..Fuck..
I'm scared. I loathe that feeling of fear. I want to cry, but I'm all dried up. Listening to this CD, I had to buy it again because I left it in her car and she said that it was hers, which of course makes sense because everything I bought was with her money. *sigh* I'm thinking about the streets that I know like the back of my hands and the fact that I know I will be far too attatched to them and I'll feel ripped away when I have to come back here.
I'm thinking about my best friend, about how her blonde hair glistens in the sun and how she always smells like lilu and marlboros, how her hugs feel, and how embarassed I get when we drive around listening to fucking CELINE DION. I'm thinking about her red hair, how it's been years since I've seen it, standing in the back area in the sun "oh sun, sun, sun", about the graceful way her body moves and the sound of her voice that I've also gone too long without hearing, how I promised to call and didn't and how that'll be one of the first things I do when I get to california. I'm thinking about the wild blue and green hair, one of the most comfortable beds I've ever slept in, chain smoking and listening to Frou Frou and Counting Crows, watching family guy and letting my eyes sleepily close in the comfort of her being so close, how her lips move when she smokes, and how I like to watch her without her knowledge. [creepy?]. I'm thinking about how I drew pictures of Charlie and my family and taped them up in the dogloo, how when I found them years later still taped up they were covered in drool spots, I'm thinking of how I used to crawl inside his little house and curl up, I smelled the distinct scent of his fur and smiled at the thought that he was always there to protect me. I'm thinking of the morning I got the call from my parents at the vet, how much Stephanie and I cried, how she drove me there and they put his still, ice cold body on the table, covered in a towel so that we could say goodbye, I hadn't the courage to go before. I wish I had. I'm thinking about the train tracks, how they were all stoned that one day and she pushed me off and I punched her. I'm thinking about my brother sitting in the green plastic chair in the backyard, listening to that song that I just "HAD TO HEAR" singing along as I made a video of it on my digital camera. I'm thinking about that room, that room I connected so well with him in, the music that played off the great sound system, the guitar playing and me taping him without him knowing, the look on his face, his gorgeous smile. I'm thinking about my broken heart that night I called, drunk and blacking out, not sure of what I said, but obviously it must have been bad, I haven't heard from him in over a month. I'm thinking about how grateful I am to be where I am. I'm thinking about how much I DON'T miss sitting in the plaza with a water bottle full of brandy and a corset and lipstick on, trying to look mysterious and all the while wanting to drown in liquour. I'm thinking about those nights just sitting by myself, drunk in the alley, or on the steps in "paris", I'm thinking about how I don't miss it, but instead I miss the simplicity of the time, how easy it was to not have any repsonsibility. I'm thinking of how you came and made me dinner when I was sick, sad, or scared on my couch, the secret kisses and the rooftop with the sunset, guitar and your voice that saved my life and changed my mind. I'm thinking about the incredible affect certain individuals have had on my life and how amazing a simple connection between two people can be and how deep it can run even if you haven't talked to them in years or even if things have somehow turned negative and you no longer speak because of that.
I'm thinking about life.
Life is beautiful. The world is an amazing place, and I wouldn't trade any experience for anything.
I'm thinking about California, it's no longer home, maybe someday it won't be scarey to think of going back. Maybe someday I'll be well established and feel like I belong somewhere. But until then, I'll enjoy what I have now.
Let me say this:
Save the mother fuckin' rainforest BITCH
p.s.
WTNC spreading coast to coast
and I AM the undisputed world's greatest ultimate cage fighter champion. I killed 3 eskimos and you don't wanna fuck with me, I trained naked in the snow and in 10 layers of wool clothing in the desert, I'm fat and muscly and you don't wanna mess. [i.e. Chris, you will go down, you will lose...but drink lots of tea and get better now, because you need your rest, fighting me will be the largest challange of your entire life...BRING IT]
I'm thinking about my best friend, about how her blonde hair glistens in the sun and how she always smells like lilu and marlboros, how her hugs feel, and how embarassed I get when we drive around listening to fucking CELINE DION. I'm thinking about her red hair, how it's been years since I've seen it, standing in the back area in the sun "oh sun, sun, sun", about the graceful way her body moves and the sound of her voice that I've also gone too long without hearing, how I promised to call and didn't and how that'll be one of the first things I do when I get to california. I'm thinking about the wild blue and green hair, one of the most comfortable beds I've ever slept in, chain smoking and listening to Frou Frou and Counting Crows, watching family guy and letting my eyes sleepily close in the comfort of her being so close, how her lips move when she smokes, and how I like to watch her without her knowledge. [creepy?]. I'm thinking about how I drew pictures of Charlie and my family and taped them up in the dogloo, how when I found them years later still taped up they were covered in drool spots, I'm thinking of how I used to crawl inside his little house and curl up, I smelled the distinct scent of his fur and smiled at the thought that he was always there to protect me. I'm thinking of the morning I got the call from my parents at the vet, how much Stephanie and I cried, how she drove me there and they put his still, ice cold body on the table, covered in a towel so that we could say goodbye, I hadn't the courage to go before. I wish I had. I'm thinking about the train tracks, how they were all stoned that one day and she pushed me off and I punched her. I'm thinking about my brother sitting in the green plastic chair in the backyard, listening to that song that I just "HAD TO HEAR" singing along as I made a video of it on my digital camera. I'm thinking about that room, that room I connected so well with him in, the music that played off the great sound system, the guitar playing and me taping him without him knowing, the look on his face, his gorgeous smile. I'm thinking about my broken heart that night I called, drunk and blacking out, not sure of what I said, but obviously it must have been bad, I haven't heard from him in over a month. I'm thinking about how grateful I am to be where I am. I'm thinking about how much I DON'T miss sitting in the plaza with a water bottle full of brandy and a corset and lipstick on, trying to look mysterious and all the while wanting to drown in liquour. I'm thinking about those nights just sitting by myself, drunk in the alley, or on the steps in "paris", I'm thinking about how I don't miss it, but instead I miss the simplicity of the time, how easy it was to not have any repsonsibility. I'm thinking of how you came and made me dinner when I was sick, sad, or scared on my couch, the secret kisses and the rooftop with the sunset, guitar and your voice that saved my life and changed my mind. I'm thinking about the incredible affect certain individuals have had on my life and how amazing a simple connection between two people can be and how deep it can run even if you haven't talked to them in years or even if things have somehow turned negative and you no longer speak because of that.
I'm thinking about life.
Life is beautiful. The world is an amazing place, and I wouldn't trade any experience for anything.
I'm thinking about California, it's no longer home, maybe someday it won't be scarey to think of going back. Maybe someday I'll be well established and feel like I belong somewhere. But until then, I'll enjoy what I have now.
Let me say this:
Save the mother fuckin' rainforest BITCH
p.s.
WTNC spreading coast to coast
and I AM the undisputed world's greatest ultimate cage fighter champion. I killed 3 eskimos and you don't wanna fuck with me, I trained naked in the snow and in 10 layers of wool clothing in the desert, I'm fat and muscly and you don't wanna mess. [i.e. Chris, you will go down, you will lose...but drink lots of tea and get better now, because you need your rest, fighting me will be the largest challange of your entire life...BRING IT]