
Lately, not much has been happening. Been hanging out with Lindsey and Grant. Nothing special. Just chillinillen and whatnot. It's sad, though because me and Jess are drifting. :( I miss you, chicka. Like, last Friday we were all at Youth Ministry, and she was hella avoiding me. Not avoiding, but we weren't hanging out. I had a good talk with Mandie and Ernie, though. I was surprised, because usually I'd shut Ernie out because I'm annoyed by him, but I let him in, in our conversation, and he listened and he IMed me that night and said that he was glad that someone felt the same way he did.
I feel so empty. I feel as though there's nothing to live for. Like, I miss the days when living wasn't a chore. When things were actually good. I wish I could go back to the days that things made me happy. Like, just hanging out with friends made me happy. It's so weird because nothing is satisfying. Nothing is fulfilling anymore. I don't know if this is something I can get used to, or something I can change, but it is something. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of caring. I never thought I'd be one of those people that'd be okay with dying right now because nothing seems worth it. I know that sounds so depressing, but it's just how I'm feeling. I hope it passes. I'm sure it will. I'm praying it will, so I can regain my sanity. I'm just talking. I haven't talked about how I felt in so long. Partially because when I tell someone how I feel, all they do is look at me and say "I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say". And I really want to find that one person that does know what to say.
And then there's this whole inner conflict I've been going through. Is love progessive or initial? Does love blossom, or is it an instant spark between two people? I'm pretty sure it's the former, but it's just something that's been going through my head. I'm almost positive that if something was so initial, that it's also very superficial. Love takes time. So does everything in life.
I hate how almost every relationship I've had in my life has never remained constant. Like, I can be bestest friends with a person one day, and not speak to them at all the next. I guess there are signs. There always are. Maybe I just failed to see them. The Ronald thing. The Robbie thing. Almost every relationship in my life has just gone to hell because.. well, I don't know why. It's pretty lame. Oh fucking well.
So, this weekend was pretty interesting. Friday I met up with Grant at Stonestown and I ate lunch and he chilled. We walked around and decided that Stonestown wasn't cool enough for us so we drove around for a bit and parked at Lake Merced. I was so out of it cuz I was sick and mucho sleepy, so we just curled up in his backseat and took a nap. Haha, how romantic. He snores =P And then we woke up and he looked at me and was like "Ice cream" and I just smiled and said "You know me all too well" so we went to Baskin Robins and we ate and I went to Walgreen's and got bobbi pins and cough drops. Then he dropped me off at OLM cuz I didn't feel like going home and I hung out with Danny and all the Jr. High kids until Mandie came and we talked a bunch. Then Jess came and Ernie and Alyssa and Val and Scott. We all just kind of chilled until about 8:30 and then we had this discussion on the bible. Basically bashing it and stuff. However, Danny's a cool guy and just wants us to find ourselves, whether it be in the Catholic Church or not. So, I was going to have Danny drive me to the Blind Issues show at 10, but I was tired/sick and wanted to go home. So, I got home, went online, Grant IMed me and said he would love to talk but he was tired like a mofo, so I chatted with Lindsey and Greg and then got tired and crawled into bed and dozed off.
Then on Saturday, I wake up to a lovely phone call from my dearest Lindsey who says "I'm five minutes away" so I go downstairs and go into the garage and tell my dad and mom that Lindsey was coming in five minutes. Then my dad drove me and Lindsey to the zoo after I got ready and whatnot. We chilled and Sean met us up there but he went off and hung out with Bart. Then we saw them outside of the zoo and we said hey and they squirted me and Lindsey with a water bottle, so we were like "Um, fuck you" so we took the bus to Stonestown and "shopped" and then we went back to Lindsey's house with some Japanese food, The Notebook and Without a Paddle while everyone was at Janel and Heather's party. Um, you go girl? So then we fell asleep and I was all situated and then all of a sudden I hear 96 Quite Bitter Things and I'm like "Oh my God, it's fucking 12:30, Grant". Haha. So, then I get off the phone with him cuz Lindsey's pissed off and then I CAN'T SLEEP! Like a bitch I can't. So, I FINALLY get to sleep and when I wake up, it's fucking 9 o'clock. Whatever. So, I jump in the shower and then I call around for the directions to the place where the parents meeting is being held. So, my mom and I go, yada yada yada. Then they leave and shit, and then we eat and practice. The practice kind of sucked, but I don't care. Then my dad picked me up, went to Ranch 99 got food and whatnot and then get home, and get a call from Lindsey who said she's been locked out of her house all day. Hahaha, sucks. Then I attempt to do my vocab. Haha, yeah right. Then I watch some of the Oscars, and am basically online all day. Pretty fun Sunday.
So, we have a four day weekend coming up, so on Wednesday, me and Lindsey are going to the city and getting our make up done then going to Pier 39 and going back to that house o' wax cuz we can. Yesss! I wanted to go downtown and get all dressed up, but whatever. Save that for another night :D
So, life has been pretty alright so far. Actually, scratch that. Life is pretty shit. My grades are slipping. Have a shitload of C's and 2 D's. My mom and dad are getting a divorce. My dad's moving out in about two weeks. I barely talk to KC anymore, and I have no idea why. Is it because we have nothing to talk about, or is it because we never had anything to talk about in the first place? Almost everything is crap. But have you noticed that whenever everything falls apart, something good happens and it makes you sane again. Well, that's what happened =P I'm happy, now. It's a good thing.
