(no subject)
My gosh its 3:335 am and i'm just crawling into bed.
I thought id do a little bookeeping and go to bed, six hours later, i finished bookeeping and then had a three hour conversation with glenn. The conversation i had with him blew my mind in many ways, and made me doubt my decision to leave my house. The minds here are deep and challenging, in intellectual and creative ways. This place has given me the most diverse influence i've ever had, and i need that diverse influence. I feel so conflicted because to truly harvest this influence and contribute to its resource and value i need to be home more. But the time the hat shop demands of me might not let me give the time i need to here. drat its such a hard choice. I like the introspective and constructive place the conversations i have here send me.
Jason: I'm seeing where i left you when i walked away more clearly everyday. Is it time for us to talk yet? Probably not, the less i see you the more clearly i understand where you are, and where i was/am. I want to appologize because i see that my actions have made you stuck. After you and me spent two years getting you unstuck. I got burnt out. It was challenging in many ways, i learned and grew. I like who you've become through the process, you're finally free to strike out and take what you want from the world, will you? I'm too burnt out to stick around and see you not confidently stride forward. But i cant appologize because the deciscion i made for me was not wrong. But it was probably the worst thing that could have happened to you at the moment. How can i stop dating you without shattering what we spent two years getting you? I was having a lovely time with you. I was in love, i was warm, and safe, and creative. Something was missing, im not completely clear on what it was, but im finding it now with out you. I think it was my own growth, new different challenges. Growth and challenges that are mine and depend on my choices and actions. Rather than helping you navigate yours. And learn about supporting someone else. You came into this saying, must maintain individuality, must only see you once a week, must see and be changed, influenced and knocked off course by a range of people. Loving and committed to you at an arms length. And i wanted more, i wanted everynight, everyother day, i wanted to be your girlfriend everywhere all the time, and you learned to want it too. And it was wonderful. But now that i dont have you everynight, now that im mostly alone, i hate it alot yes. But i am knowing myself better and becoming richer, and the time i spend alone leaves room for accidental interactions that often end up blowing my mind. Like my conversation with glenn tonight. I filled every inch of my spare time with you. I didnt leave room for pinefull heartbreakingly lonely nights at home alone, not sure what to do, no one to talk to. This leaves me picking up the phone and putting down thinking of calling you and asking you to take me back. Not filling up all my free time with you, more positively than the previous example leaves room to spend an evening taking care of myself, or winding up in a discussion with a housemate, neighboor, or to make new aquaintences, explore new ideas, staying challenged fresh and inspired. I dont know why i couldnt maintain this with you. but i couldnt. I feel like untill i know how to maintain that ability in a relationship, i shouldnt be allowed to get more serious or even as serious as we were with anyone. Thats the me side of why i left you. I think you were able to maintain this ability while with me because you work 10-5, and plenty of down time without me, or with ur friends. I was an additional treat. I have the hatshop, and you filling in the crevices inbetween.
Is that what happened. It sure seems to have been a large role.
Jimmy and i have the relationship i think you and i were striving for. He's terrible at it, it makes me pine for the ways in which you were a mature relationship haver'. It has me picking up the phone and putting it down, almost calling and asking you to take me back. But I cant give up this thing that is more healthy, the growth, the challenges to my mind, for comfort. But damn i want to. Breaking up with you took a weight off me.
Thinking about leaving my house, has been giving me clarity on what my house is, how it fucnctions, how i fit in to the equation. And how i havent really been doing a good job. The things i go through here are helping me understand what was going on in my and your relationship, and how i fucked it up, Because you and me were a co-op of two.
So my conversation with glenn tonight was about whats wrong with our co-op and why it feels so heavy, and like we're limping along. dragging ourselves just to keep up and make ends meet. We're so busy making the place run, that we dont have time to thinking about building, no time to hash out constructive new ideas that are deep and enrich and help florish our ideas about living, we cant spend time creating the ideal style of existance because we're too busy just trying to exist. Mop the floor pay the bills cook dinner, mop pay cook. All business all required, the unrequired part, the constructive dreaming ideas in to actuality conversations only have time to happen at 4:15 am like now. Which is going to fuck up my mop pay cook schedule tomorrow. so i cant do it too much, but i need to.
You and me, we were busy with the work for two years, it was mostly about you (im not saying i didnt create work for us, and learn my own fair share.) i'm just saying percentage wise i got burnt out on the work we did on you. I am greatful for how much i grew through the situation, but i woke up burnt out one day. I i would have been more honest withmyself or mature enough to know the signs, or know my own boundaries i could have seen it coming. and maybe we could have shifted things before they came to this point, but you needed that work, and i guess in a way i did too. Now here you are, feeling liberated and inspired, finally getting reeady to grab the world by its balls, and i walk in and tell you i have to leave you. I dont know how i expected you to react. but i am sorry that this is just creating another obstcle for you just as you are getting your ball rolling. but there it is. i feel terrible, i worry about you, and i pray that you can dig up the strength to do it all through this painful time. feel like shit dont want to get out of bed, or paint, or write, or brainstorm ideas? fucking pick up the pen and do it any way. be mad at me, use it as fuel. Do i need to do something mean or rude? would that help?.....
fuck im falling asleep and didnt ever get there....
