Bad Boy Karma
In recent affairs with the boys I met a guy at this prom-themed party a week or two back. He's an artboy and only 23 and lives in Pilsen, so I already wasn't that interested, but he's a nice guy and I had a good chat with him. So, I agreed to hang out with him, grab dinner and just kind of hang out. Didn't sleep with him, no kissing, no hand holding nuthin, just good old platonic hanging out. And even though I was careful not to let on that I was interested in anything more he definitely was putting that vibe out there, talking about the refuge of his last relationship, flirting, asking me lots of questions about my family and pretending to be really interested. The night went well and we parted ways with a firm man-hug. He wanted to set another time to hang out so I agreed to see him again Sunday.
Then it's Sunday, I get back from work, I'm feeling kind of bored but also tired, I'm not really in the mood to go out. And I'm not interested in anything romantic, really, the only thing I'm interested in is getting tea and watching a movie. I felt bad though since we had already planned the date so I call artboy and agreed to come down to his place to watch a movie. Granted, this is where I should have made my intentions (or lack of intentions) clear, but I thought it through and it seemed to make more sensee to just hang out and be as non romantic as possible.
Let me just backtrack and establish that I don't have many friends. I have one, just one, male friend that I haven't slept with. I am SO bad at being friends with guys, especially gay guys. If I'm remotely attracted to someone I'm usually mor interested in sleeping with them than doing "friend" things. And what are friends anyway but lovers without the benefits.
Needless to say, I'm bad at being friends. For me, friends are just people I'm not sexually compatable with.
I get to the 18th street train stop and meet him outside and we walk back to his flat and we're having a really good discussion and I'm enjoying it. He makes tea, we hang out and smoke cigarettes and just talk about stuff. It's so nice to finally just have a smart interesting guy that i don't want to sleep with to talk to. This whole platonic thing makes sense. I pick out a movie off of his bookshelf, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, sing along to all the songs, everything's good.
Then artboy asks me to give him a massage because I was telling him my mother is a massage therapist. I realize this is crossing the line in a very pulp fiction way, but I give massages to stephanie back home sometimes, and I'm sure other girls as well in a completely non romantic way. Whatever, it's a back rub. Then he tells me to lie down and be more comfortable so I do and now we're in his bed and he's shirtless and we're both lying down and this is where the bell finally goes off that I'm letting this go to far. I told him he's not my type and I'm not going to be interested in him, I really just wanted to hang out.
I explained my reasoning to him:
1. Just because we are two gay men hanging out together does not mean that this is a dating situation.
2. If I told you from the start I just wanted to be friends we would have never talked again because every reacts that way to the phrase, "Lets just be friends."
3. Up until now nothing we've done has been out of the realm of strictly friendly so it's not like I'm leading you on. I also didn't pretend to be more available than I am or interested in any kind of dating situation or realtionship.
Of course he wouldn't have it, because that's how men work. He wanted to have sex with me that night and there I was in his bed giving him a massage and he was ready for sex. And when you take away the prosepect of sex from a man when he's already worked up and expecting it they get really pissed off. So we bickered a little bit and I decided to leave because neither of was was going to feel good about any of it. Before I left he told me I was a completely irresponsible person and I should know better that to act the way I did. He told me that I should take better care not to hurt the people around me.
I was floored. He described perfectly the archetype of people that I hate the most: Careless People. The Tom and Daisys of the world. The people with no regard to other people's feelings or wellbeing. I was being implicated in their same crime, I am the downfall of Gatsby. And for a situation that didn't need to escalate to the level of making me feel this bad (we did only hang out those two times) I was pretty miserable. I tried to explain that I had done nothing but be nice to him and I just needed more friends and I was crappy at this whole friend vs. boyfriend thing. But, he wouldn't have it. And no matter what artboy said about feeling, profiling people, assumtions, and social cues, I knew what he was angry about.
It's that sex. Once you plan on that sex and you don't get it nothing will make you feel any better. Now, after countless nights of guys leading me on and constantly being let down by mismatched libidos, I was the one denying someone that sex. And it felt just as crappy as when the flight attendant told me that even though we'd gone on a couple dates and he had me sleep over and I was naked in his bed he didn't want to have sex. And then he sent me the awkward text saying that he was still interested in friendship. Which meant that he was completely done with me. Granted, what I had done was in no way pushing it as much as the flight attendant (which, who knew he would be such a prude, seriously) but it hurt artboy in exactly the same way. And I couldn't refute what I had said. I could only leave and hope that I could find the train station without asking for directions.
The next morning I woke up feeling crummy and I got a phone call from Student Affairs. I didn't get the office assistant job, which means that I didn't know how I was going to pay rent. I called my mother and told her I didn't get the job at the Student Affairs office when they practically promised me the job a month ago. And then my mother asked me,
"Did you piss off God? It sounds a bit like you pissed off God and got some seriously bad Karma for it."
