This is my heartfelt entry. I hope this makes sense.
I sometimes think to myself; why do things happen the way they do? things happen for a reason right? I don't know if they do. If things happened for a reason then why do things that hurt one have to happen for the so called "reason" to exist.
I wish things were like they used to be. Everyone got along, hung out and just had fun. Now things aren't like that. After all that has happened I have kind of been secluded to myself. I understand the whole idea of moving on, and Im doing a pretty good job. Its just really hard when your still in love.
I know that people were scared to invite me along because they were scared that I would cause a scene due to the whole situation. I understand that I do, I wish everyone just understood how hard this is for me. I know I took some things to far, but when so many things go wrong its hard to control your emotions any more, especially when it seems that the only person who see's everything changing and wants things to be fun and work out is myself. I am probably wrong though, it wouldnt be the first time lol.
I want things to work. Everyone to be happy (including me). For fun to come of life. Worrys and pain not an issue. Maybe all these things and the ideal life is unrealistic.
I noticed Im using the word "I" alot. All Im thinking of is myself; for once. Maybe thats a good thing? A sign that I care how I feel. A sign I am not going to let others bring me down. That im independent and strong, and that all I need is me. Thats a lie. I need m to belive in myself yes. But I need those friends and fun times to help me through. To help complete my recent change.
Im longing for the day when I can say. I don't care and for the feelings to be gone. But its not that easy and I understand that. I can't run or hide from it. All I can do is understand it. And continue to be strong, remember all the memories and cherish them all; but move on. I need the gang there tho to help me. If I can stay busy, and have fun then I don't think about it as much. Times like these where im home with no one to be with is when i hurt the most, cause I have all this spare time to just think about everything I miss. And I think to myself.... maybe if I just hide away for a while people will realize they want me around. But at the same time, this is our last summer together, there is so much ahead of us, and I want to remember this summer. The last summer of highschool with the friends that mean the most to me.
I don't think the gang "Tyler, Tyler, Derrick, Bret, Mich etc" (Mich your an execption lol) realize how much I care for them and how much I cherish our friendships. I dont think Steph D and Liam and Kyla understand how much I wanna make up for the way things happened, make things better and have a blast together.
To everyone who reads this all my friends I love you all. I cherish the times we have had even if we don't hang out as much as we should. I will never forget you, any of you, and I want to start fresh, and to all hang out with one another again, have a great summer.
I will probably write again soon. Sorry about this entry being quite negative, I just wanted to get my feelings off my chest.
I MISS YOU ALL....... (gang) xoxo
Love Christa
.... there was something else I wanted to say but I cant remember.... LOL