I thought id do a little bookeeping and go to bed, six hours later, i finished bookeeping and then had a three hour conversation with glenn. The conversation i had with him blew my mind in many ways, and made me doubt my decision to leave my house. The minds here are deep and challenging, in intellectual and creative ways. This place has given me the most diverse influence i've ever had, and i need that diverse influence. I feel so conflicted because to truly harvest this influence and contribute to its resource and value i need to be home more. But the time the hat shop demands of me might not let me give the time i need to here. drat its such a hard choice. I like the introspective and constructive place the conversations i have here send me.
Jason: I'm seeing where i left you when i walked away more clearly everyday. Is it time for us to talk yet? Probably not, the less i see you the more clearly i understand where you are, and where i was/am. I want to appologize because i see that my actions have made you stuck. After you and me spent two years getting you unstuck. I got burnt out. It was challenging in many ways, i learned and grew. I like who you've become through the process, you're finally free to strike out and take what you want from the world, will you? I'm too burnt out to stick around and see you not confidently stride forward. But i cant appologize because the deciscion i made for me was not wrong. But it was probably the worst thing that could have happened to you at the moment. How can i stop dating you without shattering what we spent two years getting you? I was having a lovely time with you. I was in love, i was warm, and safe, and creative. Something was missing, im not completely clear on what it was, but im finding it now with out you. I think it was my own growth, new different challenges. Growth and challenges that are mine and depend on my choices and actions. Rather than helping you navigate yours. And learn about supporting someone else. You came into this saying, must maintain individuality, must only see you once a week, must see and be changed, influenced and knocked off course by a range of people. Loving and committed to you at an arms length. And i wanted more, i wanted everynight, everyother day, i wanted to be your girlfriend everywhere all the time, and you learned to want it too. And it was wonderful. But now that i dont have you everynight, now that im mostly alone, i hate it alot yes. But i am knowing myself better and becoming richer, and the time i spend alone leaves room for accidental interactions that often end up blowing my mind. Like my conversation with glenn tonight. I filled every inch of my spare time with you. I didnt leave room for pinefull heartbreakingly lonely nights at home alone, not sure what to do, no one to talk to. This leaves me picking up the phone and putting down thinking of calling you and asking you to take me back. Not filling up all my free time with you, more positively than the previous example leaves room to spend an evening taking care of myself, or winding up in a discussion with a housemate, neighboor, or to make new aquaintences, explore new ideas, staying challenged fresh and inspired. I dont know why i couldnt maintain this with you. but i couldnt. I feel like untill i know how to maintain that ability in a relationship, i shouldnt be allowed to get more serious or even as serious as we were with anyone. Thats the me side of why i left you. I think you were able to maintain this ability while with me because you work 10-5, and plenty of down time without me, or with ur friends. I was an additional treat. I have the hatshop, and you filling in the crevices inbetween.
Is that what happened. It sure seems to have been a large role.
Jimmy and i have the relationship i think you and i were striving for. He's terrible at it, it makes me pine for the ways in which you were a mature relationship haver'. It has me picking up the phone and putting it down, almost calling and asking you to take me back. But I cant give up this thing that is more healthy, the growth, the challenges to my mind, for comfort. But damn i want to. Breaking up with you took a weight off me.
Thinking about leaving my house, has been giving me clarity on what my house is, how it fucnctions, how i fit in to the equation. And how i havent really been doing a good job. The things i go through here are helping me understand what was going on in my and your relationship, and how i fucked it up, Because you and me were a co-op of two.
So my conversation with glenn tonight was about whats wrong with our co-op and why it feels so heavy, and like we're limping along. dragging ourselves just to keep up and make ends meet. We're so busy making the place run, that we dont have time to thinking about building, no time to hash out constructive new ideas that are deep and enrich and help florish our ideas about living, we cant spend time creating the ideal style of existance because we're too busy just trying to exist. Mop the floor pay the bills cook dinner, mop pay cook. All business all required, the unrequired part, the constructive dreaming ideas in to actuality conversations only have time to happen at 4:15 am like now. Which is going to fuck up my mop pay cook schedule tomorrow. so i cant do it too much, but i need to.
You and me, we were busy with the work for two years, it was mostly about you (im not saying i didnt create work for us, and learn my own fair share.) i'm just saying percentage wise i got burnt out on the work we did on you. I am greatful for how much i grew through the situation, but i woke up burnt out one day. I i would have been more honest withmyself or mature enough to know the signs, or know my own boundaries i could have seen it coming. and maybe we could have shifted things before they came to this point, but you needed that work, and i guess in a way i did too. Now here you are, feeling liberated and inspired, finally getting reeady to grab the world by its balls, and i walk in and tell you i have to leave you. I dont know how i expected you to react. but i am sorry that this is just creating another obstcle for you just as you are getting your ball rolling. but there it is. i feel terrible, i worry about you, and i pray that you can dig up the strength to do it all through this painful time. feel like shit dont want to get out of bed, or paint, or write, or brainstorm ideas? fucking pick up the pen and do it any way. be mad at me, use it as fuel. Do i need to do something mean or rude? would that help?.....
fuck im falling asleep and didnt ever get there....