Making the wrong choices...

[wicked_xand]

Andrew. And me. Andrew and me in a, no, next to a bed and then...no. It, I was in shock. I was drunk, I was not myself and it could not...should not have happened. That was in no way okay, allowed, or appreciated. But that begs the question...who initiated? Had I made the move? Had he just taken advantage? Why can't I just forget about it? Although

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[andrew_sidekick]

After our little talk, Faith and I went our seperate ways. Mostly because of the fact that a munch of vamps showed up as we were walking back to the hotel. As much as I professed that I could take care of myself, as seen before when I took out one of those blood-sucking feinds, Faith quickly reminded me that five, was more than one. Therefore, I quickly ran before any of them saw me.

But as I was walking home I couldn't help but return to the memory of what had occured earlier that night. I mean, Faith and I pretty much denounced the male gender in total, but back there in the coffee shop I could've have saw something in Xander's eyes...either he was extremely sorry or...

Oh I don't know.

Part of me wanted to just hang myself and die a slow painful death than finnd out how Xander really feels. I couldnt go through it again...I couldn't find out the truth and cry myself to sleep again. That was the old me, and I won't have it.

But on the flipside, I have to know...or else I'll go crazy!! well....crazier than I already am....god why does things have to be so crazy! We were drunk! We got a little too excited thats all it was...but still...it could be something more...

I have to know...

I went striaght to the hyperion not stopping along the way...went upstairs to Xander's room and knocked on the door as my heart rate accelerated to a dangerous level.

"Um, Xander..its me...Andrew."

God help me...

[wicked_xand]

Not five minutes into my planning there was a knock at my door. Now, I knew that I had four people in the whole world who I'd want to be behind that door. But with the voice came the realization that it was not only one of those people but a person currently on my not to speak to list. Well, I guess Andrew hadn't read the list. And I can't just say nothing, he obviously saw me come up the stairs. Shit.

"Yeah..." Uhh, what now? I agknowledged him. Sigh. "Come in." Ok, to look older and more mature. I set my pad down on the night table to my right and laid back, my hands behind my head and realized that I just looked extremely relaxed. Fine, whatever. As the door opened and Andrew stepped in I think I aquired a clinical shortness of breath. No, really...these breaths? Were ungodly short.

I needed to say, something. But that was it. There was nothing I could say that would unawkward this moment and even end this moment because he, was standing right there and I was, laying right here. I swear to all that is geekdom that my throat was closing up. No sound could be heard and yet I felt completely fine and I wasn't dying. Damn you Andrew. Stay away from people who are drunk and grieving. Well, I wasn't drunk now was I? So, whatever is said I can control my actions.

My thoughts switched back to the thing that happened between us and I couldn't get it out of my head. Andrew and I kissing, him undressing, I undressing...there was mutual undressing and then his mouth...and my...fuck. Why did it have to feel so good and wrong at the same time? I know I'm not gay and I think Anya would kill me if she knew what had happened. So, for her sake...and my sexuality's sake, and of course my high school rep's sake (whatever rep I had there) I couldn't do it again. Couldn't give into the feeling because once upon a time Buffy gave into feelings for Spike and look where that ended up.

Bottom line Andy, no fucking way.

[andrew_sidekick]

As I heard him give me permission to open the door I hesitated for a second and thought about just turning around and headed back to my room and forgetting this ever happened. But I knew I had to face this...otherwise it would haunt me for the rest of my unnatural life.

I slowly opened the door, my heart beating a million beats per second and I saw him relaxing on the bed with his arms above his head which completel caught me off guard and I flashed back to the other night when all of it happened.

I couldn't help it, recaps of him kissing me, groping me, undressing me...

""Uhh, thanks. Look Andrew, I think...I think you should go."

Thats what he said to me after we....after...

I couldn't help but gasp a little after rememberingn it, but I had to focis on what I was here to do in the first place. He didn't say anything...not that I expected him to, he had nothing to lose. I on the other had everything to do. I was pissed off, yet at the same time I couldn't control myself and I wanted on him again. But I knew that in this reality, booze or no booze that it would never happen again, and I would just have to accept that.

I tried to think of what to say...I'm a watcher now and I had to sound intellegent, mature and capable of handling this situation.

