city_of_angel I don't need to be.
The streets were black to me now. Darker than I remember 'em, at least. Both hands clung to the single shoulder strap of the bag on my back. It was the only thing I needed for the minimal shit I counted on to survive, 'specially on the streets of L.A. Yep, I found myself back here yet again. I started feelin' like a ghost on the highway. Nobody knew I was there, yet I just kept wanderin' it back and forth between Sunny-D and L.A. lookin' for somethin' that, deep down, I had a feeling I wasn't gonna find. Belonging places for girls like me just don't exist. Who that girl was I was still tryin' to piece together and figure it out. I got most of it.. but I can't help but feel there's a hole inside me.
I stopped by one of the burning barrels that you could find 'round here most the time just to warm up my hands. The licking flames reminded me of my track record I remembered so far. Each movement the fire made was inconsistent, undecided, and completely unpredictable. Just like me, to date. Couldn't fit in with Soulboy's crew, so I high-tailed it back to Sunny-D. B bit the big one so I hung for a while, then she came back n' shit started getting all weird again. I was shoved to the back burner until I couldn't fit in with B's crew, either. Not t' mention it was like every time I turned around there were whispers 'bout me goin' on behind my back. I'll probably never be trusted by them again. Not that I can blame 'em or anything.. it's just I wish people could feel what it's like to be in Faith's shoes for once.
The scene that happened in Sunny-D came back to me instantly.. with no other than the Big Cheese himself.
"What's your fuckin' problem, G?!" I asked, the volume of my voice raised from my obvious defensive disposition. He was half yellin' at me to begin with after we got back to the Magic Box. "Everythin' was just fuckin' fine! We almost had them and you let 'im go!"
Giles pulled his glasses off his face so fast I thought he was gonna throw 'em across the room. Instead he set 'em harshly on the counter while he stepped up to me. Right in my face. "Take a good look around you, Faith," he demanded. His volume was casual but his tone.. man, I thought he hated me. "Do you have even a remote inclination as to what your decision making process was going to cause? Xander had already been taken out of commission and Willow was far too drained to attempt any more complicated spells! Your force was being depleted and it was time to count our losses and retreat. These people, your team," That's when his voice raised and he slammed his hand down on the wooden table next to us, makin' me flinch. "ARE NOT SLAYERS! They do not have the strength and stamina that you do and to expect them to push as hard as you called upon them to is not only impossible but pure lunacy." He turned around and started walking away as if he was tryin' to calm himself down.
It's not that I was scared of 'im, I really wasn't, but he's the closest thing to guidance I've ever had. His sharp words hurt. All I was tryin' to do was fit in a little. Y'know.. be all successful like they'd always been. But at the same time I couldn't help but feel a bit angry. "Maybe you just don't put enough faith in 'em, chief," I returned sharply, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "I bet, given the opportunity, they'd pull off miracles but you don't let 'em unlock that potential."
Hands in his pockets he turned around and looked at me. "That's your primary weakness, Faith," he said. "You fail to anticipate the limits of those you rely on. The calls you make will get someone killed or perhaps even you. Your leadership skills lack indefinitely!"
"I can do this!" I hollered back, having a feeling I knew where he was going with this. Boy.. was I wrong.
"You cannot organize, you cannot motivate, you cannot execute, you can't even assure the safety of those with whom you fight!" He said, taking quick steps toward me again. "You are not Buffy!"
... There was nothing more then silence came from me.
I just stared at him in horror. I couldn't.. believe he even dared to say that to me. I felt a lump welling up in my throat and my eyes stinging with the threat of tears. I tried so hard, I really did, and this was my reward. Then a voice rang out from behind me.. a voice I knew too well and yet it seemed so alien in this situation.
"He's right, Faith." I spun around and looked upon the sun blonde hair of B standing in an open doorway that led to the basement. I couldn't find a word to say if someone wrote it for me. "You're not me. You couldn't.. be me. Compassion? Decision? Any of this sound familiar?" She crossed her arms and gave me that sideways 'holier than thou' look that I despised about her. "Of course not, because you don't have any."
"Buffy.." Giles said softly as though he were going to try and stop what she was sayin'. "No," I interrupted, holding up a sleeve covered hand to stop him, sportin' a grin on my lips that said.. well who the fuck cares what it said to either of 'em. Seriously. I just nodded. "I get it. No, really, I get it.."
So I took to the highway and came back to L.A. Why the fuck? I dunno. It's like the only other place I'm familiar with, y'know? I just didn't know what I was gonna do while I was here. Again. Again, again, again. Seein' a pattern here? I sure as hell do.
"Hey, sweetcheeks! Yer in my fire!" Came some raspy voice from one of the heaps of homeless guys littering the sidewalks.
"Chill it, old man," I fired back, lowering my eyes in a disgruntled manner when I looked at him. "I'm jus' warmin' my hands. That's it. Give me a moment and I'll jet."
"Well c'mon over 'ere an' I can warm yer hands up right nice!" He said and started undoing his pants.
