SECRET ENTRY NUMBER ONE
i like to be honest and upfront.
so i don't make lame 'friends only' posts or private ones. i have nothing to hide.
so, i'll make a new journal for real stuff. it's not hiding it's just.... not making an effort.
so. let us get up to date and talk about all the real things that the real journal doesn't cover.
apparently, jenn and dennis talk behind my back? well now. i'm not too suprised, (after all, i'm apparently RATHER interesting, but only to observe and then only in captivity, not in my natural habitat) but i am a little. i didn't think they were like that, really. but i guess that's how people get the chance, huh? you don't think they're like some way or that they'd hurt you and that's how they get in to do it. and maybe the people who you think would actually do those things would, maybe they wouldn't. but you don't get to test that because you don't give 'em the oppurtunity.
i fall into the last catagory with most people. everyone thinks i'm so horrible and bad news but they don't give me the oppurtunity.
i'd really like to have the oppurtunity to ruin someone's life. i don't think i would but i'd like to have that POWER, to mean SOMETHING to someone. that's all really.
nineteens a crappy year.
so the list of 'good' people at the moment consists of: stickle, natalie, gabe and......maybe that's it? maybe i'll come back and check this later and compare.
everyone else is going away. i don't get it. ok, if i'm a horrible person, i can accept that. but tell me what i'm doing wrong so i can do something about it! like when someone commits a crime, you get 'em arrested so they don't do it again to someone else. if i'm a monster, tell me so i can't do it to anyone else!
i don't think i'm a monster. i've gotten a lot better. i actually don't accept a lot of people's inferences because i don't respect them.
but obviously i'm still doing something wrong. and most of those people that feel that way, yeah i don't actually care about THEM. me wanting to find out the cause of this isn't me still being upset over you. it's me turning it into ME. what's wrong with ME? what am I doing? forget about you.
ikindamaybestillmissmyspacedouche. i can't hate anyone. i can't dislike 'em.
i miss everyone really. like i miss the ex, i miss mandouche, i miss being closer to everyone i was.
but that doesn't mean i'd go back in time or i'd change anything. i was different then too. i miss those times but i'm not really sorry they're over.
but i do miss that boy. and i can't admit that or say that because what good would it do? it'd only make me look bad (and you know how I don't care how i look to other people!) and he already killed everything anyway.
i thought he actually understood me. i never felt like anyone got me before, like they could untangle my rambelings. like i didn't feel lame or boring or anything. or bad. and that doesn't happen much.
the rejection bit doesn't hurt THAT much. because i can acknowledge his bad points. i'm smarter than him. he's close minded. he lives a million years away. he dresses bad! stupid, trivial things.
but you can't define why you like someone and you can't make yerself stop and so those things don't matter.
it just hurts because again, i thought someone understood me. and if someone can look into you and see everything and then not like what they see? that hurts.
i try to take everyone's opinion into consideration though. i like to think you can't just pull things out of thin air, that everything has SOME basis in reality?
like maybe hes right. maybe i did have a lot of things handed to me in life.
but he also only knew me a month and he didn't know a goddamn REAL thing about me. so maybe i earned those things pal and maybe you have no idea how.
i do get things handed to me now kinda. i admit it. and i accept it and try to push it as far as i can because i think i'm kinda owed it.
i kinda feel like a few years of my childhood were shaved off and i can't get them back. i can't make them pay. but i can be spiteful and take stuff and things because it's the least you can fucking do.
sometimes i'm really scared that maybe i don't actually care about anyone. like not how yer supposed to.
i saw justinjerkface yesterday. i think he's a good person too.
like he saw me and said how i looked smaller. and he cared enough to ask, "well was it by healthy ways or....?" i'm glad that someone remembers things about me and they care enough to ask.
most everyone else now is just like, "you look good!" and forgets my history.
you know, you don't 'get over' this. you don't get over being self destructive. it's who i am and if i wasn't self destructive i don't know what i'd do anymore. i don't know who i'd be.
i went from stupid cutting.
which got old. and trendy.
to not eating.
which i got in trouble for.
to throwing up.
which i still indulge in time to time.
to drugs.
which......i'm not even sure of anymore.
to drinking.
which is acceptable and commendable.
somewhere along the line, suicide attempts got in there.
honestly, i've been wanting to die and trying to and thinking about it and everything since i was four. at least. everyday.
i'm kinda tired of it.
i do have good days though. it's kinda like how i do everything though. if something bothers you, you just kinda take it away. i don't know where it goes, but it goes. and you don't hurt or feel anything.
and i can do that sometimes and not really forget about dying it just...kinda goes to the back of the mind.
it comes back though.
i don't know. i do feel better than i did before.
and i'm not alone really?
but i'm really sick of all these fake people and what not turning on me.
and this happens all the time. so i don't put in any effort with anyone, and i think in terms of material possesions to make myself feel better like i make sure only I can use YOU and yer not getting nearly as much outta me.
but you are. i'm all reserved and what not but yer getting my fucking emotions and i'm really attached.
but i don't show it because i don't know how and because then it'll hurt more when you leave.
my head hurts a lot lately and i'm tired all the time.
i never thought anything could destroy me. i tried and nothing happend. but now it seems like the years of damage is adding up.
everythings falling in on me at once.
and oddly enough, i don't want it now. i don't want to 'die' as much.
sometimes i just like to make myself hurt. and now i got enough people doing that for me. so i can stop doing it to myself.
but my bodys too far gone into this.
