Amazing Grace
When I am not in E Villa, I spend late nights in the basement of Western's performing arts building, stuffed in a small overlooked practice room, crammed between forgotten music stands, cymbals and an xylophone, lit by only a dim floor lamp. It is pointed directly at the forlorn keys of my battered piano. I sit there in the semi darkness looking at the illuminated reflection of my hands on the ivory keys and wonder if this is indeed where I was meant to be. I feel most free when I sing alone. I don't want anyone to hear me. Not because the quality is poor, I know I sing much better than I used to. I only needed to find my voice. Leslie was right. Singing is my most selfish pleasure and I do, in fact, sing for personal satisfaction, little else. If the highlight of my day is standing in an empty, cavernous stairwell, feeling the vibrations of the sound I have produced echoing up through the many deserted levels of the floors and through the depths of my body, then that is exactly what I'll do. I sing because it feels good in my throat. I sing because it is the best feeling in the world. I sing because it humbles me. I sing because the voice I hear is my own, and that in itself makes it valuable. It can never be duplicated, as it is not possible. It can never be stolen, even if someone did want it. In its weakest moment, it will be beautiful to me. Not necessarily because it sounds good, but because I own it. Perhaps it is the only thing that has ever felt completely mine. It is my little jar of joy, to covet or to share, but mostly something to smile about; even if there are tears in my eyes. You can use sadness in song. You can give it a shape and a feel. A temperature, a texture, a sound and a style. A humanistic vulnerability and strength. I think someday, I will be able to give this to someone, able to make them experience music as I do. If you could only sit in the dusty corner behind the door, and watch without my knowledge, you would understand.
Hail to the light that my baby watches me
In the darkness of the window
I can hardly get to sleep
Wish for the hour that
The nighttime soon shall pass
And the morning dew will bring us
To a day our souls can last
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Situation candlelight
Enough to see the bits around you
But it's never very bright
Stare at a memory
You, through the grapevine, heard the truth
It's good to learn from your mistakes
But that only works in youth
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Restless minds; curtain calls follow fanfares
Troubled hearts; just a walk down the hall
Restless hearts; you take a punch just to land one
Troubled minds; it's only fair after all
Mountain, the trail, but you've got it in sight
Sometimes the only way is jumping
I hope you're not afraid of heights
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Giving love
Love, love
It's all been good to me
It's all been good to me
Love has reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
I am supposed to be typing my final, as it is due at 2:45, but I wanted to tell you I am happy. I wanted to tell you that the soundtrack of my life is changing. I wanted to tell you that I found my voice again, and it has never sounded better. I wanted to tell you that I didn't find it in or through the love of someone else, but on my own. I wanted to tell you that I can now give. I want to tell you I forgive you for ever making me feel less than I am. I wanted to tell you that I have only become more.
Hail to the light that my baby watches me
In the darkness of the window
I can hardly get to sleep
Wish for the hour that
The nighttime soon shall pass
And the morning dew will bring us
To a day our souls can last
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Situation candlelight
Enough to see the bits around you
But it's never very bright
Stare at a memory
You, through the grapevine, heard the truth
It's good to learn from your mistakes
But that only works in youth
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Restless minds; curtain calls follow fanfares
Troubled hearts; just a walk down the hall
Restless hearts; you take a punch just to land one
Troubled minds; it's only fair after all
Mountain, the trail, but you've got it in sight
Sometimes the only way is jumping
I hope you're not afraid of heights
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Giving love
Love, love
It's all been good to me
It's all been good to me
Love has reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
I am supposed to be typing my final, as it is due at 2:45, but I wanted to tell you I am happy. I wanted to tell you that the soundtrack of my life is changing. I wanted to tell you that I found my voice again, and it has never sounded better. I wanted to tell you that I didn't find it in or through the love of someone else, but on my own. I wanted to tell you that I can now give. I want to tell you I forgive you for ever making me feel less than I am. I wanted to tell you that I have only become more.