(no subject)
i always run back to you when things are bad. i know no one reads this anymore. maybe someone. i just need one person to read this.
i feel like everything i have worked towards is crumbling right in front of me. my dreams of moving to new york have been crumbling quickly in the past few weeks. im realizing that i am going to have to stay in boston longer than i wanted. it breaks my heart completely to know that after telling so many people im leaving...i now have to stay. it seems like some sort of vicious circle where i will never save enough to move. save enough money for rent at an apartment i hate in a city i cannot stand while working a job that hardly gives me enough money to actually even come close to paying the rent i owe forget about anything else. i never thought i would be some sort of art star or right away make it or anything of that nature but knowing that for probably years i will work some shitty retail job to even somewhat stay afloat breaks my heart every day. im in a city where all the people i am surrounded by cant even be called friends. these people who live life in a way i never really wanted to. i see myself falling into the same patterns. boston is suffocating. boston is not what i want. i want to disappear in a crowd of people who never have seen me or dont even know im there. i want to be anonymous. i want to be forgotten. i want to go and get a coffee and not have to make small talk with someone i met at a show somewhere or that i rang up at work a few times or that my old roommate had for a boss. i want to be anonymous.
i feel like everything i have worked towards is crumbling right in front of me. my dreams of moving to new york have been crumbling quickly in the past few weeks. im realizing that i am going to have to stay in boston longer than i wanted. it breaks my heart completely to know that after telling so many people im leaving...i now have to stay. it seems like some sort of vicious circle where i will never save enough to move. save enough money for rent at an apartment i hate in a city i cannot stand while working a job that hardly gives me enough money to actually even come close to paying the rent i owe forget about anything else. i never thought i would be some sort of art star or right away make it or anything of that nature but knowing that for probably years i will work some shitty retail job to even somewhat stay afloat breaks my heart every day. im in a city where all the people i am surrounded by cant even be called friends. these people who live life in a way i never really wanted to. i see myself falling into the same patterns. boston is suffocating. boston is not what i want. i want to disappear in a crowd of people who never have seen me or dont even know im there. i want to be anonymous. i want to be forgotten. i want to go and get a coffee and not have to make small talk with someone i met at a show somewhere or that i rang up at work a few times or that my old roommate had for a boss. i want to be anonymous.