..Can I be made whole again?..
I've been listening to Jennifer Knapp all last night and all this morning..it's put me in a rather good mood.
Things have been up and down...but overall, not that bad. I'm lost in visions and memories of the past, letting them effect me too much. Wondering if I'll ever feel home again, if I'll have a chance to see my house once more before it's lost forever in the uncaring hands that it will fall into, unaware of what has happened inside those walls. All the tears, all the love, the unending stories, the amazing realizations, that one time Luke almost lit my hair on fire and I swatted him in the face with the towel, the valentines day kiss on my bed in the black light, how the wall was put up so my brothers wouldn't have to deal with me, the drugs done in the garage, how eddie pee'd in the corner behind my bed when she was a baby, how my parents let me sleep in their bed after I would have nightmares, that one phone call that changed my life; locked away bleeding on myself in my bed for days at a time. The memories will never fade away, but somehow, I know that house will never mean more to anyone else that may live in it. Things change and it's unsettling, disconcerting, but change is inevidible. I sat and listened to Hannah Fogel tell me last night how proud of me she is and how she sees me as such a strong person...I still reject that view of myself for some reason or another. I want to pick up my guitar and play worship songs...I've decided that some things are more important than others.
I got asked out, and gracefully declined. There are certain things more important than others. My life has a sort of wonderful stability about it right now. Wake up, get dressed, read on the bus to work, catch up on emails before first circle, teach, tutor, AA meeting, home, shower, make lunch, go to sleep. I like it that way....Stability doesn't have to be boring...so much happens in any given day, some things make me grateful for being alive, some make me want to die, some moments are exciting, and some are peaceful...I read a lot, and talk enough, am educated on what's going on in the world and educating many others..making a fucking difference [and as my teamlet will tell you, eating a shit load of food while doing it]
xx
Harmony is beautiful. Inhalers + not smoking cigarettes = Joy having a voice again at some point. Let's do it bitches.
Things have been up and down...but overall, not that bad. I'm lost in visions and memories of the past, letting them effect me too much. Wondering if I'll ever feel home again, if I'll have a chance to see my house once more before it's lost forever in the uncaring hands that it will fall into, unaware of what has happened inside those walls. All the tears, all the love, the unending stories, the amazing realizations, that one time Luke almost lit my hair on fire and I swatted him in the face with the towel, the valentines day kiss on my bed in the black light, how the wall was put up so my brothers wouldn't have to deal with me, the drugs done in the garage, how eddie pee'd in the corner behind my bed when she was a baby, how my parents let me sleep in their bed after I would have nightmares, that one phone call that changed my life; locked away bleeding on myself in my bed for days at a time. The memories will never fade away, but somehow, I know that house will never mean more to anyone else that may live in it. Things change and it's unsettling, disconcerting, but change is inevidible. I sat and listened to Hannah Fogel tell me last night how proud of me she is and how she sees me as such a strong person...I still reject that view of myself for some reason or another. I want to pick up my guitar and play worship songs...I've decided that some things are more important than others.
I got asked out, and gracefully declined. There are certain things more important than others. My life has a sort of wonderful stability about it right now. Wake up, get dressed, read on the bus to work, catch up on emails before first circle, teach, tutor, AA meeting, home, shower, make lunch, go to sleep. I like it that way....Stability doesn't have to be boring...so much happens in any given day, some things make me grateful for being alive, some make me want to die, some moments are exciting, and some are peaceful...I read a lot, and talk enough, am educated on what's going on in the world and educating many others..making a fucking difference [and as my teamlet will tell you, eating a shit load of food while doing it]
xx
Harmony is beautiful. Inhalers + not smoking cigarettes = Joy having a voice again at some point. Let's do it bitches.