My mother laughed and told me there was no way she could help with the rent because her bank account was probably comparable to mine.
I knew what I had to do. I filled out an application to Banana Republic, called my grandmother and asked to borrow some dough and I sent the text message. I sent THAT message.
"Hey kid it's zack hope alls well sorry about last night but i hope we can still be friends"
Then it's Sunday, I get back from work, I'm feeling kind of bored but also tired, I'm not really in the mood to go out. And I'm not interested in anything romantic, really, the only thing I'm interested in is getting tea and watching a movie. I felt bad though since we had already planned the date so I call artboy and agreed to come down to his place to watch a movie. Granted, this is where I should have made my intentions (or lack of intentions) clear, but I thought it through and it seemed to make more sensee to just hang out and be as non romantic as possible.
Let me just backtrack and establish that I don't have many friends. I have one, just one, male friend that I haven't slept with. I am SO bad at being friends with guys, especially gay guys. If I'm remotely attracted to someone I'm usually mor interested in sleeping with them than doing "friend" things. And what are friends anyway but lovers without the benefits.
Needless to say, I'm bad at being friends. For me, friends are just people I'm not sexually compatable with.
I get to the 18th street train stop and meet him outside and we walk back to his flat and we're having a really good discussion and I'm enjoying it. He makes tea, we hang out and smoke cigarettes and just talk about stuff. It's so nice to finally just have a smart interesting guy that i don't want to sleep with to talk to. This whole platonic thing makes sense. I pick out a movie off of his bookshelf, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, sing along to all the songs, everything's good.
Then artboy asks me to give him a massage because I was telling him my mother is a massage therapist. I realize this is crossing the line in a very pulp fiction way, but I give massages to stephanie back home sometimes, and I'm sure other girls as well in a completely non romantic way. Whatever, it's a back rub. Then he tells me to lie down and be more comfortable so I do and now we're in his bed and he's shirtless and we're both lying down and this is where the bell finally goes off that I'm letting this go to far. I told him he's not my type and I'm not going to be interested in him, I really just wanted to hang out.
I explained my reasoning to him:
1. Just because we are two gay men hanging out together does not mean that this is a dating situation.
2. If I told you from the start I just wanted to be friends we would have never talked again because every reacts that way to the phrase, "Lets just be friends."
3. Up until now nothing we've done has been out of the realm of strictly friendly so it's not like I'm leading you on. I also didn't pretend to be more available than I am or interested in any kind of dating situation or realtionship.
Of course he wouldn't have it, because that's how men work. He wanted to have sex with me that night and there I was in his bed giving him a massage and he was ready for sex. And when you take away the prosepect of sex from a man when he's already worked up and expecting it they get really pissed off. So we bickered a little bit and I decided to leave because neither of was was going to feel good about any of it. Before I left he told me I was a completely irresponsible person and I should know better that to act the way I did. He told me that I should take better care not to hurt the people around me.
I was floored. He described perfectly the archetype of people that I hate the most: Careless People. The Tom and Daisys of the world. The people with no regard to other people's feelings or wellbeing. I was being implicated in their same crime, I am the downfall of Gatsby. And for a situation that didn't need to escalate to the level of making me feel this bad (we did only hang out those two times) I was pretty miserable. I tried to explain that I had done nothing but be nice to him and I just needed more friends and I was crappy at this whole friend vs. boyfriend thing. But, he wouldn't have it. And no matter what artboy said about feeling, profiling people, assumtions, and social cues, I knew what he was angry about.
It's that sex. Once you plan on that sex and you don't get it nothing will make you feel any better. Now, after countless nights of guys leading me on and constantly being let down by mismatched libidos, I was the one denying someone that sex. And it felt just as crappy as when the flight attendant told me that even though we'd gone on a couple dates and he had me sleep over and I was naked in his bed he didn't want to have sex. And then he sent me the awkward text saying that he was still interested in friendship. Which meant that he was completely done with me. Granted, what I had done was in no way pushing it as much as the flight attendant (which, who knew he would be such a prude, seriously) but it hurt artboy in exactly the same way. And I couldn't refute what I had said. I could only leave and hope that I could find the train station without asking for directions.
The next morning I woke up feeling crummy and I got a phone call from Student Affairs. I didn't get the office assistant job, which means that I didn't know how I was going to pay rent. I called my mother and told her I didn't get the job at the Student Affairs office when they practically promised me the job a month ago. And then my mother asked me,
"Did you piss off God? It sounds a bit like you pissed off God and got some seriously bad Karma for it."
My mother laughed and told me there was no way she could help with the rent because her bank account was probably comparable to mine.
I knew what I had to do. I filled out an application to Banana Republic, called my grandmother and asked to borrow some dough and I sent the text message. I sent THAT message.
"Hey kid it's zack hope alls well sorry about last night but i hope we can still be friends"