Admitting defeat.
I have not unpacked. The contents of my bag is lying in a heap on my floor. My floor is dirty, and in desperate need of a vacuum. I still have dishes from last week sitting in the sink, and my toiletries are still packed in my travel bag on the bathroom sink.
And I just don't care.
I don't feel like unpacking because this place isn't home. I came here seeking acceptance, because I was certain that I hadn't found it at Laurentian. Going back, however, I realized it may be the only place I will ever find it. I left Laurentian seeking something to fill the void I feel inside of me. Instead, the void is growing, consuming me and everything I do. I can't stop thinking about this past weekend, in a city where time never really matters. Friendships that mean EVERYTHING to me.
If you know me at all, you will know that I hate to admit that I am wrong. However, in this case it is more than justified. I was wrong. I regret everything, just as everyone said I would. If I could take it back I wouldn't hesitate at all. I was so certain that this place was where I belonged - but I was blinded somehow by naivety.
The greatest part about admitting defeat is being able to correct your mistakes. In my case, I cannot fix the things I have done. I will remain here for the next two years, and I will work my way through and fake some smiles, just as I did in highschool. I am thankful that I have Jocelyn here, at least. And thankful that I am close enough to home that I can escape this place with ease. The streets are not quiet at night. The sky is not crisp navy blue, and the stars do not sparkle quite as much.
I wish my life were like a casette tape, so I could rewind, pause, play back, record over.
- [ everything is nothing without you.]
And I just don't care.
I don't feel like unpacking because this place isn't home. I came here seeking acceptance, because I was certain that I hadn't found it at Laurentian. Going back, however, I realized it may be the only place I will ever find it. I left Laurentian seeking something to fill the void I feel inside of me. Instead, the void is growing, consuming me and everything I do. I can't stop thinking about this past weekend, in a city where time never really matters. Friendships that mean EVERYTHING to me.
If you know me at all, you will know that I hate to admit that I am wrong. However, in this case it is more than justified. I was wrong. I regret everything, just as everyone said I would. If I could take it back I wouldn't hesitate at all. I was so certain that this place was where I belonged - but I was blinded somehow by naivety.
The greatest part about admitting defeat is being able to correct your mistakes. In my case, I cannot fix the things I have done. I will remain here for the next two years, and I will work my way through and fake some smiles, just as I did in highschool. I am thankful that I have Jocelyn here, at least. And thankful that I am close enough to home that I can escape this place with ease. The streets are not quiet at night. The sky is not crisp navy blue, and the stars do not sparkle quite as much.
I wish my life were like a casette tape, so I could rewind, pause, play back, record over.
- [ everything is nothing without you.]