no big deal..
I am starting to wish i had a person....i've never really truly had a person. like the person you can say things to..things you know will sound super stupid and you will regret/ feel dumb saying the instant they leave your mouth. Today i heard greta say something..that i think is the basis of all my problems. ha. she was talking about kevin and her dating-and how it is her first srious relationship. In passing she muttered how it is "kinda a big deal". And it struck me as odd.... i cannot remember the last time i did something..anything that was kind of a big deal. I mean i've done some interesting..exciting stuff and at the time it may have been overwhelming/scary... but i would never outwardly admit to it being a big deal. I am a minimizer... i feel like i am comstantly belittling my accomplishments...and never want to make a stir. for as much as i love to actively be the center of attention. i hate when it is not some contrived game..or dance..or foolish attempt. i guess this really doesn;t make sense.. but i can't remember that last time something was a big deal. and i think i purposely avoid things if i know they are going to cause a scene. i am just stuck at passive.. middle of the road. today i told cana and greta that i am probably going to wait to date someone until jenny is not around-so she won't make a big fuss out of it. I guess 'firsts' are a big deal.. thats why i avoid them. (first boyfriend... ha how long can i keep pushing that one off?) I guess i am sick of watchign everyone else's big deals... ashley expecting a ring..jenny accepting teach for america.. cana and matt at 2 yrs.. hannah having a new crush...all of them big deas. i know me.. i will diminish everything i do.. getting accepted to grad school wont be a big deal, and choosing to move across the country will just be another thing i had/wanted to do. i hate that i am this way...
i went into jenny's room to talk to her.. ir seemed like i was annoying her. she was busy watching house and texting josh. i resolved to coming back into my room.
i went into jenny's room to talk to her.. ir seemed like i was annoying her. she was busy watching house and texting josh. i resolved to coming back into my room.