(no subject)
Three days no cigarette! Quitting is actually a kind of level battle so far, I've been able to keep myself busy indoors for the last few days to take my mind off of it. Flying to Chicago on Saturday will be the big test, I have an emergency pack just in case the plane goes down (it's funny the excuses we learn to tell ourselves).
I went jogging today and remembered: I hate jogging. I don't just hate jogging I hate people that jog and people that like people who jog. Also, I hate shoes that you are able to jog in. I think my requesite for buying shoes now will be, "Can I jog in these? No? Good." Also, I hate the things that people drink while they are jogging. I bought a vitamin water while I was jogging to, you know, complete the look. It tasted like crap, I don't know why people who exercise are so happy if they're drinking that crap. I have to question both people who are happy and people who exercise, neither have been very productive endeavors.
after jogging we got starbucks and sat on a bench and criticised all the people who walked by, that is what I like doing, that fills me with the dark side of joy.
better than joy is satisfaction. better than vitamin water is the double tall nonfat dirty chai. better that being happy is being able to write cheaply bitter things about the people who are happy. right? are the mantras i live by perhaps, ahem, unhealthy? crude? perhaps even juvenile?
i think this year will bring some interesting changes since I am going to start working out due to health issues. i quit smoking, started jogging and lifting weights, and cutting out more than half of my coffee intake and am eating three meals a day every day. and here's the kicker, only ONE of them can be takeout. i know, i know, how is a moving shaking urban dweller like me supposed to find time to prepare three squares a day for himself?
anyway, i'm not worried about the time as much as i am about being, well, the bad kind of happy. i can't really describe the parinoia i have but it's a little bit like how i think of devoutly religious people: they are so tunnelvisioned by religion that they don't have any perspective of the world around them. bitterness is a very broad perspective on the world, you see EVERYTHING. and i think that i have this fear that being happy i loose a bit of the perspective of being a devoted pessimist. and, i don't know, i lose a bit of my edge i think. would you rather hang out with carrie bradshaw or terry meeuwsen?
terry meeuwsen is a former miss america and host on the 700 club for those who have never been bored enough to watch right winger daytime tv.
then again, i swear by boat shoes and sweater vests, how edgy was i in the first place? fuck it, give me the endorphins.