Mrs. Tommy Lee
I fucking love Tommy Lee. Absolutely fucking amazing. Yes, I am really fucked up. I talk about Tommy Lee's penis all the time now. Hrm. Infact, I really love how I rang Sean last night at 2am to read him a quote from Tommyland when I was reading for the 3rd time. Actually...you know what is better? I rang my sister's house yesterday, and as soon as the phone was answered I started reading a Pamela quote, and after I finished I realised it was my brother in law who answered the phone, and NOT my sister.
Anyway.....I fucking love Tommy Lee
"He called and called, leaving about twenty messages, just drunk dialing. One of them was him singing his version of the Oscar Mayer theme song: 'My baloney has a first name, it's L-A-R-G-E. My baloney has a second name, it's P-E-N-I-S. I like to use it every day, and if you ask me why, I'll saaay, 'Cuz my Large Penis has a way with P-U-S-S-Y today!'
Actually that was the message that got me interested."
-Pamela Anderson (Tommyland) Yeah, that's what I read to Dan. He hates me.
"After I got her message, I don't call her back right away. I just chill for two hours. I take a bath, I read for a while. I call my mom, I meditate, and do some yoga. I pull a horseshoe out of my ass. And if you belive that crap, I've got some swampland in Florida to sell ya.
I call her back so fuckin' quick."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
"Whatever, Pamela. I have a better memory than either of you two. Trust me, there was sex before marriage. I was in there, friends. I can still see it. I could draw you a map if you paid me. That's a journey I won't forget. I too, was fucking Pamela Anderson."
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
"I was getting ready to hurt someone, yo. I kept asking Tommy to just get me in a room with that guy for a full on pants down cage match. Trust me, he'd go home looking like Johnny Bobbitt."
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
"The first year my sons were alive, like every infant, they were complete blobs. The ate, they shat, they pissed, they cried, they screamed, they threw up all the time, and their heads rolled around on their necks like Linda Blair in The Exorcist."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
"I did change a few diapers and feed them though, and let me tell you, baby poop is as gnarly as they say it is - even when it's your own child. A few times, not even a diaper could hold in all the poop. That's when you just pick them up and run to the nearest sink or bathtub, as the crap runs down their legs."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
(About the papperazzi) "When we left, we were swarmed like a porn star at a gang bang."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland) (Fucking greatness!)
"Music never talks back to me, music never argues with me, music is mybest friend, music doesn't put me in jail unless I get naked onstage, music makes me happy, and music makes me sad only when I want it to. Music is my memory, and music is my wife. Music is my life partner, the only one who will never ever leave me."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland) (This is insightful, I think. I agree 100%)
(About how protective he'd be if he had a daughter) "When the guy showed up to take my daughter out I'd pull him aside. 'Whatever you do to my daughter, I'm gonna do to you,' I'd tell him. 'You kiss her, I'm kissing you. You suck her titties, I'm gonna suck your titties. You fuck her, I'm fucking you."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
(In relation to the last quote) "Woah, woah, hey, dude! No way! I'm not going there!"
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
(About crazy fans) "The worst it's gotton for me was the time I was taking a shit - just trying to drop a log - and a piece of paper with a pen on top of it came sliding sideways under the stall wall. I hear, 'Dude, could you sign that?' You're fucking kidding me! I'm dumping, dude. I'm busy, I'm stocking the lake with brown trout. It was everything I could do not to grab some poop, slop it on there, and send it back. But I didn't. I couldn't. I just signed it, slid it back under, and went on with my business."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
"A good idea to fire up your relationship is to drive down the highway at about sixty-five miles per hour and have sex with your girl. Now if that doesn't excite you, you must be dead. But please believe me, you've got to be careful."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
"Burning bad. Sex good. Mmm. Yess."
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
(About Tommy's friend knowing Heather Locklear's dentist) "I'd like to give her an oral exam."
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
"Change 'while' to 'whilst'?" (Note from the editor)
"'Whilst'? This isn't Shakespeare, Sherlock. Don't you at least need to be a knight to use a word like that? Should we change all the 'comes' to 'comeths' whilst we're at it? Save that shit for Sir Elton John's and Sir Paul McCartney's autobiographies, Squire."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland) (So, I read this to my English teacher. Obsessive? Noooooo.)
