(no subject)
So I woke up today and didnt want to do anything. I didnt want to move or open my eyes or get food or breathe or do anything. I dont know. Its just like everything is a huge mess and I don't know what the point of anything is anymore. I just sit in this room every day and every night and go through the motions. Everyone just goes through the motions but for some reason no one else seems to care that its just going through the motions. Yet every night I just sit here and think and write and think about all the things I want to do but cant and all the things I want to be and cant. Its just like as you get older you just lose everything. Theres no detail in life anymore, its just a blur. There are no fine points and no one really believes they can do anything, so they settle with the stability of getting a decent job and going to college to major in some generic area when they very well know theyre just going to get out of college and become the manager of a local retail store. When we were younger we knew everything. We were so sure of it all. You'd wake up in your sunny rich californian house, eat your breakfast and go to school. Then you'd come home to hang out with your friends and everything seemed right. You'd go down the beach and sit on the rocks smoking pot. Just talking about anything for hours. It would just be the four guys, Mike, Bruce, RJ and I and we'd go down under the cliffs to drink at night and talk about everything. We would just sit there and talk bout life, what the point of life was and everything else for that matter. We were just a bunch of intoxicated kids talking about nothing, yet we were the smartest we ever were and ever will be. Then it all changes because you grow up and things happen and it's all gone. You sit on the beach with your friends throwing rocks at crabs and then he gets the phone call. He just gets up and starts running and none of you know whether to follow or not. This is when it all begins, where the end begins. So you get up and run after him because you know you have to, yet you have no idea what awaits at the destination. There are days that change everything forever in everyones life and that must have been our day. Because on that sunny day while we were throwing rocks at helpless animals, his parents crossed the intersection and were killed by a drunk driver. But none of it matters at all because its just you and your friends and theres nothing else happening in the world but you until he gets the phone call and thats when it begins. Thats when its no longer about you and about life, but its about following what everyone else does and going along with the motions. So then he moves away to live with his aunt and you grow older. Mike, Rj, and I would go under the cliffs at night to get drunk and just talk about everything. But everything isnt about life anymore, now its about money and sex and drugs and death. Its like as you get older theres no more passion or faith. Its not about life and innocence, because no one cares to touch on the fine poits anymore. So then your friend kills himself and the sad thing is you knew it was coming but you did nothing. You saw it all along but you didnt make one move or attempt to stop it. Maybe you wanted it to happen or maybe you were just scared. Maybe along with losing innocence and passion you lost your selflessness and common sense as well. But I guess it doesnt really matter because you have to keep moving foward and if you dont, you'll get left behind because no one and nothing stops for anyone. Maybe thats why he did it, he was sick of following and no one waited behind for him to catch up. I guess I'll never know because I was too busy trying to keep my own pace to care. So then your parents move you to London and away from everything you've known. At first you act as if its the most awful thing possible because you know thats what you're supposed to act like. But over time you get over it and continue going through the motions and you dont stop think about whether what youre doing is really want you even want to do or just what you're supposed to do. You dont even realize that everything you're doing is merely being done because its what everyone else is doing and what everyone is telling you to do. So now you live on your own and you dont really have any real close friends but you know that doesnt matter because in the future you'll be going to college with your sweetheart because thats what you're supposed to do. You know you have close friends everywhere else and although it kills you to not have anyone physically with you, you dont voice it because it doesnt matter anymore, no ones going to care anyway. So you continue going through the motions because if you dont then you'll be left behind. But then its times like these that make you think. What is all this for? Why am I even here and what is the point of living unless I'm making a big impact. Maybe I'm just one of those confused teenagers that bitches because they cant find their point in life, or maybe its something more than that. Is it wrong to find everything you're doing pointless? Its as if no one cares anymore or even dares to think about it because it doesnt matter. The fact is you have to keep moving, and you have to go to school and make money and then get married, it doesnt matter if theres a point or not. But how can you do that and feel satisfied when you know there is no point. Maybe thats why I sit in this room everyday writing about nothing because I know there is no point to anything and I have no motivation to do anything else. I don't want to go to college, I dont want to get a job and make money and marry the typical person that would make for a good significant other and decent parent. I dont want to just go through the motions and follow what you're supposed to do. I want to stop going to school and I want to move to some desolate place where the people who know what the point of life is. I want to live in an old drafty stone house in a run down neighborhood on the outskirts of a city where I can think about things and write about what I see and wonder about things. I want to really live life and enjoy it. I want to know that my life has a point and I'm not doing things just because I have to. Everyone could succeed in life by reading the text books and going to college and getting a job and when you think about it its not hard work at all. Its like going on a diet, going on a diet is not hard at all, all you have to do is eat better foods and exercise, its just that people make it hard for themselves because theyre lazy. But I dont want to just go alone with that. I want to be able to think about what I'm doing and do what I really want to do. I want to experience things, and I dont mean experience going to college and going to parties and getting to drunk or something. I want to go to new places that people dont usually go and I want to meet new people and learn about what they do and why. I want to lose everything I have emotionally and physically and work so hard to gain it back only to lose it again. I want to fall in love and then have my heart shattered to a million pieces to a point where I dont even want to open my eyes again, only to meet someone new, fall in love and have them shatter it yet again. I want to fall in love with someone who I can think about things with and who I can look at and just see the focus and concentration on their face. That we can lay in bed all night and talk about the little things that everyone else brushes over. Maybe I could just ramble on all day and no one would try to get what I'm saying or even if they did try, they just dont understand it. Basically I dont see what the point to anything is anymore. I dont feel like I belong here and I feel like I'm just been put here but its too fucked up for me now. I dont see why people complain about what they complain about. I dont see why people bitch and moan about sats or whether they have to read 3 books and take a test all in the same week. I dont see why people complain about reading the books in school, and only read them because they have to, not because they want to. I just dont see what the point is anymore since no one cares about life or passion. No one cares about anything but whats happening to them and if you're dying on the side of the road no one will be care unless it affects them. Its just like everything I do is only because I'm told that its what i'm supposed to do. Maybe I'm just thinking too much into this and the only real point to life is to go to college and get a job and get married. But if thats the case I dont think I can continue this life because I dont want that, it just makes me feel empty. So now what is supposed to happen when the only point to life makes you feel empty. I just dont really know but I guess it doesnt matter anyway because if I dont keep moving foward I'll just fall behind and no one will wait up because thats just the way it goes. So I guess I'll just have to forget this and stop wanting more to life and just continue to pretend this is all that I need to make me feel right. Maybe over time I'll get lost in moving foward again and I'll forget about everything. Hopefully.