If I Shoot Myself...
So Thursday was the surgery...
They hooked me up to this heart monitor thing 'n it took my blood pressure every 5 minutes by squeezing my arm. They strapped only one arm in, and they numbed part of it where they'd stick the needle in. I got nitrice? Is that what it's called? So I had this huge white tubey thing over my face. I felt like "The Man In The Iron Mask" or something. Or like one of those chicks on SPU that their abusive husbands lock them in the closet with a bunch of torture devices and practically brainwash them into doing whatever they please. I told the ladies that they needed to talk to me, or else I was gonna start balling. They did, asking me questions like, "How old are you" and "Do you like boys". On the second one I was gonna say not really but I decided against it. They didn't need to know I was bi.
When they stuck the needle in, I was waiting for the pinch to stop... but it didn't happen so I started to cry. I'm all, "Please talk to me, please..." Goh I was so helpless and pathetic. I FuCKinG hate that!
Afterwards I don't remember much. My aunt and gram were all fumbling over me, trying to take position as care-taker. They're evil to my mom and it pisses me off anyhow when they think I can't damn buckle myself. I did have working arms, ya know!
Right after they got me in the car, we all went to eat. They didn't get me anything, they just sat there and ate in front of me... I'm like, "Gram could I please have a chicken nugget?" and she fucking snaps at me! My mom got mad cuz she wasn't even gonna eat all of them and I was hungry! If I wanted to try it, she should've let me. After she was done eating and realized she couldn't eat it, she gave me her left-overs... they alwayz give my mom and I whatever junk they don't use. And I just felt like kicking her seat really hard so her head would buck.... but I didn't. I was too heavily medicated to even THINK about trying to move with force.
There was a a stitch hanging a little loose... goin down my throat. I started choking...And it came out. So now I have this gaping hole, right side, top of my mouth and I have to be extra EXTRA careful with it because EVERYTHING I do makes it sting like a bitch.
You know how my jaw pops? Well if you didn't, now you know. Well, I can't even fucking open my jaw that much, to do anything really. And it aches so bad. I've been in constant pain for 4 days. Except when I passed out last night at 5 in the mornin only to have 3 hours of sleep. Woke up crying, again. It suckssss. I have stitches in 3 courners of my mouth and I can't eat anything. I just swallow. Forget tasting anything either. I've had so many cravings. Broke down crying once because I tried to eat my favorite cheese breadsticks and I couldn't even open my mouth enough...And I couldn't chew it when I finally had a bite of it. *Huff* Pathetic and sad. My face is clear but I look like shit.... Lovely.
ALL my teeth are moving, so all of them hurt plus the gum beneath, to use up the space that's been made... And when they took out my bottom teeth, they had to scrap the bone 'n fiddle with the nerve...SO?! Joy of all joys, I have a throbbing line all along my bottom jaw. I took 18 advil in one day, and it didn't do shit. My mom refuses to give me anything she thinks is "too much medication". I'm like, "Jesus fucking Christ, mom. I never take medicine. And then when I want it, you won't give it to me?" I NEVER EVER take pills on my own accord, it's always by force. Well, advil is shit but aleve... I think it actually did something! It lightens it. And that's enough to keep me in an okay mood.
This morning when I got my ice pack out of the freezer, my mom said something and I was like, "Oh I've been in a good mood besides the pain." And she started laughing. It hurts for me to laugh so I did the half-ugh-smile.
I thought all this was only supposed to be for 2 days? why the fuck is it 4? If I feel like this tomorrow morning, there will be no school bells ringing. Omg...it was so weird. On Wednesday? I didn't hear ANY of the bells. It was like I couldn't hear the tone, or wasn't paying attention, or something, I don't know!
And another thing. I fucking have to start all over on my range. Auditions are tomorrow and I don't have my normal voice. I probably won't even be able to go. I'll be like 'the retard that jus had to try-out'. Not even able to open muh damn mouth... what kind of shit is this?
Brushing is torture, but I've been doing it. Made myself bleed accidentally twice...pretty gross. I WANT IT TO GO AWAY!
A friend of mine is all like, "I wish I could hold you." But in all honesty. I don't want to be held. I don't really wanna be touched, I feel so gross! It doesn't even matter how much I shower.
I can't open too much, but I can't have it completely closed. My lips are closed, but if I touch my teeth... omg it hurts so bad.
Then I got Mell fuckin goin, "Well it's better than teething..." I'm like WUT THE FUCK? "Have you even had surgery in your mouth before?" And she said no so I'm like, "Alright then. Man, I hate that. You talking about shit you don't know all the info for. You do that with CD's too. Tellin me the CD sucks when you don't even know all the songs... " itz bullshit. And I'm not afraid of what she thinks anymore. If she doesn't like me the way I am she can go jam it up her lil rearend. lol.
Anywho. I've met tons of ppl online, so that's good. More friends, aww yay! There's this one girl....... I've been talking to her for 2 days, and it's really weird. We have WAY too much in common. She EVEN talks like me! And has the same tendencies and... omg it's crazy. She kept bein like, "gah i really really like you......" cuz she was all surprised. Only 2 damn dayz. She got a bit drunk and told me that she thought she was falling for me, and yea... some other things... I soaked it up. I definitely have a crush.
And my Gary! Talkin to him again! YAY! :-D Missed him like crazyyy...muh boii G~ LUV YA!
Anyways I'm gonna get by bum outta here. Sorry bout the length... You'll live. You choose to read it or not, not mio. *Waves* byez. Gonna get some ice cream and get fatter.
PS. If I shoot myself because of the pain... jus toss my body off a cruise ship or something, have fun! No need to waste money on a casket or any of that.
