let the rain come
its 11:30 or so at the moment.
i dont know what made me search UCLA or the University of Chicago. Maybe somewhere in the back of brain there was something left of my common sense that told me that it might be a good idea to check it out. So i did. Looking at all of it. All the aspects that this or that university has to offer make me feel depressed and worthless. i just feel as if i can never possibly compare to other students. i am so fucking average. my grades are average. i dont have any special talents, at least, none that i wish to share with the college admissions offices. its sad really. 6 months from now school will be over. i will rejoice that it is summer. i will leave the state for two weeks or so, and upon my return i will eat sleep and breathe college. i will most likely get some sort of dinky job that pays minimum wage, not that i need any real money, and end up reading my summer assignments last minute as usual. maybe this year i just wont bother. whats the point anyways??? the teachers certainly dont take that really seriously. they always scare you and say it counts as 25% of your quarter grade. bull shit. after two weeks into school everyone has already forgotten about those pieces of crap called literature. there is maybe one book i read each summer that is worth while. the rest, however, can rot under my bed where they belong. anyways im getting off topic. the fact is that in 6 months time all that stress of junior year will be over, and it will step aside and allow and entirely new kind of stress emerge. one that i have never felt before and do not wish to experience but must. it is inevitable. in 6 months i could be so much...or so little. starting tomorrow i could go running everyday and be an amazing track star by june. starting tomorrow i could do push ups everyday for an hour and develop amazing upper body strength. starting tomorrow i could read everyday and by june have vast knowledge on topics completely unrelated to on another. the thing that is sad is that i wont do any of those things. even though i have the potential to do anything i want. i could make it happen in 6 months time. or at least i could try very hard. but i know i wont. in six months time i will look back and say "wow i sat on my ass for 6 months...so little was accomplished." i just know that is how it is gonna be. i just have no motivation left. its not that i dont want it, i really really really do. for some reason it is as if there are chains around my ankles and wrists not allowing me to grasp what i want so badly. why do i feel like this? someone explain it to me. i just feel so worthless when it comes to future. everyone says that things will turn out okay but you cant possibly know that. some people told me that everyone ends up where they belong. how can i believe that? people are so viable to mistakes. are you kidding me. watch, ill be one of those fuck ups. no, maybe not a mcdonalds employee or janitor...but something lame and completely wrong. ill end up being a writer instead of a great chemist. ill end up being an archaeologist instead of a film maker.
i am so not excited to see what happens. in a years time i will be done with college apps and have nothing left to do but wait and see what happens. i cant wait for that feeling. of relief. everyone just seems so much better off. for some reason when i look at all my friends and even those i do not know...they seem like they have a better chance of getting into this or that school because...i dunno they are better. and i am just average and mediocre. last year in AP euro i looked around the classroom and took a guess as to what people were going to get on the exam. its weird. i was so wrong. i got better grades then they did. so maybe i am wrong again? i dunno i dont want to get my hopes up too high.
ugh god i feel like such crap. but i am happy. not depressed. just crappy.
i dont know what made me search UCLA or the University of Chicago. Maybe somewhere in the back of brain there was something left of my common sense that told me that it might be a good idea to check it out. So i did. Looking at all of it. All the aspects that this or that university has to offer make me feel depressed and worthless. i just feel as if i can never possibly compare to other students. i am so fucking average. my grades are average. i dont have any special talents, at least, none that i wish to share with the college admissions offices. its sad really. 6 months from now school will be over. i will rejoice that it is summer. i will leave the state for two weeks or so, and upon my return i will eat sleep and breathe college. i will most likely get some sort of dinky job that pays minimum wage, not that i need any real money, and end up reading my summer assignments last minute as usual. maybe this year i just wont bother. whats the point anyways??? the teachers certainly dont take that really seriously. they always scare you and say it counts as 25% of your quarter grade. bull shit. after two weeks into school everyone has already forgotten about those pieces of crap called literature. there is maybe one book i read each summer that is worth while. the rest, however, can rot under my bed where they belong. anyways im getting off topic. the fact is that in 6 months time all that stress of junior year will be over, and it will step aside and allow and entirely new kind of stress emerge. one that i have never felt before and do not wish to experience but must. it is inevitable. in 6 months i could be so much...or so little. starting tomorrow i could go running everyday and be an amazing track star by june. starting tomorrow i could do push ups everyday for an hour and develop amazing upper body strength. starting tomorrow i could read everyday and by june have vast knowledge on topics completely unrelated to on another. the thing that is sad is that i wont do any of those things. even though i have the potential to do anything i want. i could make it happen in 6 months time. or at least i could try very hard. but i know i wont. in six months time i will look back and say "wow i sat on my ass for 6 months...so little was accomplished." i just know that is how it is gonna be. i just have no motivation left. its not that i dont want it, i really really really do. for some reason it is as if there are chains around my ankles and wrists not allowing me to grasp what i want so badly. why do i feel like this? someone explain it to me. i just feel so worthless when it comes to future. everyone says that things will turn out okay but you cant possibly know that. some people told me that everyone ends up where they belong. how can i believe that? people are so viable to mistakes. are you kidding me. watch, ill be one of those fuck ups. no, maybe not a mcdonalds employee or janitor...but something lame and completely wrong. ill end up being a writer instead of a great chemist. ill end up being an archaeologist instead of a film maker.
i am so not excited to see what happens. in a years time i will be done with college apps and have nothing left to do but wait and see what happens. i cant wait for that feeling. of relief. everyone just seems so much better off. for some reason when i look at all my friends and even those i do not know...they seem like they have a better chance of getting into this or that school because...i dunno they are better. and i am just average and mediocre. last year in AP euro i looked around the classroom and took a guess as to what people were going to get on the exam. its weird. i was so wrong. i got better grades then they did. so maybe i am wrong again? i dunno i dont want to get my hopes up too high.
ugh god i feel like such crap. but i am happy. not depressed. just crappy.