(no subject)
i'm taking a time out from studying bones for a second. cause i'm thinking... this is the cycle of living. i'm looking at these bones not in reference to what they are, the result of a lost life, but to what they were and represent inside of me. but when i think about it.. this is all we are, just bodies moving and living and dying at the same time. we're always dying.
last week a boy on my campus died, he fell off the roof of his building after partying one night. isn't it strange how death sort of freezes life at the same time it ends it? everything that he was immersed in at the moment he fell is what will persist in people's memories, it is what he will leave behind. like alicia, she's seventeen forever, and the typical phrases and the style of dress and thought and interests have exceeded her. and those are the things we associate with her, even if they might have been temporary. it's weird, because you know life is fragile but no one really grasps the meaning of that until something happens that effects them. and the hardest deaths to deal with are the ones you can't understand. because who can really wrap their head around someone being vibrant and healthy and tangible at one hour, and the next hour, ceasing to exist? who can really let that sink in? when you're head rejects it, and your heart will always reject death, even if it's anticipated.
it's funny how you can prepare yourself for things. there's really no process to it, but it happens, and i just find it strange how expectation helps you deal with death so much better than surprise.
i don't even know why i'm thinking about this. i guess because i've gotten to this point in my life where i have this idea of invincibility. well..not invincibility, because i acknowledge that there are risks involved in everything that you do, but i guess i'm just not afraid of dying anymore. i guess i just feel like.. what's the point of being afraid of something you can't control or prevent or understand? and i guess it's silly to put myself in situations that are potentially more dangerous than, say, driving a car or walking down the street, but i just feel like, hell, if i die from jumping out of a plane, then at least i died from jumping out of a plane. at least i lived while i was alive. so i guess that's why i'm not scared, because i can't control it, and i'm tired of being afraid or nervous or upset about things i can't change, so if it happens... it happens.
the thing that does bother me.. is that i think about how these things happen, how, if we were all a blanket of stars, how some burn out every day. and where there was once a spot of light, there's suddenly just darkness. and i think.. there are people in my life that i want to take advantage of knowing.. and when someone pushes me away.. for whatever the reason.. i get so frustrated. i feel like.. whatever is happening here, whatever is dividing us.. it's temporary, it's petty, it's trivial. because how much will it matter to me or you if the person you've distanced yourself from is suddenly lost forever? i don't think a lot of people understand the meaning of forever, not until they lose someone. because if you cared about someone at some point in your life.. what can they really do to you to make you say... it doesn't matter if i never see or talk to this person again. it doesn't matter if these are the last words we exchange. if this is the last time i see their face. forever. i'm not saying that everything should be forgiven... i'm just saying people too often don't allow wounds to heal, they just bandage them up and avoid what hurt them. i'm guilty of it, we're all guilty of it. but it's frustrating.
but despite all this, i'm still doing it.. pushing people away because it's easy. and there are people in my life that are pushing me away, and i'm trying real hard to hold on. but you can't force someone to care about you, and you can't go on tyrades about death and guilt and the fragility of living. so you just hope they get it one day.. before something happens, before another light goes out.
i think i'm going crazy, and this is my first post in forever, so you all probably think i'm crazy too.
last week a boy on my campus died, he fell off the roof of his building after partying one night. isn't it strange how death sort of freezes life at the same time it ends it? everything that he was immersed in at the moment he fell is what will persist in people's memories, it is what he will leave behind. like alicia, she's seventeen forever, and the typical phrases and the style of dress and thought and interests have exceeded her. and those are the things we associate with her, even if they might have been temporary. it's weird, because you know life is fragile but no one really grasps the meaning of that until something happens that effects them. and the hardest deaths to deal with are the ones you can't understand. because who can really wrap their head around someone being vibrant and healthy and tangible at one hour, and the next hour, ceasing to exist? who can really let that sink in? when you're head rejects it, and your heart will always reject death, even if it's anticipated.
it's funny how you can prepare yourself for things. there's really no process to it, but it happens, and i just find it strange how expectation helps you deal with death so much better than surprise.
i don't even know why i'm thinking about this. i guess because i've gotten to this point in my life where i have this idea of invincibility. well..not invincibility, because i acknowledge that there are risks involved in everything that you do, but i guess i'm just not afraid of dying anymore. i guess i just feel like.. what's the point of being afraid of something you can't control or prevent or understand? and i guess it's silly to put myself in situations that are potentially more dangerous than, say, driving a car or walking down the street, but i just feel like, hell, if i die from jumping out of a plane, then at least i died from jumping out of a plane. at least i lived while i was alive. so i guess that's why i'm not scared, because i can't control it, and i'm tired of being afraid or nervous or upset about things i can't change, so if it happens... it happens.
the thing that does bother me.. is that i think about how these things happen, how, if we were all a blanket of stars, how some burn out every day. and where there was once a spot of light, there's suddenly just darkness. and i think.. there are people in my life that i want to take advantage of knowing.. and when someone pushes me away.. for whatever the reason.. i get so frustrated. i feel like.. whatever is happening here, whatever is dividing us.. it's temporary, it's petty, it's trivial. because how much will it matter to me or you if the person you've distanced yourself from is suddenly lost forever? i don't think a lot of people understand the meaning of forever, not until they lose someone. because if you cared about someone at some point in your life.. what can they really do to you to make you say... it doesn't matter if i never see or talk to this person again. it doesn't matter if these are the last words we exchange. if this is the last time i see their face. forever. i'm not saying that everything should be forgiven... i'm just saying people too often don't allow wounds to heal, they just bandage them up and avoid what hurt them. i'm guilty of it, we're all guilty of it. but it's frustrating.
but despite all this, i'm still doing it.. pushing people away because it's easy. and there are people in my life that are pushing me away, and i'm trying real hard to hold on. but you can't force someone to care about you, and you can't go on tyrades about death and guilt and the fragility of living. so you just hope they get it one day.. before something happens, before another light goes out.
i think i'm going crazy, and this is my first post in forever, so you all probably think i'm crazy too.