Lately, not much has been happening. Been hanging out with Lindsey and Grant. Nothing special. Just chillinillen and whatnot. It's sad, though because me and Jess are drifting. :( I miss you, chicka. Like, last Friday we were all at Youth Ministry, and she was hella avoiding me. Not avoiding, but we weren't hanging out. I had a good talk with Mandie and Ernie, though. I was surprised, because usually I'd shut Ernie out because I'm annoyed by him, but I let him in, in our conversation, and he listened and he IMed me that night and said that he was glad that someone felt the same way he did.
I feel so empty. I feel as though there's nothing to live for. Like, I miss the days when living wasn't a chore. When things were actually good. I wish I could go back to the days that things made me happy. Like, just hanging out with friends made me happy. It's so weird because nothing is satisfying. Nothing is fulfilling anymore. I don't know if this is something I can get used to, or something I can change, but it is something. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of caring. I never thought I'd be one of those people that'd be okay with dying right now because nothing seems worth it. I know that sounds so depressing, but it's just how I'm feeling. I hope it passes. I'm sure it will. I'm praying it will, so I can regain my sanity. I'm just talking. I haven't talked about how I felt in so long. Partially because when I tell someone how I feel, all they do is look at me and say "I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say". And I really want to find that one person that does know what to say.
And then there's this whole inner conflict I've been going through. Is love progessive or initial? Does love blossom, or is it an instant spark between two people? I'm pretty sure it's the former, but it's just something that's been going through my head. I'm almost positive that if something was so initial, that it's also very superficial. Love takes time. So does everything in life.
I hate how almost every relationship I've had in my life has never remained constant. Like, I can be bestest friends with a person one day, and not speak to them at all the next. I guess there are signs. There always are. Maybe I just failed to see them. The Ronald thing. The Robbie thing. Almost every relationship in my life has just gone to hell because.. well, I don't know why. It's pretty lame. Oh fucking well.
So, this weekend was pretty interesting. Friday I met up with Grant at Stonestown and I ate lunch and he chilled. We walked around and decided that Stonestown wasn't cool enough for us so we drove around for a bit and parked at Lake Merced. I was so out of it cuz I was sick and mucho sleepy, so we just curled up in his backseat and took a nap. Haha, how romantic. He snores =P And then we woke up and he looked at me and was like "Ice cream" and I just smiled and said "You know me all too well" so we went to Baskin Robins and we ate and I went to Walgreen's and got bobbi pins and cough drops. Then he dropped me off at OLM cuz I didn't feel like going home and I hung out with Danny and all the Jr. High kids until Mandie came and we talked a bunch. Then Jess came and Ernie and Alyssa and Val and Scott. We all just kind of chilled until about 8:30 and then we had this discussion on the bible. Basically bashing it and stuff. However, Danny's a cool guy and just wants us to find ourselves, whether it be in the Catholic Church or not. So, I was going to have Danny drive me to the Blind Issues show at 10, but I was tired/sick and wanted to go home. So, I got home, went online, Grant IMed me and said he would love to talk but he was tired like a mofo, so I chatted with Lindsey and Greg and then got tired and crawled into bed and dozed off.
Then on Saturday, I wake up to a lovely phone call from my dearest Lindsey who says "I'm five minutes away" so I go downstairs and go into the garage and tell my dad and mom that Lindsey was coming in five minutes. Then my dad drove me and Lindsey to the zoo after I got ready and whatnot. We chilled and Sean met us up there but he went off and hung out with Bart. Then we saw them outside of the zoo and we said hey and they squirted me and Lindsey with a water bottle, so we were like "Um, fuck you" so we took the bus to Stonestown and "shopped" and then we went back to Lindsey's house with some Japanese food, The Notebook and Without a Paddle while everyone was at Janel and Heather's party. Um, you go girl? So then we fell asleep and I was all situated and then all of a sudden I hear 96 Quite Bitter Things and I'm like "Oh my God, it's fucking 12:30, Grant". Haha. So, then I get off the phone with him cuz Lindsey's pissed off and then I CAN'T SLEEP! Like a bitch I can't. So, I FINALLY get to sleep and when I wake up, it's fucking 9 o'clock. Whatever. So, I jump in the shower and then I call around for the directions to the place where the parents meeting is being held. So, my mom and I go, yada yada yada. Then they leave and shit, and then we eat and practice. The practice kind of sucked, but I don't care. Then my dad picked me up, went to Ranch 99 got food and whatnot and then get home, and get a call from Lindsey who said she's been locked out of her house all day. Hahaha, sucks. Then I attempt to do my vocab. Haha, yeah right. Then I watch some of the Oscars, and am basically online all day. Pretty fun Sunday.
So, we have a four day weekend coming up, so on Wednesday, me and Lindsey are going to the city and getting our make up done then going to Pier 39 and going back to that house o' wax cuz we can. Yesss! I wanted to go downtown and get all dressed up, but whatever. Save that for another night :D