the dreaded block tests
I can't believe I'm actually letting the block tests bog me down. Had a major panic attack just now where I just totally freaked out. Flipped through all my subject files and suddenly topics upon topics seemed to descend on me. Topics which seem so foreign to me when I've revised them over and over before. Shit, because it's only 1 more day till blocks and I probably haven't studied even more than half of what I need to study. What the hell am I doing am I just going to let my grades slip away just like that? What I need is motivation and encouragement. I don't need a wakeup call from this because I'm already fully awake. I am fully aware that if I don't study I'll just screw my grades up. The thing is, somehow, I truly don't give a shit about my grades simply because there's so much more to life than just studying and worrying about not getting that A. I think what gets me agitated is knowing that I could have gotten that A if I only tried harder, and knowing that it's too late to do anything about it. Same thing applies to everything in JC life. Putting in a half-hearted effort for council, OAC, studies, relationships, sports whatever. A personal accomplishment that comes from completing any task you're given and doing it well because you've put in your best effort. Right now I haven't even put in 10% of what I could have, and that worries me, I think. I hate it that I'm always the bottom % in class/cohort when I KNOW that I could have passed. I never thought I was stupid in that sense. Yes, I'm not the top student who is smart or sharp with an excellent memory and I'm probably lucky enough to scrape through JC life but enough to get that A in the end, I'm sure. Right now I just feel stupid because I can't figure out what I want in life. Doing well in my studies doesn't mean a thing to me -- you can't get happiness that way. And yet it's a basic requirement in order to get a job and a decent career. And then what? Work your life away and look forward to retirement? Life seems meaningless at this point of time. Can't remember when I lost my motivation in life -- lost my motivation for anything else as well. I feel so jaded right now. Sick and tired of studying and of such a seemingly pointless continuation to my life as it is, now. But nevermind about me I just needed to get all that off my chest. My entire thought process written out in a mess. Out of my system and back to work. Stop talking to yourself and stop thinking so much.