I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
"See it's burning me to hold onto this I know this is something I gotta do But that don't mean I want to What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just I feel like this is coming to an end And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you gotta let it burn"
i love how songs can describe how your feeling more than you can. i dont know what to do. but i'm not getting into that right now.
i went and seen Tay yesterday. He doesn't look good. but he's alright... hes alive. and i sat with him for like 3 hours just talking and stuff. and i even got a smile and some laughs outta him so thats good. i was sooooo happy to see his smile. but people you need to go visit him. we had fun. it was almost like old times but in his eyes i could see the pain still. *sigh* i want to help him get happy again. i hope i can. i hate seeing him like this. i think im going to go see him again later today or tomorrow because well i want too. i had a nice time talking and stuff yesterday. i hope i helped a little. he misses that little girl and i dont think he'll ever not miss her. and man is his house a wreck. goooooood. lol i might take the twins one time with me and let him play with them and i'll clean his house for him. well thats all i wanna say about my time at tays. tay---you need me anytime call me you know this. i'm always here for you day or night. if you just want someone to come and sit with
and when i got home... well it wasn't a happy thing. i got accused of sleeping with him. WTF? no i didnt sleep with him. even if I wanted too i wouldn't have slept with him then because well its not right. because sleeping with him right now would just be like kinda like he's using me because he wants his pain gone and i dont liek that. well i want his pain gone but i dont want to be used like that ya no? so me and ike got in this fucking HUGE fight over that shit. and then i took the twins and went in their room and played with them for awhile and when i came out he was gone. big fucking surprise. i'm at the end of my fucking rope with him. i don't know what his fucking problem is but he better get it fixed soon. i mean how in the fuck can he just accuse me like that? trust issues much? isn't it wonderful how much my fiancee trusts me? BULLSHIT. what the fuck is his problem? im sick of it. we're slipping further and further away from each other and sometimes i think its not a bad thing and then others i dont want it to be like this. but i should have known it would. since NOTHING good can happen to me without something bad. fucking bullshit. *sigh* i dont need this shit. i know this. but i put up with it. im stupid. he was so good before the twins was born and like a month or 2 after but now hes gone all the time. doing god knows what with god knows who. i mean i NEVER accuse him of sleeping with other people. i mean i might think it but im not going to accuse him of it. and atleast if i did i'd have more reason too. god. what is wrong with me?
things are changing and who knows if its for the best or the worst. god. i dont know what im going to do. i have all kinds of confusing thoughts and feelings in me and i dont know. i'm feeling things i shouldn't be feeling for people i shouldn't feel them for. it's just i dont know. *sigh* i cant really talk about it here because welll people might read and it'll get shit started and i have enough of that to deal with without adding to the mix myself. *sigh* im so fucking CONFUSED. its like my world is turned upside down and i dont know how to fix it.
Zac im sorry for everything your going through hon. I hope you and nat stay together because well you all are good together. Zac i think shes always going to love Tay... i mean its just how no matter what happens between me and ike i'll always love him. but that doesn't mean i cant love someone else just as much if not more. maybe she just needs sometime alone to think about it ya no? i know you miss your mom hon. *sigh* im not much of a help right now because well im sad and confused and hurt right now. but if you need anything call me. you know that right?
well im going to go now. im going to take my boys out. its nice and stuff. so bye!
<3
Nikki
i love how songs can describe how your feeling more than you can. i dont know what to do. but i'm not getting into that right now.
i went and seen Tay yesterday. He doesn't look good. but he's alright... hes alive. and i sat with him for like 3 hours just talking and stuff. and i even got a smile and some laughs outta him so thats good. i was sooooo happy to see his smile. but people you need to go visit him. we had fun. it was almost like old times but in his eyes i could see the pain still. *sigh* i want to help him get happy again. i hope i can. i hate seeing him like this. i think im going to go see him again later today or tomorrow because well i want too. i had a nice time talking and stuff yesterday. i hope i helped a little. he misses that little girl and i dont think he'll ever not miss her. and man is his house a wreck. goooooood. lol i might take the twins one time with me and let him play with them and i'll clean his house for him. well thats all i wanna say about my time at tays. tay---you need me anytime call me you know this. i'm always here for you day or night. if you just want someone to come and sit with
and when i got home... well it wasn't a happy thing. i got accused of sleeping with him. WTF? no i didnt sleep with him. even if I wanted too i wouldn't have slept with him then because well its not right. because sleeping with him right now would just be like kinda like he's using me because he wants his pain gone and i dont liek that. well i want his pain gone but i dont want to be used like that ya no? so me and ike got in this fucking HUGE fight over that shit. and then i took the twins and went in their room and played with them for awhile and when i came out he was gone. big fucking surprise. i'm at the end of my fucking rope with him. i don't know what his fucking problem is but he better get it fixed soon. i mean how in the fuck can he just accuse me like that? trust issues much? isn't it wonderful how much my fiancee trusts me? BULLSHIT. what the fuck is his problem? im sick of it. we're slipping further and further away from each other and sometimes i think its not a bad thing and then others i dont want it to be like this. but i should have known it would. since NOTHING good can happen to me without something bad. fucking bullshit. *sigh* i dont need this shit. i know this. but i put up with it. im stupid. he was so good before the twins was born and like a month or 2 after but now hes gone all the time. doing god knows what with god knows who. i mean i NEVER accuse him of sleeping with other people. i mean i might think it but im not going to accuse him of it. and atleast if i did i'd have more reason too. god. what is wrong with me?
things are changing and who knows if its for the best or the worst. god. i dont know what im going to do. i have all kinds of confusing thoughts and feelings in me and i dont know. i'm feeling things i shouldn't be feeling for people i shouldn't feel them for. it's just i dont know. *sigh* i cant really talk about it here because welll people might read and it'll get shit started and i have enough of that to deal with without adding to the mix myself. *sigh* im so fucking CONFUSED. its like my world is turned upside down and i dont know how to fix it.
Zac im sorry for everything your going through hon. I hope you and nat stay together because well you all are good together. Zac i think shes always going to love Tay... i mean its just how no matter what happens between me and ike i'll always love him. but that doesn't mean i cant love someone else just as much if not more. maybe she just needs sometime alone to think about it ya no? i know you miss your mom hon. *sigh* im not much of a help right now because well im sad and confused and hurt right now. but if you need anything call me. you know that right?
well im going to go now. im going to take my boys out. its nice and stuff. so bye!
<3
Nikki