i'm so melodramatic and retarded. what else is there to say?
so i don't make lame 'friends only' posts or private ones. i have nothing to hide.
so, i'll make a new journal for real stuff. it's not hiding it's just.... not making an effort.
so. let us get up to date and talk about all the real things that the real journal doesn't cover.
apparently, jenn and dennis talk behind my back? well now. i'm not too suprised, (after all, i'm apparently RATHER interesting, but only to observe and then only in captivity, not in my natural habitat) but i am a little. i didn't think they were like that, really. but i guess that's how people get the chance, huh? you don't think they're like some way or that they'd hurt you and that's how they get in to do it. and maybe the people who you think would actually do those things would, maybe they wouldn't. but you don't get to test that because you don't give 'em the oppurtunity.
i fall into the last catagory with most people. everyone thinks i'm so horrible and bad news but they don't give me the oppurtunity.
i'd really like to have the oppurtunity to ruin someone's life. i don't think i would but i'd like to have that POWER, to mean SOMETHING to someone. that's all really.
nineteens a crappy year.
so the list of 'good' people at the moment consists of: stickle, natalie, gabe and......maybe that's it? maybe i'll come back and check this later and compare.
everyone else is going away. i don't get it. ok, if i'm a horrible person, i can accept that. but tell me what i'm doing wrong so i can do something about it! like when someone commits a crime, you get 'em arrested so they don't do it again to someone else. if i'm a monster, tell me so i can't do it to anyone else!
i don't think i'm a monster. i've gotten a lot better. i actually don't accept a lot of people's inferences because i don't respect them.
but obviously i'm still doing something wrong. and most of those people that feel that way, yeah i don't actually care about THEM. me wanting to find out the cause of this isn't me still being upset over you. it's me turning it into ME. what's wrong with ME? what am I doing? forget about you.
ikindamaybestillmissmyspacedouche. i can't hate anyone. i can't dislike 'em.
i miss everyone really. like i miss the ex, i miss mandouche, i miss being closer to everyone i was.
but that doesn't mean i'd go back in time or i'd change anything. i was different then too. i miss those times but i'm not really sorry they're over.
but i do miss that boy. and i can't admit that or say that because what good would it do? it'd only make me look bad (and you know how I don't care how i look to other people!) and he already killed everything anyway.
i thought he actually understood me. i never felt like anyone got me before, like they could untangle my rambelings. like i didn't feel lame or boring or anything. or bad. and that doesn't happen much.
the rejection bit doesn't hurt THAT much. because i can acknowledge his bad points. i'm smarter than him. he's close minded. he lives a million years away. he dresses bad! stupid, trivial things.
but you can't define why you like someone and you can't make yerself stop and so those things don't matter.
it just hurts because again, i thought someone understood me. and if someone can look into you and see everything and then not like what they see? that hurts.
i try to take everyone's opinion into consideration though. i like to think you can't just pull things out of thin air, that everything has SOME basis in reality?
like maybe hes right. maybe i did have a lot of things handed to me in life.
but he also only knew me a month and he didn't know a goddamn REAL thing about me. so maybe i earned those things pal and maybe you have no idea how.
i do get things handed to me now kinda. i admit it. and i accept it and try to push it as far as i can because i think i'm kinda owed it.
i kinda feel like a few years of my childhood were shaved off and i can't get them back. i can't make them pay. but i can be spiteful and take stuff and things because it's the least you can fucking do.
sometimes i'm really scared that maybe i don't actually care about anyone. like not how yer supposed to.
i saw justinjerkface yesterday. i think he's a good person too.
like he saw me and said how i looked smaller. and he cared enough to ask, "well was it by healthy ways or....?" i'm glad that someone remembers things about me and they care enough to ask.
most everyone else now is just like, "you look good!" and forgets my history.
you know, you don't 'get over' this. you don't get over being self destructive. it's who i am and if i wasn't self destructive i don't know what i'd do anymore. i don't know who i'd be.
i went from stupid cutting.
which got old. and trendy.
to not eating.
which i got in trouble for.
to throwing up.
which i still indulge in time to time.
to drugs.
which......i'm not even sure of anymore.
to drinking.
which is acceptable and commendable.
somewhere along the line, suicide attempts got in there.
honestly, i've been wanting to die and trying to and thinking about it and everything since i was four. at least. everyday.
i'm kinda tired of it.
i do have good days though. it's kinda like how i do everything though. if something bothers you, you just kinda take it away. i don't know where it goes, but it goes. and you don't hurt or feel anything.
and i can do that sometimes and not really forget about dying it just...kinda goes to the back of the mind.
it comes back though.
i don't know. i do feel better than i did before.
and i'm not alone really?
but i'm really sick of all these fake people and what not turning on me.
and this happens all the time. so i don't put in any effort with anyone, and i think in terms of material possesions to make myself feel better like i make sure only I can use YOU and yer not getting nearly as much outta me.
but you are. i'm all reserved and what not but yer getting my fucking emotions and i'm really attached.
but i don't show it because i don't know how and because then it'll hurt more when you leave.
my head hurts a lot lately and i'm tired all the time.
i never thought anything could destroy me. i tried and nothing happend. but now it seems like the years of damage is adding up.
everythings falling in on me at once.
and oddly enough, i don't want it now. i don't want to 'die' as much.
sometimes i just like to make myself hurt. and now i got enough people doing that for me. so i can stop doing it to myself.
but my bodys too far gone into this.
i'm so melodramatic and retarded. what else is there to say?