(no subject)
Dear Charlene,
Honestly, I have no idea how often you log in here, or when you are going to see this, but it doesn't really matter. It isn't very late, but it is late enough. I'm tired, but not in a sleepy way. I felt like updating my journal, but not for everyone to see. You are kind of like my own little private journal most of the time, and I wasn't going to let the fact that you aren't here right now stop me.
I feel so blah about just about everything, and I think you know me well enough to know that when I say everything I pretty much mean everything with Mike. I haven't spoken two words about seeing him with anyone else. I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't even know myself what happen Wednesday night. Did it go well? It certainly didn't go bad. Something tells me it was just... Oh I don't even know. We were sitting there on the couch. Spooks was watching the movie, and you were knitting. I was sitting there just watching Mike in the kitchen. Everyone else was busy doing things, and Mike had himself concerned with whatever it was he was cooking, and he was quite unaware at the fact that I was even watching him, but I was. Sitting there gazing at him I remember thinking to myself, "god I love this boy so much. Why can't I just be with him?" and that's the thing. Why? I don't think that will ever quite be answered to the fullest extent. Quite the same, I don't know if I will ever be able to be with him, I don't know if that is even what he wants. There are a lot of things that I just don't know, and Mike happens to be one of them. I write him letters all the time like crazy, and I know he loves them, he tells me all the time. Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep it up, pretending that I am okay with all of this. Other times, it never even crosses my mind and I can write and write and write like there is nothing out of the ordinary about me writing letters to a boy I am forbidden to see. The thing is though, I don't care. I don't care if it is out of the ordinary, and I don't care if it makes me feel half insane most of the time. I know this isn't right. I am sixteen years old, and I am in love with a boy who is soon to be twenty. How normal is this? How normal am I? How normal is it that I am surrounded by boys day after day who try to talk to me, but I just shut them down? How normal is it that I want nothing to do with anyone around me? How normal is it that I have grown to despise getting up and going to school in the morning only because I hate everyone I see on a day to day basis? How normal is it for me to want nothing to do with boys my own age? How normal is it that I am looking at my icon right now and I can't stop laughing because it is me as a fish hiding in the curtains? Okay, so that part is pretty normal, but the rest is out there. Tell me, how normal is it that you are the only person I can stand to be around for more than an hour at a time without wanting to kill myself just a little?
I guess I should be done all of my bitching and moaning and complaining about mike. It's all things you have heard before, and if you haven't heard it come from my mouth, than it is something you know I was thinking, thus it's crossed your mind, and you have thought about it before. I just want to say thank you. For being there for me ALL OF THE TIME, for listening to me cry and complain carrying on about this Mike thing for three years now. Thank you for letting me turn to you when all of my other friends one by one slowly but surely screwed me over one way or the other. (that may be an exaggeration, but you know what I mean) Also, thank you for forcing me to sneak out that night because we all know that I am a little pussy and never would have done it without you. Thank you for being my best friend, and letting me be a bitchface everyonce in a while. I love ya charlie bear, and I owe you one, big time.
xoxo
me
p.s.
When I first started this letter I had every intention of making it private, but thinking about... what the fuck do I care if anyone else reads it?
p.s.s.
Chips, Nerds, and Diet Coke are on me next weekend.
Honestly, I have no idea how often you log in here, or when you are going to see this, but it doesn't really matter. It isn't very late, but it is late enough. I'm tired, but not in a sleepy way. I felt like updating my journal, but not for everyone to see. You are kind of like my own little private journal most of the time, and I wasn't going to let the fact that you aren't here right now stop me.
I feel so blah about just about everything, and I think you know me well enough to know that when I say everything I pretty much mean everything with Mike. I haven't spoken two words about seeing him with anyone else. I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't even know myself what happen Wednesday night. Did it go well? It certainly didn't go bad. Something tells me it was just... Oh I don't even know. We were sitting there on the couch. Spooks was watching the movie, and you were knitting. I was sitting there just watching Mike in the kitchen. Everyone else was busy doing things, and Mike had himself concerned with whatever it was he was cooking, and he was quite unaware at the fact that I was even watching him, but I was. Sitting there gazing at him I remember thinking to myself, "god I love this boy so much. Why can't I just be with him?" and that's the thing. Why? I don't think that will ever quite be answered to the fullest extent. Quite the same, I don't know if I will ever be able to be with him, I don't know if that is even what he wants. There are a lot of things that I just don't know, and Mike happens to be one of them. I write him letters all the time like crazy, and I know he loves them, he tells me all the time. Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep it up, pretending that I am okay with all of this. Other times, it never even crosses my mind and I can write and write and write like there is nothing out of the ordinary about me writing letters to a boy I am forbidden to see. The thing is though, I don't care. I don't care if it is out of the ordinary, and I don't care if it makes me feel half insane most of the time. I know this isn't right. I am sixteen years old, and I am in love with a boy who is soon to be twenty. How normal is this? How normal am I? How normal is it that I am surrounded by boys day after day who try to talk to me, but I just shut them down? How normal is it that I want nothing to do with anyone around me? How normal is it that I have grown to despise getting up and going to school in the morning only because I hate everyone I see on a day to day basis? How normal is it for me to want nothing to do with boys my own age? How normal is it that I am looking at my icon right now and I can't stop laughing because it is me as a fish hiding in the curtains? Okay, so that part is pretty normal, but the rest is out there. Tell me, how normal is it that you are the only person I can stand to be around for more than an hour at a time without wanting to kill myself just a little?
I guess I should be done all of my bitching and moaning and complaining about mike. It's all things you have heard before, and if you haven't heard it come from my mouth, than it is something you know I was thinking, thus it's crossed your mind, and you have thought about it before. I just want to say thank you. For being there for me ALL OF THE TIME, for listening to me cry and complain carrying on about this Mike thing for three years now. Thank you for letting me turn to you when all of my other friends one by one slowly but surely screwed me over one way or the other. (that may be an exaggeration, but you know what I mean) Also, thank you for forcing me to sneak out that night because we all know that I am a little pussy and never would have done it without you. Thank you for being my best friend, and letting me be a bitchface everyonce in a while. I love ya charlie bear, and I owe you one, big time.
xoxo
me
p.s.
When I first started this letter I had every intention of making it private, but thinking about... what the fuck do I care if anyone else reads it?
p.s.s.
Chips, Nerds, and Diet Coke are on me next weekend.