(no subject)
I came to a realization earlier while I was taking a bubble bath. I'm a very stubborn person when it comes to showing emotion. If someone makes me angry or sad, I hide it. I won't give that person the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt my feelings. It makes me feel weak. If someone asks me if I'm mad, I'll usually lie about it. However, there are times when I'm straightforward with how I'm feeling. But that's a rare occurance.
Also, I have something against crying in public. I don't like to cry infront of anyone. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I fight to choke back tears with everything that I have, but there are times when I just can't handle it and I breakdown. Some of you may have witnessed it. Whenever that happens, it's usually something major that, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't take it. I won't even let myself cry at funerals. You have no idea how hard it is not to cry. The one time I actually did cry was at my grandma's funeral and you know what I got out of that? Nothing. It was the first time that I actually brokedown to the point of bawling in public and nobody even came over to hug me or give me a little comfort. I felt so helpless. The one time where I really needed to be reminded that someone was there for me, nobody was. A good amount of family members were around me too and did anybody do anything to comfort me? No. They may have glanced over at me, but nothing more. So, I don't really see the point in letting such a thick wall like that down in public. In my eyes, it gets you nowhere and only makes you seem weak.
Another thing, I endure such a beating from my mind. Every now and then, it happens. I'll either over-analyze something and get really upset over absolutely nothing, or I'll pick out everything that I think is wrong with me. I feel like I can't do anything about it either. My mind will have me thinking about something over and over, making everything seem harmful. It causes me to become really sad or angry sometimes, and for no good reason. The other thing has to do with my self-confidence and I'm sure we all know about that so there's no use in rambling on about it in here. My mind is my worst enemy. For one day, I just wanna live my life without caring about the consequence of eating a certain thing. I know it may seem like I don't think about any of this, but that's just because I hide it all, and it's really painful. I just don't understand why all of this happens. Why do I feel the need to keep to myself so much? It's like I have a hard time trusting people because I feel like they're all out to get me..even the one's that I love and care about the most. It really hurts.
I'm sorry that this was such a depressing entry, but I really had to get this out. Sometimes, just writing something down helps better than actually talking it out with someone. I guess I just feel underappreciated sometimes when I know that I have no reason to at all. Sometimes, it's just nice to be reminded that I have people who will be there for me when I need somebody to lean on or to just simply give me a hug.
Once again, I'm sorry if you wasted your time reading that,
Goodnight.
<3
Also, I have something against crying in public. I don't like to cry infront of anyone. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I fight to choke back tears with everything that I have, but there are times when I just can't handle it and I breakdown. Some of you may have witnessed it. Whenever that happens, it's usually something major that, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't take it. I won't even let myself cry at funerals. You have no idea how hard it is not to cry. The one time I actually did cry was at my grandma's funeral and you know what I got out of that? Nothing. It was the first time that I actually brokedown to the point of bawling in public and nobody even came over to hug me or give me a little comfort. I felt so helpless. The one time where I really needed to be reminded that someone was there for me, nobody was. A good amount of family members were around me too and did anybody do anything to comfort me? No. They may have glanced over at me, but nothing more. So, I don't really see the point in letting such a thick wall like that down in public. In my eyes, it gets you nowhere and only makes you seem weak.
Another thing, I endure such a beating from my mind. Every now and then, it happens. I'll either over-analyze something and get really upset over absolutely nothing, or I'll pick out everything that I think is wrong with me. I feel like I can't do anything about it either. My mind will have me thinking about something over and over, making everything seem harmful. It causes me to become really sad or angry sometimes, and for no good reason. The other thing has to do with my self-confidence and I'm sure we all know about that so there's no use in rambling on about it in here. My mind is my worst enemy. For one day, I just wanna live my life without caring about the consequence of eating a certain thing. I know it may seem like I don't think about any of this, but that's just because I hide it all, and it's really painful. I just don't understand why all of this happens. Why do I feel the need to keep to myself so much? It's like I have a hard time trusting people because I feel like they're all out to get me..even the one's that I love and care about the most. It really hurts.
I'm sorry that this was such a depressing entry, but I really had to get this out. Sometimes, just writing something down helps better than actually talking it out with someone. I guess I just feel underappreciated sometimes when I know that I have no reason to at all. Sometimes, it's just nice to be reminded that I have people who will be there for me when I need somebody to lean on or to just simply give me a hug.
Once again, I'm sorry if you wasted your time reading that,
Goodnight.
<3