(no subject)
i cant respond to last night. i think too much and i over analyze everything. im hard on myself because i have to be. because i have amazing friends but they rarely tell me when i mess up. so if i dont continually remind myself when i do something wrong, no one will. i dont not love myself, i just know i can be better. i feel like settling for how i am right now would be a mistake. yes, i have lists of things i want to do, places i want to go, and im a firm believer in exposing myself to as much as i can right now. but that doesnt mean that if you changed/change any of that that you're stopping me from doing what i want. since you said it but took it back last night, then i'll be the first to say im scared. i am scared that im going to make myself completely vulnerable to you and it could be all for nothing. but isnt that always the case? i think liking someone alot always means that you have to decide if giving your all is worth it. i wish you thought i was worth it. i dont feel like this is the easy way. i dont feel like acting how we do, and the feeling i get when im with/talk to you and pushing that away is the easy way. i dont feel like trying to be together is the hard way. yes, it would be hard. but honestly, whats harder? i guess i feel like you look past the little things. things that you've said you don't normally do, and are doing with me. remember when you said you never talk on the phone? and if you do, it wasn't longer than a half hour? or that you wouldnt randomly drive to petoskey for one night? or that you've never done something with a girl and not regretted it? i dont know j. i just feel like either you're lying to me about how you feel, or you're lying to yourself. i know i'm not the perfect girl you've imagined for a girlfriend. i know im not everything you've ever wanted, but take a step back and look at how you're acting, cause it's different than anything you've described to me before. and if all you wanted was a friend, and someone you can talk to, and someone fun to hang out with, then sure, i can be that. but i really dont think this feeling is for nothing. i certainly dont think that kissing you, and that feeling i get from it, comes around very often. i just dont.
im not asking for answers or decisions now. because i know you dont have them.i just think, if you like me as much as you act like it, then let yourself. cause i honestly believe im worth it. and if you dont, then find that out and tell me. no matter what happens with us im always going to be here. as a friend, as a girlfriend, as a person you only talk to when you visit my bro because you have to. i love you jason. (and not in the creepy way.)
im not asking for answers or decisions now. because i know you dont have them.i just think, if you like me as much as you act like it, then let yourself. cause i honestly believe im worth it. and if you dont, then find that out and tell me. no matter what happens with us im always going to be here. as a friend, as a girlfriend, as a person you only talk to when you visit my bro because you have to. i love you jason. (and not in the creepy way.)