(no subject)
it's 2:30 in the morning and I should be asleep.
instead, i'm changing my myspace music to better suit my feelings at the moment.
We sing the death song kids cause we've got no future. And we wanna be just like you...
I'm losing my mind. I really am. Some pieces get chipped off because of a lack of food. Some pieces get chipped off because of the caffiene. Pebbles from work. Stones from school. Either way, I really do feel like it's starting to crumble. And somewhere in this avalanche of sanity is this fragile concept of me getting swept away.
I can't sleep well. What used to be boring dreams of the same thing-the same hallways filled with the same doors, are now chaotic and fractured. I know I'm asleep because I hear whispers. I never hear whispers when I'm awake. They tell me things; things I think I should write down. But I never do. And in the end I remember the intent, but forget the meaning. They sound like wet silk being drug across a chalkboard; or a razor across glass. I can never remember what they tell me-only that they're heavy with malice.
And then there are my dreams themselves. Again, I have no idea what I've dreamt, only that i've dreamt. I remember fractured images-faces like something out of The Wall video. Reds and greens in a violent mix. I'm still looking for something-only now the landscape is constantly changing. My attention is being drawn in so many directions. I can never keep my mind on what I'm looking for long enough until some dramatic upheaval comes along and reshuffles my dreamscape like a game of 52 card pick up.
Art imitates life; I feel like I need to scream. My moods mix in violent shifts. Like looking at an EKG, it'll be flatlined then all of a sudden a spike or a dip-hormonal palpitations and emotional arrhythmias. Then back to flatlined. Like a frog in a biology class and someone is having fun with the atropine and the adrenaline and the muscarine.
The funny thing is that while my mind is the same in my dream as in real life, I feel like I'm worse when I'm awake. My mind is still just as chaotic, only now the landscape stays the same. Routine and repetition serve to numb everything and my mind keeps trying to fracture and be put back together. Is my mind waiting for the next upheaval? And am I going nuts because it's not coming?
everything just feels ... not right. thick. muted. muffled. like i'm feeling it through a glove or a stove mit. Like a hamster in a hamster ball with no air holes; I'm safe within a womb that's suffocating me. And I'm giving myself just enough rope to hang.Why does nothing feel quite right? Why does it feel like it's all pretense? Like I've found myself in the middle of a play that I don't belong in and no one but me seems to think I'm out of place.
It's too tight. Or too loose. So many symptoms to choose from. But the worst is NOS. Not Otherwise Specified. There's no label for it so they just label you as unlabelable. Poor guy-can't even be insane correctly.
instead, i'm changing my myspace music to better suit my feelings at the moment.
We sing the death song kids cause we've got no future. And we wanna be just like you...
I'm losing my mind. I really am. Some pieces get chipped off because of a lack of food. Some pieces get chipped off because of the caffiene. Pebbles from work. Stones from school. Either way, I really do feel like it's starting to crumble. And somewhere in this avalanche of sanity is this fragile concept of me getting swept away.
I can't sleep well. What used to be boring dreams of the same thing-the same hallways filled with the same doors, are now chaotic and fractured. I know I'm asleep because I hear whispers. I never hear whispers when I'm awake. They tell me things; things I think I should write down. But I never do. And in the end I remember the intent, but forget the meaning. They sound like wet silk being drug across a chalkboard; or a razor across glass. I can never remember what they tell me-only that they're heavy with malice.
And then there are my dreams themselves. Again, I have no idea what I've dreamt, only that i've dreamt. I remember fractured images-faces like something out of The Wall video. Reds and greens in a violent mix. I'm still looking for something-only now the landscape is constantly changing. My attention is being drawn in so many directions. I can never keep my mind on what I'm looking for long enough until some dramatic upheaval comes along and reshuffles my dreamscape like a game of 52 card pick up.
Art imitates life; I feel like I need to scream. My moods mix in violent shifts. Like looking at an EKG, it'll be flatlined then all of a sudden a spike or a dip-hormonal palpitations and emotional arrhythmias. Then back to flatlined. Like a frog in a biology class and someone is having fun with the atropine and the adrenaline and the muscarine.
The funny thing is that while my mind is the same in my dream as in real life, I feel like I'm worse when I'm awake. My mind is still just as chaotic, only now the landscape stays the same. Routine and repetition serve to numb everything and my mind keeps trying to fracture and be put back together. Is my mind waiting for the next upheaval? And am I going nuts because it's not coming?
everything just feels ... not right. thick. muted. muffled. like i'm feeling it through a glove or a stove mit. Like a hamster in a hamster ball with no air holes; I'm safe within a womb that's suffocating me. And I'm giving myself just enough rope to hang.Why does nothing feel quite right? Why does it feel like it's all pretense? Like I've found myself in the middle of a play that I don't belong in and no one but me seems to think I'm out of place.
It's too tight. Or too loose. So many symptoms to choose from. But the worst is NOS. Not Otherwise Specified. There's no label for it so they just label you as unlabelable. Poor guy-can't even be insane correctly.