Enter soapbox.
Since after some contemplation, I feel it necessary to explain myself, and this seems to be the chosen forum for those who would benefit most from said explanation, here goes.
As we are all aware, this has been a hugely stressful few months. Not just for me or any one other person but for people in general. The stuff that's been going on with me has left me in an insecure, faithless spiral of self-doubt and oversensitivity. I have been trying to figure out what I need as opposed to what I want and what it is that I need to do to get there. I am terrified of becoming liberated and then subsequently totally dependant in one fell swoop. I am scared that the few people who haven't disappointed or betrayed me will somehow let me down without their intention or awareness. I am reading too much into little things and then overreacting. In short, I am trying to avoid any sort of self sabotage, which is my usual approach to a threatening situation.
I don't want to get hurt anymore and I don't want to hurt anyone. I am pulling out and backing off of any sort of social contact and if that bothers anyone or seems insensitive or selfish, please believe me when I say that I have a genuine desire to be what everyone is used to seeing and given the state that I'm in I just worry that I'll be even more disappointing present than I am vacant. I need space to figure some things out. I feel influenced as opposed to pressured by *many* thoughts and opinions on certain things and I want to reevaluate my priorities and goals with nothing in my mind but what I actually believe without any of that being a part of it. This is not an isolated issue with any one person and to be honest, when I left Vancouver, it was to get away from the influences I had there as much as anything else. I thought that I was grown up enough to make my own decisions and I have realized yet again that I am not even close to unimpressionable and that it is no one's fault but mine.
I feel as if I've been totally misread, misunderstood, and I have no one but myself to blame because I haven't had the courage to be open enough about it. I am *not* being passive aggressive or catty or insensitive or whatever. I am trying to explain myself subtly and with my guard up to people while trying to keep what I thought I deserved to keep private to myself and to be quite honest, I would rather just be left to my own devices for a while. I am not up to anything, I do not want to lose anyone, and in fact the relationships that I most wanted to preserve throughout all of this are the ones that I now find myself possibly destroying instead.
If there is something you need to know, ask it. If I can tell you, I will, and whether or not I can say it outright trust me enough to know that I want to. There is nothing in the world I value more than friendship and the fact that that is in question is the last thing I wanted.
Consider this an apology for any confusion or drama or anything else that may have arisen. I appreciate the concern of my friends and when I know what to do with said concern I will welcome it. At this point, however, I just need to be by myself unless I specifically ask otherwise.
*climbs down from soapbox* Thanks for listening.
As we are all aware, this has been a hugely stressful few months. Not just for me or any one other person but for people in general. The stuff that's been going on with me has left me in an insecure, faithless spiral of self-doubt and oversensitivity. I have been trying to figure out what I need as opposed to what I want and what it is that I need to do to get there. I am terrified of becoming liberated and then subsequently totally dependant in one fell swoop. I am scared that the few people who haven't disappointed or betrayed me will somehow let me down without their intention or awareness. I am reading too much into little things and then overreacting. In short, I am trying to avoid any sort of self sabotage, which is my usual approach to a threatening situation.
I don't want to get hurt anymore and I don't want to hurt anyone. I am pulling out and backing off of any sort of social contact and if that bothers anyone or seems insensitive or selfish, please believe me when I say that I have a genuine desire to be what everyone is used to seeing and given the state that I'm in I just worry that I'll be even more disappointing present than I am vacant. I need space to figure some things out. I feel influenced as opposed to pressured by *many* thoughts and opinions on certain things and I want to reevaluate my priorities and goals with nothing in my mind but what I actually believe without any of that being a part of it. This is not an isolated issue with any one person and to be honest, when I left Vancouver, it was to get away from the influences I had there as much as anything else. I thought that I was grown up enough to make my own decisions and I have realized yet again that I am not even close to unimpressionable and that it is no one's fault but mine.
I feel as if I've been totally misread, misunderstood, and I have no one but myself to blame because I haven't had the courage to be open enough about it. I am *not* being passive aggressive or catty or insensitive or whatever. I am trying to explain myself subtly and with my guard up to people while trying to keep what I thought I deserved to keep private to myself and to be quite honest, I would rather just be left to my own devices for a while. I am not up to anything, I do not want to lose anyone, and in fact the relationships that I most wanted to preserve throughout all of this are the ones that I now find myself possibly destroying instead.
If there is something you need to know, ask it. If I can tell you, I will, and whether or not I can say it outright trust me enough to know that I want to. There is nothing in the world I value more than friendship and the fact that that is in question is the last thing I wanted.
Consider this an apology for any confusion or drama or anything else that may have arisen. I appreciate the concern of my friends and when I know what to do with said concern I will welcome it. At this point, however, I just need to be by myself unless I specifically ask otherwise.
*climbs down from soapbox* Thanks for listening.