i walk around with my head in the clouds
so i came to a realization.
you know how everyone has like ONE major problem?
whether its arrogance, insecurity...whatever.
i think my main problem is that i cover up with things to keep people out.
if i keep people out i:
1.) don't get hurt
2.) nobody asks questions
3.) i don't have to worry as much
i remember in 7th grade when i cut TWO FEET OF HAIR off my head... so i wasn't hiding anymore.
well just this morning after thinking about it for some time ive come to realize that NOBODY knows who i TRULY am.
some things i seem to hide behind:
1.) i gained TWENTY POUNDS to hide behind. it makes me feel more comfortable in a weird way.
like nobody's looking at me. i'm not so pretty people are staring... but i'm not so fat people are staring.
2.) i put on a super so-hyper-i-look-like-i-smoke-crack personality.
if people think i'm happy all the time nobody asks or prods into my life.
2b.)if i talk alot about silly things i don't give anyone time to ask me if i'm really okay.
3.) i try and look like someone i'm not because i'm not content with just being me.
3b.)aka trying to look like the most beautiful person i know. or even someone not that beautiful. i just like how they look.
4.) i don't touch anyone. i'm afraid of akward moments. i'm afraid of breaking down. i'm afraid of not wanting to let go. i'm afraid of getting close.
5.) i don't cry. ever. even during really sad tv shows or something. i'm afraid of losing control. and i don't want anyone to know that i've been crying. they'll try and get close to me. they'll try and figure out whats wrong. i don't want that.
so i guess the first thing i can work on is getting rid of the extra weight i'm afraid to let go of.
i'm trying to work out twice a day now. i'm about to do my next half hour in a minute.
but i think i'll be alot more confident if i just get to what i'm supposed to weigh.
;lskd hgal;skdghals;dkgha;lsdkgh
i'm angry i didn't realize it till now.
but i'm lucky. some people never get down to this.
oh and i also hate my theory... i definately got it from my mom.
"dont get your hopes up about anything, that way if you are disappointed it will be like nothing happened."
thats fucked up. its fucked up because its SAFE.
i need to take risks.
you know how everyone has like ONE major problem?
whether its arrogance, insecurity...whatever.
i think my main problem is that i cover up with things to keep people out.
if i keep people out i:
1.) don't get hurt
2.) nobody asks questions
3.) i don't have to worry as much
i remember in 7th grade when i cut TWO FEET OF HAIR off my head... so i wasn't hiding anymore.
well just this morning after thinking about it for some time ive come to realize that NOBODY knows who i TRULY am.
some things i seem to hide behind:
1.) i gained TWENTY POUNDS to hide behind. it makes me feel more comfortable in a weird way.
like nobody's looking at me. i'm not so pretty people are staring... but i'm not so fat people are staring.
2.) i put on a super so-hyper-i-look-like-i-smoke-crack personality.
if people think i'm happy all the time nobody asks or prods into my life.
2b.)if i talk alot about silly things i don't give anyone time to ask me if i'm really okay.
3.) i try and look like someone i'm not because i'm not content with just being me.
3b.)aka trying to look like the most beautiful person i know. or even someone not that beautiful. i just like how they look.
4.) i don't touch anyone. i'm afraid of akward moments. i'm afraid of breaking down. i'm afraid of not wanting to let go. i'm afraid of getting close.
5.) i don't cry. ever. even during really sad tv shows or something. i'm afraid of losing control. and i don't want anyone to know that i've been crying. they'll try and get close to me. they'll try and figure out whats wrong. i don't want that.
so i guess the first thing i can work on is getting rid of the extra weight i'm afraid to let go of.
i'm trying to work out twice a day now. i'm about to do my next half hour in a minute.
but i think i'll be alot more confident if i just get to what i'm supposed to weigh.
;lskd hgal;skdghals;dkgha;lsdkgh
i'm angry i didn't realize it till now.
but i'm lucky. some people never get down to this.
oh and i also hate my theory... i definately got it from my mom.
"dont get your hopes up about anything, that way if you are disappointed it will be like nothing happened."
thats fucked up. its fucked up because its SAFE.
i need to take risks.