for Jake.
today marks seven years without you, old friend. I like to think you're watching me. That you saw what I did with seven years aaand what seven years managed to do to me, that you see me now and how I've overcome the very things that killed you and generally come more into myself as a person. You know, everything. I want to think you're in a better place, that you're not suffering anymore. You know.. I don't think your overdose was you throwing in the towel and putting yourself under, I know what was happening in your life at that time. Jake, I think your goal that day was to feel absolutely nothing and in the worst way you met it. I think about that and whether or not I'm right or not a lot actually. You could've beat it though, if you'd of wanted to. When I first stopped using hard drugs all together I beat myself up at times telling myself I should've learned a lesson a lot sooner and avoided all those years of shit, but I stopped letting myself do that more recently. What matters is I kicked it myself and I want to keep it that way. I've more or less come to terms with the stuff I've seen and everything I've done or had done to me by people I wont bother naming(beetlejuice stigma) and I'm at a point where I know I'm not a bad person for it if for any reason because I'm better now. I think you'd be proud of me, probably more than anyone else besides me. Man, back in the day in Pueblo, I can remember hanging out by the elementary school or by your house or something.. just talking about everything. you were the first person I had that with, you didn't treat me like a little kid that knew nothing. You treated me like someone who yeaaaaah was definitely a youngin' but a youngin' that actually had thoughts, that knew there was a big fucked up world out there. I can remember talking about being different from everyone else, smarter, more observant, sarcastic.. shit that the general young populous just doesn't follow. You looked at me and told me we had that in common but you could tell I'd have a harder time with it as I got older but being different wasn't bad. "Being the weird girl isn't supposed to be the bane of your existence. Lots of people wont get you and even more wont want to try but you'll find your center." That day is how I try to remember you, actually. After we moved to Vegas is when things got worse for you.. I remember those days too though I wish I didn't sometimes, hurts too much. I remember you saying that to me though, I can hear it right now. I remember your laugh it was so dorky. I wish you could see me now. I wish you were still alive, honestly I cry about it sometimes, but like I said.. I like to think you're looking out for me. I want to believe you're in a better place, that you're with your mom and happy. That you can see me and are proud of me, but it's hard when you have no proof. I cry about that sometimes too but not just because of you. uncertainty is a horrible thing. NOBODY knows and I'd rather assume there's nothing after this clusterfuck. I still see you as a big brother.. but I guess if there is something after all of this then you know that already, you hear me talking to you when I need you. I'm going to keep getting better. I'm getting my shit together(complications get in my way.. very discouraging but I'll keep moving forward as the robinsons say) and I started writing again, like seriously writing, about anything I can.. I think it's the only thing I can do and want to do with my life and feel somewhat fulfilled. Freelance, I'm thinking. Lest we forget about piercing. Yeaaah I think if I get my shit together and achieve both aspirations I might make it out okay. But I'm at a point in life where I'm okay now, I hope that not only you can see that but I hope everyone can see it. Everyone tends to worry about me, I'll be fine. I miss you and I love you, Jake. I'm going to keep you with me forever, and who knows, maybe I'll see you again someday.
<3
<3