(no subject)
I hate myself. I don't hate myself like I used to. I don't want to die. I hate myself for liking him this fucking much. What the fucking hell. I feel like someone I don't want to feel like, always talking about different boys. I don't know. I don't want to trust him, but I do. I don't want to like him, but I do. I don't want him around me, but I do. I want everything that I don't and it sucks. What do I see that makes me like this? What do I see that makes me go absolutely insane every minute of the day that I'm not talking to him or hanging out with him? What in the fucking hell. It's like he has my mind controlled. One thought will lead to another, but always going back to the same thoughts. It's fucking insane and it's driving me up a fucking wall. I just want to scream, punch something, anything. I just want this frustration, anger, confusion out. Out of my fucking mind. I don't know. Maybe it's because I haven't had either closure or reassurance. Closure that he doens't feel the same or reassurance that he does. He gave me closure and then later takes what he said back and tells me he still likes me or whatever. Monday was a great day. We hung out like we were friends and watched a movie like we weren't. I fell asleep with him holding me and it was... exactly what I wanted and maybe what I needed. We just layed together like we were something. I know that he probably did the same thing with another girl the night before. He's like that, I think. I hope not. I have no idea what the hell to do. I just sit here and think and you know what thinking leads me to. Trouble.
I'm sorry about this. I'm fucking pathetic.