In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make
( i wouldn't have posted this if i didn't want you to read it, jen.)
it is not an i am in love with you letter. it is a i love you letter. there is a big difference.
you,
i have been staging this conversation in my head for a long time-and it has never happened. tonight i was praying (something that wasn’t happening enough in my life until lately-i joined a group at school and it has been good. Not good in a celebrate kind of these are going to become my best friends kind of way-but good in a challenging, it may be making me a better person kind of way. you see doubt is a funny thing. i'll get to doubt maybe. but as i was saying i was praying for everyone and the celebrates that are coming up and then you. and somewhere i thought a letter would be perfect. not a 'ya whoo hoo make the celebrate weekend letter but a true letter of love. i will start it with:
i am sorry
and i love you.
i guess thats where my problem starts. its all i have ever know how to do-love. here i am loving away. i have always felt it was my duty to let my friends know how much they mean to me. i always wanted to be the one to brighten their days, make them smile, and help them because i have been so blessed. (*see ministry talk 2005-courtney stevens) altruism, does it really exist. i mean of course there was some gain in it for me. strong friendships, but also there have been times when i have been taken advantage of.
when i left for school- a lot changed. its been 3 years-which is crazy. everyone had their own new lives and i wasn't sure where i would fit into these new lives. people went to school, got new jobs, moved across the state, made new friends and new girlfriends. i knew deep down-no matter how any of my friends changed for the better or worse, i would still love them all shamelessly, unconditonally. that is always how our relationship has been. and even when i am away-my closest friends all have a piece of my heart literally-almost in that fucked up sex takes away a piece of your heart kind of way they tell you when they are preaching abstinence. and that first summer when i came home-it hurt. a lot. things were different. i still loved these friends who no longer had a place for me in their lives. and i fought my way back into them. (i gave you a record that summer for your birthday, we were standing in ron's garage. its funny i suck at remembering birthday gifts-this is one of the few i do) but it was like my friends didn't want me there. i couldn't tell if it was resent, because i was the one who left or went so far away or who didnt try hard enough. was i the one who was at fault?-i felt like it. did i talk too much about how i loved school, how i loved life, how i loved my friends old and new? it sure felt that way-but that is how i have always been. they never had a problem with it before. and for once i felt like everyone saw my joy, the joy i so desperately wanted to share with these people i love and hated it. instead my joy was received as arrogant and almost asking for envy. and i was hurt. so hurt.
so i left. went back to my new home. where at least my friends would accept this love i have to give them and i tried to make it work. i tried not to worry about you-who were starting school, moving away from home and obviously so sad somewhere deep inside, just coming out of a relationship and a 40 hr a week routine. or ron who left OU, which was his dream, and i regretted not making him stay. i feel he holds it against me still to this day. or jen who was about to spend 100's of hours commuting to class every week, stuck in boardman miserable. Or jc who seem to have this new false idea that a person needs a girlfriend/boyfriend to validate his or her life. or mark who for as much shit i give him, i really would love to see him make it. but i couldn’t not worry. i love you all too much not to worry. and so i came back to OU and couldn't help but feel despair. these friends i loved so much, who all seemed to be struggling so much. didn't want me. i wanted to help but they didn't want me anymore.
and it was winter and i was home for 6 weeks and they were all too busy and i was gone.
and then i was in spain. and it was the happiest i had ever been. perhaps it is because it was the first truly selfish thing i had done in a long time. (i didn't pick a college for me because i loved it here or i had good friends coming here-i didnt even like OU 3 years ago, i picked it because they gave me the most financial aid which meant i'd be less of a burden for my parents..) it just seemed like everything i did for so long was to please everyone else. to make my mom happy, my dad happy, my friends happy. not to let other people down, not to inconvience others. but spain was different. it was the first thing i had ever done for myself. not to benefit anyone else. and it felt good. and i realized how i have invested so much time caring about these people who seem so non-existent in my life. and i was all alone, with out anyone and i was so happy. i was amazed at how capable i was to get by without any support except for the phone calls to my mom and the occasional message from jenny. and i learned a lot about myself. i gained confidence and a new sense of self-empowerment. life was no longer dull.
and i came home for the summer. and it sucked. it sucked really bad.
1. i realized how selfish i had been while away, how i had lost touch with the people i care about, religion and most importantly what i think is good.
2. i was dealing with a lot, while spain was a nice escape i came home to a family full of problems. an unemployed mom, an injured dad, a feuding family, a dying grandparent, financial burden and the guilt of coming home from a european adventure while my parents were struggling to remorgage the house and had to sell one of their cars(we borrowed a car all summer). and i had no one or it felt like that.
and then i was angry. an emotion i am not use to. one i don't really even understand. here i was. so sad, no one wanted to listen. I had spent the last 3 years of my life caring about these people so much and they weren't there for me. and i was resentful. my friendship had never waivered. I love you unconditionally. i love you all unconditionally and then for the first time i felt alone and that this love i had been sharing was one way. and maybe it is true you all stopped caring about me when i left. or maybe it was not that soon-but at some point it felt like everyone stopped caring about me. and i tried to suck it up. and get over it. and look towards the future and coming back to school in 3 months.
