(no subject)
Love is something I've been thinking about often, lately. I don't know what triggered it, but I can't help but recall all the times I've told others that I love no one, and never have. Perhaps it's my conscience that's bringing all this up.
When asked if I loved my family, I would respond with a snide, "well. Isn't it mandatory?" and when someone inquired as to why I refer to my dad as "father," my reply would be: "because anything else would be considered a term of endearment." Then, of course, when asked if I loved anyone romantically, I would give the typical too-good-for-that-highschool-dating-bullshit line.
I remember telling Mr. Holiday, my school counselor, about all of this. (Keep in mind that this was when I was severely discontent and my concept of reality was incredibly skewed; think Truman-Show-esque). He said that, since I had no significant attachment to people to keep me grounded, I have no concrete attachment to reality.
I don't know what I was thinking back then, to have openly said such things. The only thing I can do now is write it off as a more ungrateful, dispassionate phase in my life. Yes, I love my family, and I know for certs that I have loved others. I think that with love comes two other things to nourish it and keep it strong: hope for the future, and faith in the present. Without those things to sustain it, love withers.
At the time, I had no faith in the present, and thus no hope for the future. Those empty statements and false revelations occurred after months and months of abrupt, startling, uncontrollable failure -- academically, mentally -- in nearly every manner one can think of, I failed. I collapsed and broke down. And this is why, in my attempts to piece myself together again, my heart was nowhere to be found; this is why I was left a puzzle incomplete.
It's back, now. I didn't find my heart, but rather, someone who sparked its regrowth. I am infused with the fantastic feeling of love for family, for others, for life, along with a desire for a fresh beginning.
I'll prove them wrong; I can do this. I can, and I will, succeed.
___________________________________________
This is my 499th entry. As stated before, I am looking for a fresh beginning.
Therefor I shall urge you all to say goodbye to _uncouth, and I direct you to my new journal: letsget_nucular. Add as you wish. I hope to see you all there.
Farewell, journal. You have served me well.
Much love and muttering,
--Kate/letsget_nucular.
When asked if I loved my family, I would respond with a snide, "well. Isn't it mandatory?" and when someone inquired as to why I refer to my dad as "father," my reply would be: "because anything else would be considered a term of endearment." Then, of course, when asked if I loved anyone romantically, I would give the typical too-good-for-that-highschool-dating-bullshit line.
I remember telling Mr. Holiday, my school counselor, about all of this. (Keep in mind that this was when I was severely discontent and my concept of reality was incredibly skewed; think Truman-Show-esque). He said that, since I had no significant attachment to people to keep me grounded, I have no concrete attachment to reality.
I don't know what I was thinking back then, to have openly said such things. The only thing I can do now is write it off as a more ungrateful, dispassionate phase in my life. Yes, I love my family, and I know for certs that I have loved others. I think that with love comes two other things to nourish it and keep it strong: hope for the future, and faith in the present. Without those things to sustain it, love withers.
At the time, I had no faith in the present, and thus no hope for the future. Those empty statements and false revelations occurred after months and months of abrupt, startling, uncontrollable failure -- academically, mentally -- in nearly every manner one can think of, I failed. I collapsed and broke down. And this is why, in my attempts to piece myself together again, my heart was nowhere to be found; this is why I was left a puzzle incomplete.
It's back, now. I didn't find my heart, but rather, someone who sparked its regrowth. I am infused with the fantastic feeling of love for family, for others, for life, along with a desire for a fresh beginning.
I'll prove them wrong; I can do this. I can, and I will, succeed.
___________________________________________
This is my 499th entry. As stated before, I am looking for a fresh beginning.
Therefor I shall urge you all to say goodbye to _uncouth, and I direct you to my new journal: letsget_nucular. Add as you wish. I hope to see you all there.
Farewell, journal. You have served me well.
Much love and muttering,
--Kate/letsget_nucular.