Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken...
spots on my lungs, spots on my lungs.
always something new.
i was told there was a spot around my chest, which i got biopsied, sorry that i didnt tell neone, but im tired of these boring biopsy stories. as a matter of fact, they bent the effin needle in my chest while trying to get out what they needed. felt like i got punched in the ribs for two days after that, but figured "hey, its one more step closer. one more step to go..."
WRONG-O
there was the lump in my neck, that was the suspected next step. i took the pills to see if it went down and the size fluxuated. thats a good sign! tumors only get bigger!
Go to the good ol' doc's today, figuring we would focus on my neck, but OH NO! Little Miss Oya has other plans. plans i had NO IDEA about. APPARENTLY now there are spots on my lungs. not just like one or two, BUT SEVERAL. no, i could be wrong, but im pretttty sure that I DONT FUCKING SMOKE FOR THIS REASON... but no, im right, i dont smoke, and it wouldnt be lung cancer, it would still be the same disease. again, IM PRETTY SURE I WAS EXPLAINED THE STEPS EFFIN HODGKINS TAKES! patternish, no? yeah. BUT YOU KNOW ME! im different. its possible it could have spread to an organ, SUCH AS my lungs... Now Little Miss Oya wants to plan a biopsy to get at the crap in my lungs. its not even on the outside, its on the inside. But Little Miss Oya, oh yeah, thats my doctor...huh...IS GOING TO TURKEY! in a couple days or w/e. so I'M getting the bum's rush. shes talking, and im not understanding nething. how can i? this goes against everything i know of hodgkins. its supposed to start at the neck, then work its way down, attacking lymph nodes, then finally effecting organs. the only organs i heard about were the spleen and liver. but she says that could be it. and i ask a simple question and she tells me to ask dr. mcbride. MY SURGEON. well gee doc, i would IF HE WAS THE DOCTOR I WAS SEEING TODAY!!! but no no, i am seeing you today, so TRY to comprehend the fact i need some answers. but no. refer me to the surgeon who can barely fit me in for procedures as it is, and you expect me to just call him up to do effin lunch and CHAT?!?
i walked out.
in tears mind you, with my mom not far behind. my dad and uncle stayed because, welll, god bless them, they have more patience for this crap then i do by now. im tired of having doctors talk about me getting more "treatment". WTF kinda treatment is this IF ITS NOT GOING AWAY? so now, i am left with 50/50 chance of me being healthy or sick. how can you tell someone to go back to skool and act normal, when i had a CAT scan yesterday, a doctors appointment today, a PET CT tomorrow, and god knows when the biopsy is. where does education fit into that? or do you even care? well im tired of this bullcrap, and i want some solid effin answers. and if im sick YET AGAIN, ill be damned if im letting westchester medical touch me.
so i text liza, rena, and david. rena calls me right away and we talked till i got to the suffern exit, but i was almost home, and on the verge of hysterics, so i had to go. i just want to text someone or see my cousin. well liza calls like an hour later, and because of her obnoxious 7th graders and a STAC adjunct professor meeting, she couldnt come over. and david just never bothered to text me back.
why is it that air comes so hard at these moments?
why is it that every single thought that enters your head is yet another worry, another pound added to the weight that already exists on your tired shoulders? all i could do is get medicated. today i found out that valium is my friend. Mr.Valium and me now have a relationship much like one of a person and their shrink. when life gets to be too much and i have one of my panic attacks, i turn to him to calm me down. granted, i have only taken this once, but at least they FINALLY gave me a setitive that worked! they gave me some one milligram shiz that they tryed giving me in the hospital. it worked like twice, then my body was just like "HUH! THIS IS LIKE AN EFFIN SKITTLE!" well im sure my body didnt exactly say that, but you know what i mean. i swear, i know ppl that take xanex cause of like a break up, and i cant even get nething more than like TYLONOL when im freaking out about whether i might have cancer for a THIRD TIME. I'm just soooo tired of hearing "we're gunna beat this." cause its like, really? my body seems to think otherwise, tonto! i pray to my grandfathers and papa that this is just scar tissue from radiation.
they're so right.
