you can have it all, my empire of dirt...

[_whats3rnam3_]

Ok, so really, whats wrong with me? Why can't I learn from my mistakes, my numerous mistakes??? why can't i keep friends? Is this something that resides in me? why do i fall for the same people and the same acts and the same lines time after time? why do i fool for the same smile and wit and charm every single time? i slip in this landslide and its like im drowning in emotions and no one is there to help pull me out. Why do i let the people that "care" for me hurt me this way time after time. Why am i so trusting? why do i car? why am i the way i am? will i ever be anything but hurt because i am this way? am i actually self destructive? do i know what will happen and do it anyway to hurt myself? is this all done by my own hand? do i have a say? do i pass up chances to take charge and save myself? i work so hard, for the past two years all i DO is work, mentally and physically, i cant see straight anymore, but still i work. i work to make people think im this happy, perfect person, i work to keep this all up. i work to make others happy. i work to avoid confrontation, and to please others. why cant i stand up and handle things? maybe im tired... i have fought long and hard on a whole nother battle, while had to be fought, i had no choice. and now, it looks like the end, but im still constantly fighting, and working, and trying. does it ever get easier? will i ever find a friend that will stay forever? will i ever find a guy that loves me and won't hurt me? do i attract the type of guys that do those things? is this my fault? have i ignored the rest? dammit, y can i not be content. i think its due to getting yelled at every single day of my life. no matter what i do to try and please her, nothing works...theres always something i can be doing better, always one more thing that would have made it perfect, but cant go back now. and him. im invisible to him. i live her, im of him, but i am not a son. i am not HIS SON. i am not a screw up. i dont not ignore him. i do not come around when it is convieniant for me. i remember his birthdays. i tell him i love him. but i dont work on cars. i do live here. im the one he raised, im not the one who met his little sister when he was 16, and desided to not be apart of her life. im not the one that can talk about "guy stuff". im not the one that is selfish and thinks only of him self. I AM NOT MALE. I AM NOT A SON! I WILL NEVER EVER BE THE SON. the son you so lovingly chase, like a dumb cat, only to be shooed away everytime you get near. Is it my fault you got to be there as i grew, and not him? must i suffer? cant you for once love me the way you love him?
no.
he is guilty of absolutely nothing in your eyes.i am the good one at home that you dont have to think, much less worry about.
and i am tired.
tired of all of this. tired of them, of her, of him, of everything. my greedy, inconsiderate, hurtful family. certain friends that forget ALL that we have been thru, all that i have done, how i care.... treat me like crap. but hopefully when im gone, they will realize how nice it was to have an old friend you could tell anything. to have someone that accepted you totally, and took whatever u threw at her. maybe you'll learn. i hope.

i just cant wait till i get back in skool, so my birthday comes, so i get a job, i buy a car, i drive away to college...i dont look back.