"Who the hell do you think you are!"

Nice job Wells...really mature. Oh well, might as well go with it. "You think you can just do that to me...kick me out of your room, then all of a sudden walk into a coffee shop and give me some bullshit explanation about what happened and expect there to be no hard feelings?

I stopped for a little bed to catch my breath. I can't beleive all that came out of my mouth...but it was the truth. And he had to accept that.

[wicked_xand]

I couldn't believe I had actually let him come into my room after all that had happened. Wait, not all. Just...what had happened. Not alot happened. Right? God, everything was blurring. First I can't remember who had initiated and now I don't know what happened? This was going well.

"What do you want?"

I was annoyed. And I made no effort in hiding that fact, But his next words surprised me. They were assertive and...shocking. Fuck you Andrew! No, you don't get to be that guy. Because you're not ok? Realizing this was all said in my head I regrouped.

"Who the hell am I?" There we go. A question to a question. Oh, I know. "I know who I am. I'm not a person who takes advantage of people who have had too much to drink." I knew it was a low blow. It was probabally the lowest. But he was not pinning this on me. I tried apologizing and I tried to forgive and forget but if that's not happening...

"Nice that you finally grew a pair Andrew. It just...mm...wasn't good timing." OK, now I was just being full on bastard-man. Then again I was used to it. If you leave a girl at the altar from whatever reason I believe that you can do anything. And I could. I did not have time to play crush with Andrew. I was even channeling Cordy. She'd be so proud.

[andrew_sidekick]

I stood there...shocked. Completely shocked. This was not the Xander I knew...the Xander who I talked to while I was tied up and being held prisoner in Buffy's house. The same Xander who had it in him not to blame me for Anya's death.

Who was this? Cause whoever it was, I didn't like him.

"Think again you bastard, you were the one who took adavantage of me! You were the one who offered me the alchohol and seduced me knowing full well that I had a thing for you. Just because you were drunk as hell and probally the biggest closet case I've ever seen, does not give you the priviledge to play the victim. Cause that role has already been taken."

This was not happening. How dare he try to make it out to seem like he was the one who was taken advantage of?

"I don't know what hurts more, the fact that you used me, or you're being a jack-off about it. But whatever the reason, I hope you take the time to grow the hell up pretty soon."

But what he said after that hurt me the most, so much that....

I had no words to say.

I went up to him and slapped him harder than I ever hit anyone or anything in my life, and started to tear up a little. But I wouldn't allow myself to let him see me go there. I slowly turned around and gatherd myself. Without turning back around and facing the person that was number one on my hate list next to Warren, I said...

"Go to hell."

Okay, so not the most effective, but it was what I was feeling at the moment...

I stormed out without a word. May God have mercy on anyone who decided to stop to me on the way out.

[wicked_xand]

"Excuse me?!" His words caught me off guard...more then anyone's had my whole life. Not even when he told me Anya had perished back in Sunnydale. Because that's who he was hoarding in on. Did he think he could compare to her? Or even Cordy? Never mind the fact that both of my past important ex girl friends were dead.

Wait, no. I...him? He didn't...me? That coudn't be. It just...couldn't I may have offered him alcohol and told him to go to my room but I had no other intentions other then continuing to get smashed off my gourde and have a drink with a pseudo friend. Maybe things got a little friendly but he had to take into account that I was currently grieving. I guess he didn't get that. Fine, but don't cry to me.

And then...

Fuck. No. He slapped me. And not just that. He slapped the shit out of me. His face showed hurt and betrayal as he turned and exited my room slamming my door. What. The. Fuck. That just...that isn't cool. How dare he slap me. I don't care if I blew him off after...what happened but he obviously had to get that what happened was a mistake.

I don't care what he thought but it was. It wasn't meant to be and it wasn't repressed in the past. It was never there. I guess he didn't get that. I had every mind to just punch him back but then I wouldn't be able to return from that. Any redemption I could've had from this situation would've been lost. At least this way I was the bad one night stand who didn't call back, instead of the psychopathic fuck he had that one time.

Fuck. I needed to find somebody. Not to spar with, but to kick the shit out of. Training room here I come. When I'm done with that punching bag...