I tweaked my lip and I shook my head with a look of disgust and made the easy decision to move on. When I was right beside him I couldn't help but give him a small kick -- not enough to 'cause real damage, but enough to make him think twice on comin' after me. Only question now was.. well.. where was I goin'? Half of me was tuggin' to go back to Soulboy land and give him news I'm sure he'd love to know, but then there was the other part of me that held on so tight I could not even make a step toward that direction.
So I just walked.. paying no attention to where I was goin'.
I stopped by one of the burning barrels that you could find 'round here most the time just to warm up my hands. The licking flames reminded me of my track record I remembered so far. Each movement the fire made was inconsistent, undecided, and completely unpredictable. Just like me, to date. Couldn't fit in with Soulboy's crew, so I high-tailed it back to Sunny-D. B bit the big one so I hung for a while, then she came back n' shit started getting all weird again. I was shoved to the back burner until I couldn't fit in with B's crew, either. Not t' mention it was like every time I turned around there were whispers 'bout me goin' on behind my back. I'll probably never be trusted by them again. Not that I can blame 'em or anything.. it's just I wish people could feel what it's like to be in Faith's shoes for once.
The scene that happened in Sunny-D came back to me instantly.. with no other than the Big Cheese himself.
"What's your fuckin' problem, G?!" I asked, the volume of my voice raised from my obvious defensive disposition. He was half yellin' at me to begin with after we got back to the Magic Box. "Everythin' was just fuckin' fine! We almost had them and you let 'im go!"
Giles pulled his glasses off his face so fast I thought he was gonna throw 'em across the room. Instead he set 'em harshly on the counter while he stepped up to me. Right in my face. "Take a good look around you, Faith," he demanded. His volume was casual but his tone.. man, I thought he hated me. "Do you have even a remote inclination as to what your decision making process was going to cause? Xander had already been taken out of commission and Willow was far too drained to attempt any more complicated spells! Your force was being depleted and it was time to count our losses and retreat. These people, your team," That's when his voice raised and he slammed his hand down on the wooden table next to us, makin' me flinch. "ARE NOT SLAYERS! They do not have the strength and stamina that you do and to expect them to push as hard as you called upon them to is not only impossible but pure lunacy." He turned around and started walking away as if he was tryin' to calm himself down.
It's not that I was scared of 'im, I really wasn't, but he's the closest thing to guidance I've ever had. His sharp words hurt. All I was tryin' to do was fit in a little. Y'know.. be all successful like they'd always been. But at the same time I couldn't help but feel a bit angry. "Maybe you just don't put enough faith in 'em, chief," I returned sharply, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "I bet, given the opportunity, they'd pull off miracles but you don't let 'em unlock that potential."
Hands in his pockets he turned around and looked at me. "That's your primary weakness, Faith," he said. "You fail to anticipate the limits of those you rely on. The calls you make will get someone killed or perhaps even you. Your leadership skills lack indefinitely!"
"I can do this!" I hollered back, having a feeling I knew where he was going with this. Boy.. was I wrong.
"You cannot organize, you cannot motivate, you cannot execute, you can't even assure the safety of those with whom you fight!" He said, taking quick steps toward me again. "You are not Buffy!"
... There was nothing more then silence came from me.
I just stared at him in horror. I couldn't.. believe he even dared to say that to me. I felt a lump welling up in my throat and my eyes stinging with the threat of tears. I tried so hard, I really did, and this was my reward. Then a voice rang out from behind me.. a voice I knew too well and yet it seemed so alien in this situation.
"He's right, Faith." I spun around and looked upon the sun blonde hair of B standing in an open doorway that led to the basement. I couldn't find a word to say if someone wrote it for me. "You're not me. You couldn't.. be me. Compassion? Decision? Any of this sound familiar?" She crossed her arms and gave me that sideways 'holier than thou' look that I despised about her. "Of course not, because you don't have any."
"Buffy.." Giles said softly as though he were going to try and stop what she was sayin'. "No," I interrupted, holding up a sleeve covered hand to stop him, sportin' a grin on my lips that said.. well who the fuck cares what it said to either of 'em. Seriously. I just nodded. "I get it. No, really, I get it.."
So I took to the highway and came back to L.A. Why the fuck? I dunno. It's like the only other place I'm familiar with, y'know? I just didn't know what I was gonna do while I was here. Again. Again, again, again. Seein' a pattern here? I sure as hell do.
"Hey, sweetcheeks! Yer in my fire!" Came some raspy voice from one of the heaps of homeless guys littering the sidewalks.
"Chill it, old man," I fired back, lowering my eyes in a disgruntled manner when I looked at him. "I'm jus' warmin' my hands. That's it. Give me a moment and I'll jet."
"Well c'mon over 'ere an' I can warm yer hands up right nice!" He said and started undoing his pants.
I tweaked my lip and I shook my head with a look of disgust and made the easy decision to move on. When I was right beside him I couldn't help but give him a small kick -- not enough to 'cause real damage, but enough to make him think twice on comin' after me. Only question now was.. well.. where was I goin'? Half of me was tuggin' to go back to Soulboy land and give him news I'm sure he'd love to know, but then there was the other part of me that held on so tight I could not even make a step toward that direction.
So I just walked.. paying no attention to where I was goin'.