(no subject)
so, here i am again. i am going to give this a try. i had um, an "episode" last week and i feel like maybe i need to put my thoughts down on "paper".
so, last monday...went to work. i really did not want to. but you know whatever, that happens a lot, right? except after being at work for 10 minutes, i started to cry. not just a little cry but great, racking sobs. why? i believe i had awakened with the realization that i had no identity outside of starbucks. this is turn, made me hate starbucks. and this was why i was crying.
"so what" you say? everyone hates their job. big deal.
yes, big FUCKING deal.
the problem here? i actually love my job. LOVE IT. and i did it to myself. not only do i spend more time at work than i ought to, but i also do a lot of work at home and i also do a lot of extra-curricular starbucks things on the side of that, AS WELL. i am obsessed, you see?
i've lost a lot in the name of starbucks. any thing church related. i may as well not even call myself a christian (i am, though) as i barely practice any christianity. i used to play the guitar and write crappy songs. i used to be a photographer. i used to write. i used to travel or spend my spare time planning travel. i used to be an athlete. now, i am too tired from all of my starbucks activities to do anything but sit on the couch and watch tv. i fucking hate tv. i want ALL of this back.
and i will take it back.
i took the week off of work, just to calm myself (i spent the entirety of monday crying and the rest of the week feeling anxiety anytime someone mentioned the word starbucks). i go back tomorrow, and i have a lot of anxiety about it. just writing that sentence made my chest tighten.
i worry now that a promotion will be impossible for me. J&J (the bossmen) know all about my little meltdown and are understandably worried. i do hope they realize this is not about my inability to cope with tasks and changes, but my inability to cope with my own addictive personality.
but i can do this. i can work here and i can still like it. heck i think it would be okay to still love it. all i have to do is the following:
get involved with church - actually make friends there instead of coming late and ducking out early every third sunday. read the bible. make it make sense. pray with mickey.
plan a trip to italy. maybe take italian lessons before then.
start writing here again, just to make sure that all the bad thoughts get out of my head.
spend less time at work (solid 40 hours, no more).
spend less time at home doing work stuff (i'm sure my husband will appreciate that).
go for walks, take pictures.
get into shape, lose 40 pounds.
it doesn't seem like a lot. i think i can. i just need someone to hold me accountable.
so, last monday...went to work. i really did not want to. but you know whatever, that happens a lot, right? except after being at work for 10 minutes, i started to cry. not just a little cry but great, racking sobs. why? i believe i had awakened with the realization that i had no identity outside of starbucks. this is turn, made me hate starbucks. and this was why i was crying.
"so what" you say? everyone hates their job. big deal.
yes, big FUCKING deal.
the problem here? i actually love my job. LOVE IT. and i did it to myself. not only do i spend more time at work than i ought to, but i also do a lot of work at home and i also do a lot of extra-curricular starbucks things on the side of that, AS WELL. i am obsessed, you see?
i've lost a lot in the name of starbucks. any thing church related. i may as well not even call myself a christian (i am, though) as i barely practice any christianity. i used to play the guitar and write crappy songs. i used to be a photographer. i used to write. i used to travel or spend my spare time planning travel. i used to be an athlete. now, i am too tired from all of my starbucks activities to do anything but sit on the couch and watch tv. i fucking hate tv. i want ALL of this back.
and i will take it back.
i took the week off of work, just to calm myself (i spent the entirety of monday crying and the rest of the week feeling anxiety anytime someone mentioned the word starbucks). i go back tomorrow, and i have a lot of anxiety about it. just writing that sentence made my chest tighten.
i worry now that a promotion will be impossible for me. J&J (the bossmen) know all about my little meltdown and are understandably worried. i do hope they realize this is not about my inability to cope with tasks and changes, but my inability to cope with my own addictive personality.
but i can do this. i can work here and i can still like it. heck i think it would be okay to still love it. all i have to do is the following:
get involved with church - actually make friends there instead of coming late and ducking out early every third sunday. read the bible. make it make sense. pray with mickey.
plan a trip to italy. maybe take italian lessons before then.
start writing here again, just to make sure that all the bad thoughts get out of my head.
spend less time at work (solid 40 hours, no more).
spend less time at home doing work stuff (i'm sure my husband will appreciate that).
go for walks, take pictures.
get into shape, lose 40 pounds.
it doesn't seem like a lot. i think i can. i just need someone to hold me accountable.