(no subject)
I'm alone tonight. I could've hung out with Dawn and Frank but nahh. Ed invited me to tag along with him to a couple of his friend's house. naahhh. It doesn't bug me that I'm alone, I've been thinking about this year and about how despite it being pretty uneventful it was still big for me. Being soo fucking sick all summer kind of tested me, I'd never really been sick like that or THAT sick. I remember not being able to breathe and my chest hurting so badly I was pretty sure I was either going to die or not get better ever, maybe that's a severe upper respiratory infection for you but I had no idea, allll that was new to me. I had a lot of time to think about things those months because I couldn't do a whole lot else. I thought about a lot of things, lost in thought to the point where I was thinking about everything but thinking about nothing at the same time. You know how it goes. It was never a secret that I don't like myself much but it goes deeper than that, I don't like myself and.. I think I've let that take the drivers seat. It's why I've had bad relationships with guys who are emotionally disturbed to any extent who didn't care much about me. I don't care about me. It's why the seven years before getting sick were filled with tons of drugs, misplaced anger, rage and depression and all the drink I could get my hands on. I'm tired of trying to save face, it's about time to be honest and not just with myself. It's scary though, I don't even know where to begin. That's more or less an excuse to not talk about all the shit I've done to myself but I bought it.
I've been trying to start that next chapter in life without knowing exactly what that next chapter really is, it's odd to say the least. I'll be resuming the job hunt soon, as seasonal hiring is done with, maybe I'll get lucky and start my big race to the middle with a job I don't mind having. I don't plan on being the wet blanket but there are things that HAVE to be different now, besides the occasional xanax or painkiller to help me sleep(not that I owe anybody an explanation) I'm not using and though I'm not against once in a while recreational use I plan to stay not using for a while, till I can land a job and get more of my shit together. I'm also drinking less and actually trying to drink in moderation, drinking in moderation is strange to me but I find myself liking it. I can't exactly escape bipolar disorder but no longer am I going to subject myself to people and situations that make me depressed if I can help it, it's too bad that such isn't even half responsible for my fucked up brain(it's mostly me that is the problem, I guess. I have no idea.. just happens) but at least it makes me feel better when I can try to avoid it. yeah.
But here I sit, a weird nora who has on two completely different socks. Well aware that I have good qualities going for me and a lot of people like me and consider me a decent person and a good friend. Some things are better off staying the way they are, no? I'm not making any new years resolutions because I wont keep it buuut if I'm lucky I'll make it through 2008. :D
happy new year y'all.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v33/worldpolice/noron/010.jpg
I've been trying to start that next chapter in life without knowing exactly what that next chapter really is, it's odd to say the least. I'll be resuming the job hunt soon, as seasonal hiring is done with, maybe I'll get lucky and start my big race to the middle with a job I don't mind having. I don't plan on being the wet blanket but there are things that HAVE to be different now, besides the occasional xanax or painkiller to help me sleep(not that I owe anybody an explanation) I'm not using and though I'm not against once in a while recreational use I plan to stay not using for a while, till I can land a job and get more of my shit together. I'm also drinking less and actually trying to drink in moderation, drinking in moderation is strange to me but I find myself liking it. I can't exactly escape bipolar disorder but no longer am I going to subject myself to people and situations that make me depressed if I can help it, it's too bad that such isn't even half responsible for my fucked up brain(it's mostly me that is the problem, I guess. I have no idea.. just happens) but at least it makes me feel better when I can try to avoid it. yeah.
But here I sit, a weird nora who has on two completely different socks. Well aware that I have good qualities going for me and a lot of people like me and consider me a decent person and a good friend. Some things are better off staying the way they are, no? I'm not making any new years resolutions because I wont keep it buuut if I'm lucky I'll make it through 2008. :D
happy new year y'all.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v33/worldpolice/noron/010.jpg
