(no subject)
I don't know.
I'm shit at this.
Psycologist this morning, so it was.
It was funny but, my phone wasn't on silent, and someone phoned me halfway through. So I was sitting blabbering away about stuff then the "America! Fuck yeah!" song comes on. Really loud.
Anyway.
He asked me the stupidest thing he could ask me at that point in time. "Is there anything you want the answer to, Callum?" Clearly I went over the top and asked him.. Why do people listen to sad songs when they're sad (I think he wrote down the fact I said this, by the way). I'm convinced that it's only sensible that people should listen to happy tunes, to raise their mood. He doesn't agree and claims that they listen to sad songs because sadness is on their mind at the time. Fair enough. Even I can't listen to happy happy tunes the now. Whatever.
He asked me how I cope with my medicines and illnesses etc. I told him I cope fine with them, and it's just other things I can't cope with. Yet again the baldy asks me what it is that bothers me.
I explain to him my burninated torso. I told him how I went to see a specialist about it yesterday. They say it might not be fully repairable. This clearly is a problem. I'm so self concious about it that I've not taken off my top in public (this is also the reason why I don't do P.E,and when I do, I wear a t-shirt under my shirt) for over 2 years. I hate it. I can't even look at it myself.
Once again. Mr "Bald" Ray goes into my Sexuality. I really don't know why he does this. I avoid all his questions.
He asked me if I had friends I could talk to, or people who'd come visit me and cheer me up if I was "down". No. I don't. I don't have any one who'd visit me even if I was over the moon. I've not had anyone round at this house for more than 5 minutes in almost a year and a half. I mean this. People just don't want to spend time with me. Why? I'm probably a dick. I don't know. Maybe I just look boring. Maybe I'm shit. No, I am shit. Haha.
I got asked about "my week" too. I told him about Friday. I don't really know why. I'll explain a bit more about Friday in a wee bit. I'm a roll here.
Anyway. He told that I should "show my negatives" then apparently I won't feel so bad or self concious about them. Get right to fuck. If I could then I would. I don't have the ability to take off my top.
He asked me about my big scar too. But there's no problem with that. If anything, I quite like it. It's a conversation starter.
Well.. It was a conversation starter. Before all this.
Yes.
Moving on.
Friday.
There was a paaarty at Erins house. Needless to say, it was balls. I thought I'd be able to talk to new people and get to know folk there. But I couldn't. I felt they wouldn't want to know me. Nobody's interested in me anyway.
I sat most of the night and got uncommonly wasted. I passed out for quite a while.
Anyway, seen as it's all the way in pissy Cleland. I stayed at Ali's (nobody was allowed to stay at Erins!) Em. Went back to Ali's and got even more wasted. Hmm. Intercourse. With someone who's been practically a best friend for 3 + years. Very weird. Yes. Haha.
I hate myself for not being able to talk to people at that party. I hate how I just sat there. Drinking. I drank more than I wanted to, mainly because I was annoyed at myself for not being able to speak to anybody.
On Sunday there. I went out with Ailidh for a wee while. We just went a walk really. But we ended up halfing a pizza and eating it at hers. Then sitting for about 3 hours and discussing everything from potential OCD to being old.
There's so much pressure on me to pass all my exams this year. Becuase I'm going to college. And it won't look too fantastic if I apply with pissy highers. I can't cope with passing everything. It's going to drive me mad.
my book came through the post last Wednesday.
I'm near finished it already. It's so so good. But some bits are a wee bit confusing though. Not too much though.
This was a fucking big entry.
x
I'm shit at this.
Psycologist this morning, so it was.
It was funny but, my phone wasn't on silent, and someone phoned me halfway through. So I was sitting blabbering away about stuff then the "America! Fuck yeah!" song comes on. Really loud.
Anyway.
He asked me the stupidest thing he could ask me at that point in time. "Is there anything you want the answer to, Callum?" Clearly I went over the top and asked him.. Why do people listen to sad songs when they're sad (I think he wrote down the fact I said this, by the way). I'm convinced that it's only sensible that people should listen to happy tunes, to raise their mood. He doesn't agree and claims that they listen to sad songs because sadness is on their mind at the time. Fair enough. Even I can't listen to happy happy tunes the now. Whatever.
He asked me how I cope with my medicines and illnesses etc. I told him I cope fine with them, and it's just other things I can't cope with. Yet again the baldy asks me what it is that bothers me.
I explain to him my burninated torso. I told him how I went to see a specialist about it yesterday. They say it might not be fully repairable. This clearly is a problem. I'm so self concious about it that I've not taken off my top in public (this is also the reason why I don't do P.E,and when I do, I wear a t-shirt under my shirt) for over 2 years. I hate it. I can't even look at it myself.
Once again. Mr "Bald" Ray goes into my Sexuality. I really don't know why he does this. I avoid all his questions.
He asked me if I had friends I could talk to, or people who'd come visit me and cheer me up if I was "down". No. I don't. I don't have any one who'd visit me even if I was over the moon. I've not had anyone round at this house for more than 5 minutes in almost a year and a half. I mean this. People just don't want to spend time with me. Why? I'm probably a dick. I don't know. Maybe I just look boring. Maybe I'm shit. No, I am shit. Haha.
I got asked about "my week" too. I told him about Friday. I don't really know why. I'll explain a bit more about Friday in a wee bit. I'm a roll here.
Anyway. He told that I should "show my negatives" then apparently I won't feel so bad or self concious about them. Get right to fuck. If I could then I would. I don't have the ability to take off my top.
He asked me about my big scar too. But there's no problem with that. If anything, I quite like it. It's a conversation starter.
Well.. It was a conversation starter. Before all this.
Yes.
Moving on.
Friday.
There was a paaarty at Erins house. Needless to say, it was balls. I thought I'd be able to talk to new people and get to know folk there. But I couldn't. I felt they wouldn't want to know me. Nobody's interested in me anyway.
I sat most of the night and got uncommonly wasted. I passed out for quite a while.
Anyway, seen as it's all the way in pissy Cleland. I stayed at Ali's (nobody was allowed to stay at Erins!) Em. Went back to Ali's and got even more wasted. Hmm. Intercourse. With someone who's been practically a best friend for 3 + years. Very weird. Yes. Haha.
I hate myself for not being able to talk to people at that party. I hate how I just sat there. Drinking. I drank more than I wanted to, mainly because I was annoyed at myself for not being able to speak to anybody.
On Sunday there. I went out with Ailidh for a wee while. We just went a walk really. But we ended up halfing a pizza and eating it at hers. Then sitting for about 3 hours and discussing everything from potential OCD to being old.
There's so much pressure on me to pass all my exams this year. Becuase I'm going to college. And it won't look too fantastic if I apply with pissy highers. I can't cope with passing everything. It's going to drive me mad.
my book came through the post last Wednesday.
I'm near finished it already. It's so so good. But some bits are a wee bit confusing though. Not too much though.
This was a fucking big entry.
x