bigbadsunnyd
It felt like I walked for miles until I finally decided to take a break. God.. what the hell was I thinkin' letting Wes go by himself? But if he's that stupid to get himself killed, then he deserved it. I wasn't gonna sit there and get all this wicked mental bullshit. Why can't I just say sorry? WHY? The only moment of peace I had with myself was when I was behind bars. Now that I'm out.. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel out of place with everyone. Mental bullshit.. how could I avoid it?
"This isn't going to be easy on you, Faith, and let's face it-- it shouldn't be."
I can't get those words outta my head. It's playing to me again and again like some broken record. I already know it shouldn't be easy for me -- I don't fuckin' deserve it. But I also don't know how to deal with it. Every single time they start scrapin' in me with everything I've done I feel like I'm going to explode. Not like I asked a damn one of 'em to forgive me but it's like everyone prefers to be melodramatic than just offer a hand of help.
I needed a drink.
It was so much easier when I didn't care. Damn it Angel, why didn't you just kill me in the alley like I begged for you to do? Why didn't you give up on me like everyone else?
I sat myself down on the bench and buried my face within my hands. Didn't know where the hell I was.. didn't care. Just thinkin' about all the crap makes me feel like I want to cry.. but I won't. I don't cry. I'm stronger than that. Whoever said that 'crying makes you stronger' is a complete liar because all you get in return is pity and I don't want pity.
Maybe I do.. maybe a little. Is it so bad just to feel like someone cares? Even if they're lyin'? I'd kill to have B look at me one more time like she used to do before shit went down.
I lifted my head and looked up as I breathed in the cool night air. I was shakin' a little bit like I was going to have some mental breakdown. Wes was right about one thing.. it might be good to talk to someone but it's not like I could. No one knows what it's like.
No one.
Where's soulboy when you need him? And fuck the drink. I need to get laid.
"This isn't going to be easy on you, Faith, and let's face it-- it shouldn't be."
I can't get those words outta my head. It's playing to me again and again like some broken record. I already know it shouldn't be easy for me -- I don't fuckin' deserve it. But I also don't know how to deal with it. Every single time they start scrapin' in me with everything I've done I feel like I'm going to explode. Not like I asked a damn one of 'em to forgive me but it's like everyone prefers to be melodramatic than just offer a hand of help.
I needed a drink.
It was so much easier when I didn't care. Damn it Angel, why didn't you just kill me in the alley like I begged for you to do? Why didn't you give up on me like everyone else?
I sat myself down on the bench and buried my face within my hands. Didn't know where the hell I was.. didn't care. Just thinkin' about all the crap makes me feel like I want to cry.. but I won't. I don't cry. I'm stronger than that. Whoever said that 'crying makes you stronger' is a complete liar because all you get in return is pity and I don't want pity.
Maybe I do.. maybe a little. Is it so bad just to feel like someone cares? Even if they're lyin'? I'd kill to have B look at me one more time like she used to do before shit went down.
I lifted my head and looked up as I breathed in the cool night air. I was shakin' a little bit like I was going to have some mental breakdown. Wes was right about one thing.. it might be good to talk to someone but it's not like I could. No one knows what it's like.
No one.
Where's soulboy when you need him? And fuck the drink. I need to get laid.