They hooked me up to this heart monitor thing 'n it took my blood pressure every 5 minutes by squeezing my arm. They strapped only one arm in, and they numbed part of it where they'd stick the needle in. I got nitrice? Is that what it's called? So I had this huge white tubey thing over my face. I felt like "The Man In The Iron Mask" or something. Or like one of those chicks on SPU that their abusive husbands lock them in the closet with a bunch of torture devices and practically brainwash them into doing whatever they please. I told the ladies that they needed to talk to me, or else I was gonna start balling. They did, asking me questions like, "How old are you" and "Do you like boys". On the second one I was gonna say not really but I decided against it. They didn't need to know I was bi.
When they stuck the needle in, I was waiting for the pinch to stop... but it didn't happen so I started to cry. I'm all, "Please talk to me, please..." Goh I was so helpless and pathetic. I FuCKinG hate that!
Afterwards I don't remember much. My aunt and gram were all fumbling over me, trying to take position as care-taker. They're evil to my mom and it pisses me off anyhow when they think I can't damn buckle myself. I did have working arms, ya know!
Right after they got me in the car, we all went to eat. They didn't get me anything, they just sat there and ate in front of me... I'm like, "Gram could I please have a chicken nugget?" and she fucking snaps at me! My mom got mad cuz she wasn't even gonna eat all of them and I was hungry! If I wanted to try it, she should've let me. After she was done eating and realized she couldn't eat it, she gave me her left-overs... they alwayz give my mom and I whatever junk they don't use. And I just felt like kicking her seat really hard so her head would buck.... but I didn't. I was too heavily medicated to even THINK about trying to move with force.
There was a a stitch hanging a little loose... goin down my throat. I started choking...And it came out. So now I have this gaping hole, right side, top of my mouth and I have to be extra EXTRA careful with it because EVERYTHING I do makes it sting like a bitch.
You know how my jaw pops? Well if you didn't, now you know. Well, I can't even fucking open my jaw that much, to do anything really. And it aches so bad. I've been in constant pain for 4 days. Except when I passed out last night at 5 in the mornin only to have 3 hours of sleep. Woke up crying, again. It suckssss. I have stitches in 3 courners of my mouth and I can't eat anything. I just swallow. Forget tasting anything either. I've had so many cravings. Broke down crying once because I tried to eat my favorite cheese breadsticks and I couldn't even open my mouth enough...And I couldn't chew it when I finally had a bite of it. *Huff* Pathetic and sad. My face is clear but I look like shit.... Lovely.
ALL my teeth are moving, so all of them hurt plus the gum beneath, to use up the space that's been made... And when they took out my bottom teeth, they had to scrap the bone 'n fiddle with the nerve...SO?! Joy of all joys, I have a throbbing line all along my bottom jaw. I took 18 advil in one day, and it didn't do shit. My mom refuses to give me anything she thinks is "too much medication". I'm like, "Jesus fucking Christ, mom. I never take medicine. And then when I want it, you won't give it to me?" I NEVER EVER take pills on my own accord, it's always by force. Well, advil is shit but aleve... I think it actually did something! It lightens it. And that's enough to keep me in an okay mood.
This morning when I got my ice pack out of the freezer, my mom said something and I was like, "Oh I've been in a good mood besides the pain." And she started laughing. It hurts for me to laugh so I did the half-ugh-smile.
I thought all this was only supposed to be for 2 days? why the fuck is it 4? If I feel like this tomorrow morning, there will be no school bells ringing. Omg...it was so weird. On Wednesday? I didn't hear ANY of the bells. It was like I couldn't hear the tone, or wasn't paying attention, or something, I don't know!
And another thing. I fucking have to start all over on my range. Auditions are tomorrow and I don't have my normal voice. I probably won't even be able to go. I'll be like 'the retard that jus had to try-out'. Not even able to open muh damn mouth... what kind of shit is this?
Brushing is torture, but I've been doing it. Made myself bleed accidentally twice...pretty gross. I WANT IT TO GO AWAY!
A friend of mine is all like, "I wish I could hold you." But in all honesty. I don't want to be held. I don't really wanna be touched, I feel so gross! It doesn't even matter how much I shower.
I can't open too much, but I can't have it completely closed. My lips are closed, but if I touch my teeth... omg it hurts so bad.
Then I got Mell fuckin goin, "Well it's better than teething..." I'm like WUT THE FUCK? "Have you even had surgery in your mouth before?" And she said no so I'm like, "Alright then. Man, I hate that. You talking about shit you don't know all the info for. You do that with CD's too. Tellin me the CD sucks when you don't even know all the songs... " itz bullshit. And I'm not afraid of what she thinks anymore. If she doesn't like me the way I am she can go jam it up her lil rearend. lol.
Anywho. I've met tons of ppl online, so that's good. More friends, aww yay! There's this one girl....... I've been talking to her for 2 days, and it's really weird. We have WAY too much in common. She EVEN talks like me! And has the same tendencies and... omg it's crazy. She kept bein like, "gah i really really like you......" cuz she was all surprised. Only 2 damn dayz. She got a bit drunk and told me that she thought she was falling for me, and yea... some other things... I soaked it up. I definitely have a crush.
And my Gary! Talkin to him again! YAY! :-D Missed him like crazyyy...muh boii G~ LUV YA!
Anyways I'm gonna get by bum outta here. Sorry bout the length... You'll live. You choose to read it or not, not mio. *Waves* byez. Gonna get some ice cream and get fatter.
PS. If I shoot myself because of the pain... jus toss my body off a cruise ship or something, have fun! No need to waste money on a casket or any of that.