once again...
i had a journal like this once upon a time. but i got rid of it, in hopes of ridding myself of my disease. no such luck. so here i am, embracing it full on. its back. the cutting, starving, throwing up, the self loathing, the ugly feeling. i want to be skinny again... and so this is to keep tabs on myself. i'm a swimmer/lifeguard, so figuratively speaking i should be in some sort of good looking shape, but i'm not. i want to weigh 98lbs. thats roughly 18lbs. from where i am now. *sigh* what i really need is a good friend to talk to about everything, someone who understands. i'm the best actor, putting on my fake smile, when deep down i hurt more than anyone will and could ever know. . .
stgw: 110 - by october 7th
ltgw: 98