final count down
9 days... is scary.
i have 9 days of classes left. and i dont think i am ready to be done.
i am still waiting for that moment when i realize everything is going to be okay..and that it is time to move on. I've been sick since thursday and took the weekend off from drinking. Without alcohol.. there are a lot of people i like a whole lot less. thats sad.
jen and mike came to visit.. i tried to entertain them, even though i felt shitty/tired and wasnt drinking. i feel like i failed. the weekend was okay-but nothing spectaclar. its almost like i bore them...and with mike it is more or less like it pains him to be around me. like physically/emotionally/somehow causes him pain. At points he is sometimes down right mean to me and it just seems off balance when i go out of my way to be so kind and generous to him. I feel like the only two conversations that i had with him all weekend were about how i need to vacuum my floor because its disgusting..and how i am indisive/annoying while we were at the supermarket. honestly- oh and then at lunch when he said he wasn't even going to bother to offer me money because he knew i wouldn't take it. (what happened to thank you for having us stay at your place, or laughing at my idoisincracies or thank you for lunch i really appreciate it.) I just dont get it..
but last night made up for it..hannah's birthday-sober was still fun. especially the dancing! the benefit at casa...was just the blue-grass stomping i needed. i found alex and a few others and talked them into joining us. There was dancing..and laughing and stomping and good conversation. just natural..versus the forced trying to get mike to have fun.
the faster summer is approaching the more i wish-well i dont really know what i wish. i have realized i have little tolerance for people who are rude whether it is intentional or accidental (or just ignorance) i'm debating whether or not it is worth the effort to try to make amends with greta. and i seem to come back to the same point i do with a lot of my so called friends.. i feel like the 'need a good friend' or that they might one day and its my duty to be there for them. I wish i could just convince myself that i need a good friend to..and even though it is nice to be there for people-its not worth it if you know they wont be there for you..or they have so little to offer in return.I have found myself in situations where i am the one asking all the questions/doing all the listening for way to long. I used to think it is just because i have nothing to day, but maybe no one has asked in so long i forget how to speak.
i have 9 days of classes left. and i dont think i am ready to be done.
i am still waiting for that moment when i realize everything is going to be okay..and that it is time to move on. I've been sick since thursday and took the weekend off from drinking. Without alcohol.. there are a lot of people i like a whole lot less. thats sad.
jen and mike came to visit.. i tried to entertain them, even though i felt shitty/tired and wasnt drinking. i feel like i failed. the weekend was okay-but nothing spectaclar. its almost like i bore them...and with mike it is more or less like it pains him to be around me. like physically/emotionally/somehow causes him pain. At points he is sometimes down right mean to me and it just seems off balance when i go out of my way to be so kind and generous to him. I feel like the only two conversations that i had with him all weekend were about how i need to vacuum my floor because its disgusting..and how i am indisive/annoying while we were at the supermarket. honestly- oh and then at lunch when he said he wasn't even going to bother to offer me money because he knew i wouldn't take it. (what happened to thank you for having us stay at your place, or laughing at my idoisincracies or thank you for lunch i really appreciate it.) I just dont get it..
but last night made up for it..hannah's birthday-sober was still fun. especially the dancing! the benefit at casa...was just the blue-grass stomping i needed. i found alex and a few others and talked them into joining us. There was dancing..and laughing and stomping and good conversation. just natural..versus the forced trying to get mike to have fun.
the faster summer is approaching the more i wish-well i dont really know what i wish. i have realized i have little tolerance for people who are rude whether it is intentional or accidental (or just ignorance) i'm debating whether or not it is worth the effort to try to make amends with greta. and i seem to come back to the same point i do with a lot of my so called friends.. i feel like the 'need a good friend' or that they might one day and its my duty to be there for them. I wish i could just convince myself that i need a good friend to..and even though it is nice to be there for people-its not worth it if you know they wont be there for you..or they have so little to offer in return.I have found myself in situations where i am the one asking all the questions/doing all the listening for way to long. I used to think it is just because i have nothing to day, but maybe no one has asked in so long i forget how to speak.