It's not the disease that hurts. It's the cure.
im going to go try and maybe sleep.
always something new.
i was told there was a spot around my chest, which i got biopsied, sorry that i didnt tell neone, but im tired of these boring biopsy stories. as a matter of fact, they bent the effin needle in my chest while trying to get out what they needed. felt like i got punched in the ribs for two days after that, but figured "hey, its one more step closer. one more step to go..."
WRONG-O
there was the lump in my neck, that was the suspected next step. i took the pills to see if it went down and the size fluxuated. thats a good sign! tumors only get bigger!
Go to the good ol' doc's today, figuring we would focus on my neck, but OH NO! Little Miss Oya has other plans. plans i had NO IDEA about. APPARENTLY now there are spots on my lungs. not just like one or two, BUT SEVERAL. no, i could be wrong, but im pretttty sure that I DONT FUCKING SMOKE FOR THIS REASON... but no, im right, i dont smoke, and it wouldnt be lung cancer, it would still be the same disease. again, IM PRETTY SURE I WAS EXPLAINED THE STEPS EFFIN HODGKINS TAKES! patternish, no? yeah. BUT YOU KNOW ME! im different. its possible it could have spread to an organ, SUCH AS my lungs... Now Little Miss Oya wants to plan a biopsy to get at the crap in my lungs. its not even on the outside, its on the inside. But Little Miss Oya, oh yeah, thats my doctor...huh...IS GOING TO TURKEY! in a couple days or w/e. so I'M getting the bum's rush. shes talking, and im not understanding nething. how can i? this goes against everything i know of hodgkins. its supposed to start at the neck, then work its way down, attacking lymph nodes, then finally effecting organs. the only organs i heard about were the spleen and liver. but she says that could be it. and i ask a simple question and she tells me to ask dr. mcbride. MY SURGEON. well gee doc, i would IF HE WAS THE DOCTOR I WAS SEEING TODAY!!! but no no, i am seeing you today, so TRY to comprehend the fact i need some answers. but no. refer me to the surgeon who can barely fit me in for procedures as it is, and you expect me to just call him up to do effin lunch and CHAT?!?
i walked out.
in tears mind you, with my mom not far behind. my dad and uncle stayed because, welll, god bless them, they have more patience for this crap then i do by now. im tired of having doctors talk about me getting more "treatment". WTF kinda treatment is this IF ITS NOT GOING AWAY? so now, i am left with 50/50 chance of me being healthy or sick. how can you tell someone to go back to skool and act normal, when i had a CAT scan yesterday, a doctors appointment today, a PET CT tomorrow, and god knows when the biopsy is. where does education fit into that? or do you even care? well im tired of this bullcrap, and i want some solid effin answers. and if im sick YET AGAIN, ill be damned if im letting westchester medical touch me.
so i text liza, rena, and david. rena calls me right away and we talked till i got to the suffern exit, but i was almost home, and on the verge of hysterics, so i had to go. i just want to text someone or see my cousin. well liza calls like an hour later, and because of her obnoxious 7th graders and a STAC adjunct professor meeting, she couldnt come over. and david just never bothered to text me back.
why is it that air comes so hard at these moments?
why is it that every single thought that enters your head is yet another worry, another pound added to the weight that already exists on your tired shoulders? all i could do is get medicated. today i found out that valium is my friend. Mr.Valium and me now have a relationship much like one of a person and their shrink. when life gets to be too much and i have one of my panic attacks, i turn to him to calm me down. granted, i have only taken this once, but at least they FINALLY gave me a setitive that worked! they gave me some one milligram shiz that they tryed giving me in the hospital. it worked like twice, then my body was just like "HUH! THIS IS LIKE AN EFFIN SKITTLE!" well im sure my body didnt exactly say that, but you know what i mean. i swear, i know ppl that take xanex cause of like a break up, and i cant even get nething more than like TYLONOL when im freaking out about whether i might have cancer for a THIRD TIME. I'm just soooo tired of hearing "we're gunna beat this." cause its like, really? my body seems to think otherwise, tonto! i pray to my grandfathers and papa that this is just scar tissue from radiation.
they're so right.
It's not the disease that hurts. It's the cure.
im going to go try and maybe sleep.