"I went to a dream analyst named Dick Wiener a few years ago."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
(About last quote) "That guy's name is awesome!"
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
Ok, I better stop before I just type the whole book.
Anyway.....I fucking love Tommy Lee
"He called and called, leaving about twenty messages, just drunk dialing. One of them was him singing his version of the Oscar Mayer theme song: 'My baloney has a first name, it's L-A-R-G-E. My baloney has a second name, it's P-E-N-I-S. I like to use it every day, and if you ask me why, I'll saaay, 'Cuz my Large Penis has a way with P-U-S-S-Y today!'
Actually that was the message that got me interested."
-Pamela Anderson (Tommyland) Yeah, that's what I read to Dan. He hates me.
"After I got her message, I don't call her back right away. I just chill for two hours. I take a bath, I read for a while. I call my mom, I meditate, and do some yoga. I pull a horseshoe out of my ass. And if you belive that crap, I've got some swampland in Florida to sell ya.
I call her back so fuckin' quick."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
"Whatever, Pamela. I have a better memory than either of you two. Trust me, there was sex before marriage. I was in there, friends. I can still see it. I could draw you a map if you paid me. That's a journey I won't forget. I too, was fucking Pamela Anderson."
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
"I was getting ready to hurt someone, yo. I kept asking Tommy to just get me in a room with that guy for a full on pants down cage match. Trust me, he'd go home looking like Johnny Bobbitt."
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
"The first year my sons were alive, like every infant, they were complete blobs. The ate, they shat, they pissed, they cried, they screamed, they threw up all the time, and their heads rolled around on their necks like Linda Blair in The Exorcist."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
"I did change a few diapers and feed them though, and let me tell you, baby poop is as gnarly as they say it is - even when it's your own child. A few times, not even a diaper could hold in all the poop. That's when you just pick them up and run to the nearest sink or bathtub, as the crap runs down their legs."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
(About the papperazzi) "When we left, we were swarmed like a porn star at a gang bang."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland) (Fucking greatness!)
"Music never talks back to me, music never argues with me, music is mybest friend, music doesn't put me in jail unless I get naked onstage, music makes me happy, and music makes me sad only when I want it to. Music is my memory, and music is my wife. Music is my life partner, the only one who will never ever leave me."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland) (This is insightful, I think. I agree 100%)
(About how protective he'd be if he had a daughter) "When the guy showed up to take my daughter out I'd pull him aside. 'Whatever you do to my daughter, I'm gonna do to you,' I'd tell him. 'You kiss her, I'm kissing you. You suck her titties, I'm gonna suck your titties. You fuck her, I'm fucking you."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
(In relation to the last quote) "Woah, woah, hey, dude! No way! I'm not going there!"
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
(About crazy fans) "The worst it's gotton for me was the time I was taking a shit - just trying to drop a log - and a piece of paper with a pen on top of it came sliding sideways under the stall wall. I hear, 'Dude, could you sign that?' You're fucking kidding me! I'm dumping, dude. I'm busy, I'm stocking the lake with brown trout. It was everything I could do not to grab some poop, slop it on there, and send it back. But I didn't. I couldn't. I just signed it, slid it back under, and went on with my business."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
"A good idea to fire up your relationship is to drive down the highway at about sixty-five miles per hour and have sex with your girl. Now if that doesn't excite you, you must be dead. But please believe me, you've got to be careful."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
"Burning bad. Sex good. Mmm. Yess."
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
(About Tommy's friend knowing Heather Locklear's dentist) "I'd like to give her an oral exam."
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
"Change 'while' to 'whilst'?" (Note from the editor)
"'Whilst'? This isn't Shakespeare, Sherlock. Don't you at least need to be a knight to use a word like that? Should we change all the 'comes' to 'comeths' whilst we're at it? Save that shit for Sir Elton John's and Sir Paul McCartney's autobiographies, Squire."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland) (So, I read this to my English teacher. Obsessive? Noooooo.)
"I went to a dream analyst named Dick Wiener a few years ago."
-Tommy Lee (Tommyland)
(About last quote) "That guy's name is awesome!"
-Tommy's Dick (Tommyland)
Ok, I better stop before I just type the whole book.