karma is funny. jen’s grandma passed away at the beginning of summer and i went to her house the night of the calling hours to be their for her but didnt actually go to them. ron wanted to and i told him no. i told him i didnt feel comfortable..i am afraid of death. and then i spent my summer at home watching my grandpa die. and all i wanted was you guys there to comfort me. he passed away on august 26.. 2 days before i left to move into my new apartment. all i wanted was you there.. all you guys there. someone i am not afraid to collapse in their arms and cry. unfortunately no one was there....so then i left
and i was numb for a quarter. and drank a lot. Sad, disappointed, my first quarter back at OU since spain and although familiar it wasn’t great. I pissed off my only close friend i have left and decided i needed to change... i stopped drinking-evoking a 2 glass limit for myself. i resolved to come home and be a better person.
i was excited for winter break for the first time in a long time.
and to make up for my summer withdrawal, i decided to try one more time. and i poured my soul into my friends. trying to love you. and all of them. and it was the first time i met resistance.. I had been out with you, ron and jc and you were all so uncomfortable around me. maybe it was a mocha house movie night. you guys no longer welcomed my hugs or kisses, my sitting on your laps or hand holding. you all cringed at my i love you’s i sent your ways. and it hurt even more. Here i am, and have been for 3 years pouring my heart into a friendship that feels so dead. we have no conversation. no one talks about anything except how much life is a drag, how much they hate work, how much they hate YSU. i was so excited to finally talk to you-one night we went to mocha house and it started out good. and i wanted to tell you all this and then matt and kyle showed up and it was a lost cause. i feel like as a whole we spend more time staring at eachother than communicating. I wish so much that we could have grown together instead of apart.
i wanted to make it better. i'd call you 5 times in 3 days to see if you wanted to go to akron with me, and you wouldn’t return my calls. That car ride home from Akron the three of us sat in silence and I couldn’t figure out why there was nothing to say. daily conversations with the rest of the old friends became..hi.. whats up. what are you doing.. nothing.. and tonight. nothing.. oh well call me if something is going on. My last night it boardman people called to carry out the typical routine, but this time i threw in the whole 'i'm leaving in the morning' line. then there was this urgency..i sat at perkins for the most unenjoyable 35 minutes with jc ron and keri. all of them mad i was leaving and hadn't warned them earlier. and then i said it out loud something i have been thinking so long. I am home as much as i am away-why do you guys make it so hard? I spend 5 months in town every year with no obligation other than a petty part time job at some retail store. no classes, no clubs, no volunteering, no studying, no going to the library etc. and i have more time for you guys then i do for my friends at school. it is true. here i am, busy. in class 20 hrs, studying 20 hrs, working, volunteering, and being involved. I have more time to spend with my friends at home than with my school friends. the difference is here people try harder. when you are busy, you tell your friends you are busy. Picking up a phone call and saying 'oh i have a super hard week and plans for this weekend-i'll call you back next week when i have free time' is so much better than ignoring missed calls and not returning messages. There is always the occasional-oh I saw this today, or walked past here today and it made me think of you message.
and then it hit me. had i always been putting in the effort? it felt like i was 95% committed and you all were barely 5. and then i was sad. people warn me i let others use me. actually people point blank tell me i let others take advantage of me. and for the first time i felt it from the people closest to my heart. the ones i loved more than life.. the ones who were my reason for life. and then i hoped it hadn't been this way for ever. i could accept in the last year or so, you all stopped trying. but to think since we met..i had always put in all the effort killed me. i still hope this is not true. Deep down I believe it is not true, but sometimes it is so hard to refute.
so i stopped trying.
i stopped calling.
and so easily you and everyone else disappeared. and i was sad-but i resolved that i had enough things to worry about and shouldn’t spend my time working on friendships with people who didn’t return my love.
so i vowed to stop calling. and i did
it was hard. and i gave in once. when i saw someone who looked like you. my heart jumped and then it was disappointment when it wasnt you. i had to call. you never called back. i didnt expect you to. and then one night keri caught me off guard. drunk she put you on the phone and I refused to talk to you. my exact words we not to friendly, if I recall. i didn’t mean it. i was going to call and apologize and then 2 days went by, and a week went by and it was too late.
and that’s where we are. a short summary of my last three years. but it seems this story is true not just with you, but most of my home friends. i wish it wasn't.
I want you to know how much love you..have and always will. i know its hard to go through life alone and no matter how bad it gets, i am always there. they say the phrase 'unremitting prayer' a lot. i guess i like to think of myself and friendship as unremitting. my love just never ceases. and i could have it all wrong, maybe i love my friends too much. maybe thats why me and serious relationships don't get along. i cant just give all that love to one person-it probably would kill them..or definately be overwhelming. when am i not overwhelming. i agree-it sucks life is not simple anymore more. when me met, the future we used to talk about is NOW. 4 years from junior year of high school. 2004-2008. who knows where four more years will put us. it is complicated and scary. who is going to be in a serious relationship, married, children? living where? and i thought decisions were supposed to get easier the older you get. they dont. or at least in my opinion they dont. More than anything, i just want you to be happy.
for me unconditonally love doesn’t stop. i tried stopping and i just can't do it. it feels to wrong, to selfish, to cruel. unconditional love doesn't cease. i mean where would it go? besides family love, friendship is the only love i have ever known. and its hard, but having you as a friend has been so rewarding and i appreciate you.