BLACKOUT
and so...
yes, as of now, well, a bit ago i suppose. i have no more feelings. i'm so spent and drained and all. i don't even think that this is the right way of expressing myself, but maybe it is the only way i know how. i've tried. i really have. last night was way too much thinking for me. i sat in an empty car in the pouring rain listening to music for what felt like an eternity. it was good though, considering i got time i usually would not have given myself. i push way too many things aside. then all of a sudden they all boil up and i can't control what i do or say i just start talking and talking. everything comes out and at the moment, i can only talk to one person it seems. if it weren't for him, i wouldn't do anything.
today i thought maybe, just maybe things might get better. the plan did not work out. now i'm back at home. george had to work and everyone is home. i don't know what to do. i'm serously tired. i can't take it, but i know i have to. damnit. i don't try to say things i try to be sensitive, sometimes its too much. i say things without thinking. everyone knows that. i'm not saying its ok. but there is so much i hold inside. its crap. its stupid. it feels horrible. it makes me feel almost worthless. if i am to cause pain to anyone i care for, i can't fix it. whats done is done. i thought i could move on. i had no idea it would have an effect for this long. sometimes i say things i care about and feelings are not returned. i'll get blown off like it doesn't matter because i guess i am not worth paying attention to at the moment. i'm tired of only knowing for sure that one person is there for me and most of the time i really want someone else to care
[i rang your doorbell twice today. a woman came to the door. you weren't home. i looked at her and said thanks. then she closed the door and i threw my purse across the lawn. now i feel stupid. it was worth a shot, but its alright. there are other days.]
life is strange. i don't forget. i wanted to make time. i wanted to try. i wanted to know. i wanted to apologize, but didn't know why.
yes, as of now, well, a bit ago i suppose. i have no more feelings. i'm so spent and drained and all. i don't even think that this is the right way of expressing myself, but maybe it is the only way i know how. i've tried. i really have. last night was way too much thinking for me. i sat in an empty car in the pouring rain listening to music for what felt like an eternity. it was good though, considering i got time i usually would not have given myself. i push way too many things aside. then all of a sudden they all boil up and i can't control what i do or say i just start talking and talking. everything comes out and at the moment, i can only talk to one person it seems. if it weren't for him, i wouldn't do anything.
today i thought maybe, just maybe things might get better. the plan did not work out. now i'm back at home. george had to work and everyone is home. i don't know what to do. i'm serously tired. i can't take it, but i know i have to. damnit. i don't try to say things i try to be sensitive, sometimes its too much. i say things without thinking. everyone knows that. i'm not saying its ok. but there is so much i hold inside. its crap. its stupid. it feels horrible. it makes me feel almost worthless. if i am to cause pain to anyone i care for, i can't fix it. whats done is done. i thought i could move on. i had no idea it would have an effect for this long. sometimes i say things i care about and feelings are not returned. i'll get blown off like it doesn't matter because i guess i am not worth paying attention to at the moment. i'm tired of only knowing for sure that one person is there for me and most of the time i really want someone else to care
[i rang your doorbell twice today. a woman came to the door. you weren't home. i looked at her and said thanks. then she closed the door and i threw my purse across the lawn. now i feel stupid. it was worth a shot, but its alright. there are other days.]
life is strange. i don't forget. i wanted to make time. i wanted to try. i wanted to know. i wanted to apologize, but didn't know why.